To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

I wouldn’t report him but then again I wouldn’t tell a work colleague that I’d be up for selling my underwear to random men online.

Don't lie, it's dishonest and from what you said there were witnesses. HR won't be very happy with you if you lie to them, breakdown of trust is serious

It wouldn’t be a lie by omission.

HR are rightly going to ask why in the hell he sent such an obviously outrageous and inappropriate question to a colleague.

At which point he’s going to say they talked about raising money by selling underwear.

So either the Op will have to answer truthfully or lie outright. Presumably any other witnesses to the conversation will also need to be questioned.

Regardless of prior conversation, it was a ridiculous & unpleasant message to send. Yuk.

could the employee counter claim with hr for inapprotate conversations during work events ?

The colleague who made the remark lost his job when a US company acquired ours as he had a track record of similar behaviour towards women. The advice I received from HR was about how to confront the colleague. His body language showed he was seriously uncomfortable once I'd spoken to him. HR told me I had been sexually harassed. I wasn't sure as he hadn't touched me.

This!

I would report, but I would also not engage in such highly inappropriate conversations with work colleagues.

I would talk to him in private and be quite stern with him, and tell him in no uncertain terms that his message was completely out of order, and if he does it again, I will report him for sexual harassment.

Friend took his phone, my arse!

I work in HR

if this was reported to us we’d take action because we have a liability if we knew and do nothing and also because it’s unacceptable. . However I’d also think the entire earlier conversation was inappropriate and unacceptable and his message didn’t come out of nowhere. Neither of you would come out of this looking good.

Personally I wouldn’t report given the previous conversation but I’d be clear with him if there was any repeated behaviour I would be reporting and I’d keep a log and a copy of the message just in case.

what would be the likely outcome for both the offer and the previous conversation that lead to it ? plus what are the rules about collegues privately messaging each other etc

I clicked on this thread in a fury thinking "how could this be unreasonable", but on reading the full story, I'd advise OP to block on social media, but not take it further.
I don't believe that it was a mate, as they wouldn't have known who exactly said about selling their underwear, but while I would expect the man who sent the message to get into trouble with HR, the OP and other people who participated in the conversation could also face sanctions for unprofessional behaviour.

It seems quite evident that being asked if you would sell your underwear would be a reasonably likely outcome of you talking about selling your underwear. Don't do a disservice to women by pretending that this was unsolicited.

So you talked with your colleagues about selling your underwear on only fans and said it’s acceptable to do it. Colleague messaged asking you if you would like to (or his friends did)
I wouldn’t go to hr. I’d reply and say completely inappropriate please do not contact me on sm again. I’d keep the evident and consid of it dealt with. Obviously if he did anything else I would report.

I’d do this. If he’s young he hopefully just did something stupid when drunk. Be very clear there will be no second chances and it’ll be in the hands of HR if there's a next time.

This!

What do you think would happen next?

An investigation would take place asking him if it was true and what the context was. Then interviewing the others involved.

His answer would include the full story. Then you'd have to explain that you participated in a sexualised conversation and why you didn't mention the background. And you - an older, more experienced colleague would look an absolute dick.

I was thinking let it go until I read your post ...which is so retrograde and excusing of really poor and inappropriate behaviour.
If he was sacked then HE would have been the cause of his own sacking ...no one else...he is an adult

It wasn't a sexualised conversation.

Events only became sexualised when the colleague asked for her underwear.

Your argument is the ...'we will rake through your prior sexual history if you allerge rape'
A hypothetical about whether you'd do only fans isnt an invitation IN ANY WAY 🤦‍♀️

I wouldn’t report. Id block and ignore him from now on but if it was me id also be thinking about the things i say.

Oh please ....it was totally unsolicited

So if you talk about actual irl sex that means someone could contact you and say would you have sex?

Adults can talk about hypotheticals, they can also maintain boundaries abd not perv on their colleagues

What’s your relationship with him like usually? If you usually have ‘banter’ and conversations like that at work he may have thought it was part of the running joke. If you barely speak with him and he sent it, weird but I guess that’s not the case if you have him on your social media.

But you can’t go to HR and tell a half story, it didn’t come out of nowhere did it… he’s likely mortified and has apologised.

Where I work probably mid range disciplinary sanctions all round and retraining on professional behaviours and sexual harassment. Everywhere is different though and it would depend on the full circumstances and evidence etc.

No rules against messaging colleagues where I work but obviously messaging them asking to buy underwear is not ok. However neither is having drunken conversations with work colleagues in a work context about selling it only fans in the first place.

For goodness sake, the young man made a judgement of error and then apologised. You'd be vindictive to report him. Chill out a bit, he offered to buy your pants, he didn't ask to pay you for sex.

This was their conclusion.

selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money

What a silly comparison to raking through sexual history.

Talking about selling your underwear on Only Fans is a sexualised conversation.

You were involved in the original conversation, was you giving out vibes that you would be up for selling clothes?. Also did one of his mates message you from his phone taking the piss out of you?. I wouldn't report him but maybe have a word and tell him it stops right now as perhaps your drunken conversations should in work context.