To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

Respectfully, you need to stop projecting your fears on him as it’s probably making it worse.

YABVU to expect children to involve an adult cousin in their games and your strength of feeling about it is odd.

“What else would he do at home?”. ANYTHING! He’s 19! Does he need you there providing entertainment to him?!

Yabu. Can't believe you think a 11 year old should ask and include an adult 19 year old in the games.

It’s unfortunate he’s he only one in his age range but it’s a little weird for a 19 year old to tag along with the kids. I guess it depends what they doing - football or video games maybe but really I’d say it’s on him to say mind if I join in not them to think to include him.
I have 2 adult dc and 1 young dc and when we go to family events sometimes they will entertain the kids and sometimes they chat to me or dh or their aunts/ uncles/ grandparents.

This ☝🏻
I also assumed you had meant 9 not 19!
why on earth would an 11 year old think a 19 year old man would want to play with him ?
How bizarre 🤔

You cannot expect a 19 yo to play with an 11 yo unless its board games suitable for their ages, OP.

Your son is an adult and I'd expect him to be interacting with other adults and possibly feel bored after 10 mins. My nephews of that age tend to gravitate towards the adults they feel closer to (a youngish uncle, for instance). But mostly, they'd turn up to say hi to their grandparents and leave.

He needs to learn to talk to "strangers". I would really not expect an 11 year old to invite him to "play" with a 19 year old. At most I can remember my 21 year old son giving his 9 year old cousin piggybacks at one family gathering. Have you thought of some hobby where he might meet and learn to interact with others? My youngest son went to university and lost his school friends as everybody went off and was doing their own thing. I am hoping that he makes some friends when he starts work after finishing some vocational training - I'm most worried though about him finding a job first though. Our city is in a very depressed state with the job market and it is really tough.

OP speaking as someone who was similarly awkward in situations as the only younger adult until I was well into my twenties he needs to be supported with his social skills here. He needs to see you modelling how to talk to older people because for some of us it won't come naturally.

Your ‘child’ is an adult.

Expecting the actual children to include this adult, manage his expectations and play schedule is unreasonable and inappropriate. It’s not their responsibility.

Your adult son has atypical behaviours and you have atypical expectations. You would do well to course correct now as this situation will get worse.

At what point do you expect him to talk to other adults? 20? 25? 30? 35?

Home with mental health issues and mollycoddled by Mum expecting 11 year olds to provide social affirmation. This is far far far from normal.

Oh and you’re clearly projecting your rejection issues onto this situation so that may also distract you from how inappropriate this is.

I’m sorry this is weird.my 13 year old only child is often the only child in groups of adults.hes more than capable of holding his own in that situation so why didn’t your DS socialise with the adults, of which he is one. Why didn’t he want to play with kids. That’s bizarre and no 10-13 year olds wouldn’t really consider it right to ask a 19 year old to play with them, any more than asking a 50 year old. They’re all ancient to them. Sounds like your DS needs to build on his social skills and self esteem as he transitions into adulthood. It doesn’t sound like you treat him or view him as an adult which needs to change.

With kindness OP - using the word ‘play’ here is very odd. 19-year-olds don’t play, they hang out with other young adults - or in the situation you describe, where that’s not possible, chat to the older adults, or at least listen in and make take the odd comment.

I suppose there was a time when your son, as the older cousin, would have enjoyed playing with his younger cousins. However, he needs to understand he’s an adult now and real life isn’t like Peter Pan - he has to grow up and leave childhood behind.

I’m sorry he’s struggling socially. Early adulthood is often a very awkward phase if you’re shy or lacking in confidence but you can help him by not babying him, and including him in adult conversations. If you suspect he’s ND, then encourage him to get assessed so he can start to understand himself.

My dd (16) is the oldest cousin on my side and it can be awkward not having anyone her age. In her case the younger ones do like her to pay with them, but she's not playing as an equal, she taking the lead etc, like a fun babysitter. I can imagine in a few years as they get older they may lose interest, and I can imagine her feeling a bit odd that she's lost that role, but equally I wouldn't blame them for that, and she'd understand. It's not for them to ask an adult to play or include them as an equal. And in her case she wants to do some sitting chatting as well, so she's relieved when they let her have a break.

Some people are harsh about your ds though, it's understandable to find small talk with much older adults you don't know hard at 19! Especially if it's the first time you are being treated as one of the adults not one of the kids, and you maybe haven't got much going on you can tell a random adult about at the moment (I can imagine all the questions being about jobs and uni). It's a shame you and any uncles and aunts etc haven't made an effort to include him in conversation, but ultimately that's just how it is at these gatherings we go to out of duty sometimes, and everyone is busy.

You are being ridiculous. I started full time work three weeks after my 16th birthday and was more than capable of conversing with adults and behaving as a "mature established adult", even though I was rather quiet and shy. I wouldn't have wanted to be "playing" with a bunch of kids.

This.

Very odd op.

"... I'll tell him [DN] that DS should have just asked to join in".

Why have you got to tell DN anything?

Have you already had a go at him for "excluding" your DS?!

If you have, that's just completely ridiculous, and so unfair on your 11 yr old DN. You need to apologise unreservedly to him.

