To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

Yeah, it's despicable behaviour.

The idea that you deserve respect because you're senior is years out of date. Respect should be based on behaviour. One of the most senior people I ever worked with gained mine by coming back to our City HQ at 6pm to wish the corporate floor receptionist a happy birthday. He had been working since 6.30am doing the media round for the quarterly results and briefing analysts, but he made time for a woman on the threshold of retirement who had never become anywhere near senior.

Typo

Wow. That's appalling.

So you're going to leave out the entire context, and if he uses the context to explain his message, you are going to lie and your senior colleagues are going to lie to cover you? And you think that the young colleague's behaviour is despicable?

If he gets sacked, he's well out of the place

PS as I'm now feeling snippy, it's corroborate, not collaborate. And you're the one twisting the story, not him.

This is the exact reason i said dont report him. I love your post but my guess is you will have some desperado male mumsnet members sitting this evening wondering whether to ping you a quick message in case you were being serious.

Just like the op's college. Dont engage in this type of talk if you a offended by someone thinking you are serious.

Why call someone a weasel for pointing out that this is unacceptable? It is.

Thus^

"LeedsLoiner · Today 11:38
"nomas · Today 10:46
Yes HR should get his side.
None of that should discourage OP from reporting him.
Show quote history"
She is absolutely free to report him for the message however if HR do their job properly and the whole story comes out she's not going to come out of it with her reputation intact either.
Older senior female staff member gets drunk with and talks about what she'd do on Onlyfans to an impressionable younger junior male staff member is equally reprehensible behaviour and if this does go to HR and he has the sense to get a decent TU rep or other advisor it could go very badly indeed for her."

Completely agree with @LeedsLoiner.

The OP has suggested that the young man will be twisting things if he brings up the previous drunken discussion (rather than acknowledging that she is twisting things by trying to present this approach as having come out of the blue) and also that all of her senior colleagues can be relied on to back her. If that's the case, this sounds like one hell of a toxic senior team. However, as someone upthread has noted, the young man's text clearly refers to a previous discussion so hopefully the whole picture will come out.

You sound like a right dick to be honest, a work environment that’s clearly comfortable enough to have these conversations over drinks but toxic enough to bring someone down who dared to join in albeit later.

shame on you.

Because if she told the whole story, the OP and her colleagues could also get in to trouble.

But hundreds of women on here are saying no let it go. I'm saying that it's not normal for a man to do

It clearly is, there is a market for that stuff, surely you must know this. And quite frankly if this is real it’s very unusual for a senior female employee to say she wants to sell her used underwear to junior employees then want to lie that she didn’t so she can get someone who offered to buy them fired.

No there's no need to lie. She has the right to answer adult conversation in the company of other adults who clearly were having the same conversation. The word she uses is "consensus". I had many such conversations with my female colleagues.

What takes it beyond the pale is the fact that the guy approached to carry out this act.

Reverse the age gap, young twenty something woman, older man asking to buy her pants....

But she is going to lie. She's not going to give the context behind his message, and if he tells HR about the conversation that led to it, OP and ask the other senior staff present are going to lie to cover up for her. So HR will assume that his sexually offensive message came out of nowhere, and he'll lose his job.

That's unspeakable.

Reverse the age gap, young twenty something woman, older man asking to buy her pants.

Why reverse the seniority?

A young woman asking to buy pants from an older man would be more accurate.

But in the conversation she stated that she was prepared to sell her pants. If she had mentioned in conversation that she had a sofa for sale and the man messaged her asking if he could buy the sofa, would that be a problem?

😂

Any bidders yet?

What would we do and how would we know about life without a man to explain our lives for us, and to make sure we know he's a "man here" man?

Some or many of us have been sexually harrassed in a far more unpleasant way since we were in primary school.

Reporting him for behaviour you were encouraging is malicious. You should have just said no. You started it

If @NotAnotherScarf was a colleague of mine and advised me to report to HR that a young colleague had sent me an inappropriate text message, I would not be taking his advice. I'd be having a quiet word wuth him myself because grown-up women should sort their own problems out, unless the offense is sufficiently large that it needs professional management eg sexual assault, or, to quote my real example, a senior colleague suggesting in a public forum that my successful delivery of a project was the result of me having a sexual relationship with the project leader, beautifully expressed as 'because she and X are doing it'.

Why are you so keen to defend this? They were talking about the subject and she's going to lie!

The vast majority think that the OP is out of order here. Myself included.

I'm going to say that I'm guessing that the vast majority of these people are female.

Again why reverse the seniority?
Why not reverse the gender?
But then again, why 'reverse' anything?

You know what offends me? Men here who announce they're men.

Not when starting threads as such, but when offering advice.
It shows arrogance and disdain as to me it implies, 'I'm male. I know better.'
Why say it otherwise.

I think there's two types of men who do this:
A, Arrogant chauvinists.

B, Men who seem to me to require an unhealthy level of validation from women.
It's like the male version of pick me.
They've always got female colleagues, friends they get along with extremely well which they insist on telling you about.

It's really try hard and in real life I find it deeply untrustworthy.
At least you know where you stand with a chauvinist.

I'm guessing that you're a 'pick me' guy. Yet the irony is when most females disagree with you, you insist on telling them they're wrong.

Given that the majority disagree, you've picked the wrong source of validation this time.

No.
I can't even attract the male fetishists who lurk here.

(sobs into coffee).

How would his mates know about conversations between colleagues, and how would they know who to send the message to? Or was sent to all his contacts?

Maybe he has a mate who is also a colleague.

I've no idea what the relevance of the date and time is.

I know of at least two examples of men being dismissed from their jobs, at two different workplaces, due to sexually harassing female colleagues on a night out.

So I'm not sure where you have this weird idea from that if a man does something to a colleague on a night out, HR just kind of shrugs and says "durr, it didn't happen in here."

If it gets reported, I hope it ALL comes out and not just what YOU want. Then HR can wonder why you were telling work colleagues about what you would be willing to do on OnlyFans.

If you think he should be reprimanded or fired, then so should you.