In a later post you say that you suspect your DS may be ND, possibly autistic, and you might be too.
Why have you never had him assessed? Would it help him to do so now?

The situation you describe at the party is very weird, and the fact that you did it in such a way, ie completely unaware of the weirdness, is very telling.
What did your DH say about it all? Did he agree with the whole 'left out' scenario, or did he have a more balanced view?

It is also very unusual to go through 2 years of college without making any friends.

It's good that he has started volunteering- what is he doing? Is it in an area he might like to work in?
Perhaps he could join some local groups for whatever hobbies he might have, or could develop, to meet new people.

There's also help available at the job centre and local library, for rewriting CVs etc.

You need to change your attitude, OP, and assist him to access whatever help/support he needs.
Just don't expect it to come from his 11 yr old cousin.

Oops I pressed the wrong choice YABU!

Yabu. He should've initiated interactions with the kids if he wanted to join them. He didn't, so it is on him. He needs to have the courage to push himself to talk to others. It's not on anyone else to be responsible for that.

“but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there.”

He needs to be able to converse with unfamiliar people though, it’s part of life. He will never be able to get a job if he can’t do this.
This was a massive missed opportunity in forcing him out of his comfort zone and getting him to talk to strangers in a safe environment, you could have even been by his side.

The fact that your son felt rejected by children would be a concern for me. He is 19 - an adult - and he is placing responsibility for his social comfort on children.

you are also placing the blame on the children, perhaps a pattern of not suggesting your son takes responsibility for his own wellbeing?

as others have said kids see him as a adult - a man - not someone to play with. If he was bored he could have played the cool older cousin and suggested something for the kids. Or talked to some other adults at the party. At 19 I was working with mich older adults as was able to have normal conversations with them.

your son has a lot of growing up to do.

This is super weird OP. If it's genuine then you really need to think about getting help for you and DS. I have a dd who is 8 and has cousins who are 15 and 17 and another who is 11. Tbh even the 11 YO fleets between playing with her and rolling his eyes at her and acting too grown up for her. The teens are usually sat playing on their phones or joining in with adult conversations. I don't put any owness on them to keep dd amused when we're together and if my sister expected visa versa for her older children I'd probably laugh at her. If any of them decided to kick a football around with my dd or play hide and seek or get her barbies out then course I would think it sweet and wouldn't see it as bizarre but if any of them moped about and complained of feeling left out because my dd wasn't including them in her 8YO's games then I'd think it seriously bizarre. Why is your DS not able to either amuse himself for a couple of hours or make small talk with the adults or just go join in for a kickabout with the kids if that's what he fancies? I know a lot if teens including one younger teen with quite severe social anxiety,ASD and gender dysphoria and they'd all quite happily join in with adult conversation perhaps with brief periods of playing with younger kids but in more of a babysitting role than a peer to peer role.

I think you’re expecting an awful lot from an 11yo, almost like the 11yo is the host adult and your DS is the child.

I loved hanging out with my older cousins as a child but it would not have occurred to me at 11 years old that I need to be the one to pull my adult cousin out of the room to make them feel included. Your DS could have stayed outside in the garden and sat there and the kids may have approached him that way. He made himself inaccessible by sitting in the living room.

I do think other adults should have made an effort with DS though.

I was hoping it was a typo and you meant 9 till I read the “I know he’s an adult but..” Why would a 19 year old want to play with an 11 year old and his pals? Come on OP, he wasn’t “left out”- he’s an adult and they are children, of course they wouldn’t think to invite him to play!

I am sorry he’s struggling and that you had a hard time at his age too. I’m sure it’s difficult to watch him experiencing the things you did. But this is the wrong issue to focus on - children are not responsible for an adult’s social life and it would be very unusual for them to proactively seek out an adult to ‘play’ with. This could have been a great opportunity for him to push himself a little bit while surrounded by his family - chat with a stranger or hover around you while you showed him how to do it. Did you circulate or did you just stick with him and ignore the rest of the party too?

My daughter is 13. We are immigrants so no family but we regularly have friends round - she cycles between wanting to chat with the adults and wanting to play with the kids so regularly moves back and forth. It’s very natural for there to be a shift as children become older teenagers. I can’t imagine it would occur to either of my children to proactively ‘invite’ the 17/18/19 year olds to play outside.

To an 11 year old your son is now ancient 😂
I am not sure how being neurodiverse comes into this one, other than perhaps fixed thinking from your son of he normally plays with cousins so will play with them each time.
A developmental disorder would make more sense and if you said well he is 19 but mentally 11, but surely this would have been identified by school/HV or doctors at some point.

I think you needed to encourage him into the adult circle more.
It would be fine for him to play with the children if it was a family game e.g. someone said let's all play rounders or cricket, or even everyone pick teams for football. One 19 year old though with two young teens isn't a natural combination for running around outside generally.
If you want them to play with your son maybe get more adults involved so the children see it as family games, or get something specific set up e.g. even a board game that is suitable for them all.

I agree. You might not think he's an adult (but he is) and certainly is to them.

So he was bored for a bit. Meh! That's life.