To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

Do they only see each other a couple of times a year? Interacting with my cousins is a natural part of life to me but we’d be together at least once a week as kids.

I was an introverted teenager. I didn't want to play with the kids or talk to unknown adults, so at a party I'd find the bookshelf and take myself off into a corner to read. My mum was always really embarrased by this, but I remember at one party the host came over, smiled and said 'I was just like you when I was younger, just wanted to find a quiet corner at a party. That's a great book you've chosen'. We ended up having a chat about literature for a while. In that situation, the older person noticed simeine feeling out of place and made an effort to relax them and bring them into a conversation.

It's time for your son to find his own ways of coping at things like this. But, if anyone is responsible for including him, it's the other adults in the room, not the children.

is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon

remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

I don’t want him feeling unwanted and lonely like I did.

I suggest you seek some counselling for your own childhood experiences. You may be projecting your own experiences onto your son.

You may also have babied him as an only child which has led to him having low self esteem. You might be struggling to see him grow up and find his wings.

It might be helpful to unpack all this with a trained counsellor which hopefully will in turn help him.

You DS might also benefit from counselling as well and consider some joint sessions.

This could be a turning point for your son as he enters early adulthood and he will seek more independence and learns to navigate his own relationships.

Your son should have initiated a game of football or similar with them. There is no way 11-13 year olds would be responsible for including a 19 year old. That’s no different from saying the 50 year olds are excluded from playing with the kids. He’s a fully grown adult and they are still young kids.

At 14/15 my dd was joining in with the adults rather than “playing” the cousins and there was only a 5 year age gap between her and the next eldest.

You’re doing your ds a massive disservice by dumping him and swanning off with the others of your generation…even though he’s 19 your parenting job isn’t over…you should have been actively introducing him and making sure he was involved with the adults

Your son is 19, he's an adult not a child! Why would children aged 11-13 even think to ask a 19 year old to come and join in with them??!!! It wouldn't enter their head, because in their eyes he's a 'grown-up'!

This forum gets weirder every day.
He’s 19 OP, he either shoves himself into the game with the kids as the fun older cousin, or he sits and talks to the grown-ups.

I really do wonder what the hell went wrong with parenting.

I assumed 19 months it's a bit early in the day but my gaster is truly flabbered that OP blames an 11 year old for a 19 year olds social awkwardness

As the older one he should have gone over and initiated something with them. They probably thought he didn’t want to join them.
could he have gone and started a game of football or something with them.

Jesus Christ, he's 19 and a man. You're not seriously taking the hump because 11 to 13 year olds played without him? Oh, ffs, lady....

My son is 19 , he wouldn't want to play with his younger cousins, he's an adult he talks to the other adults when we socialise , I think maybe the kids who were younger thought he wouldn't want to play with them because that's a natural thought they considered him to be an adult not a peer.

Yabu. We had a family party at weekend. The 17yo hung out with the adults

My nephew is 19 and, while he does play with our 10year old occasionally (when pestered), he hangs with the adults and chats. If he wanted to play whatever same my DC was playing, he’d wander over and ask if he could join in (or more likely go hover and heckle them!)

Im aware that many mumsnetters tend to infantilise their adult children but this must surely be a joke.
I remember at 19 I would be doing my best to swerve most family type gathering and certainly would not expect to "play with" my much younger cousins

Well this is unfortunate but typical at extended family events - the cousin too old to play with the kids but too young for the oldies.

There is something very weird here however; the expectation of the younger kid to include him or invite him to play. He's finished college, he's not a child. It would have made much more sense for you to include him in the adult talk.

Good grief. I’m trying to imagine how a 19 year old would want to play at all. My 13 year old would rather talk to the adults than play with the kids. You should have been helping him socialise with the adults, showing him how to mingle and make interesting small talk!

Unless there’s a huge drip feed
coming about disability or additional needs-
no I wouldn’t be expecting the children to ask an adult male to come and play with them to not leave him out. Very odd to be honest.

I do wonder how you would have felt if your son at 11 years old had been held responsible for not including a 19 year old visiting family member in his games? Would you have considered that reasonable?

@BoldMaker73 You said that your son spent most of the evening with you. Do you also sit out of the mingling because there are friends of the older generations involved in chatting and you don’t know them very well? Were you mostly on the sidelines for the evening also?

Your son is 19 and an adult. It would be weird if he was out playing with an 11 year old!

No words! Hes a fully grown adult, ..stop treating him like a todler, ..and why is he sat next to you, why is he not out with his mates or partner

technically he's an adult
No he's an adult
He could have kids / mortgage / full time job / be fighting for his country.

Exactly its odd that you want an adult male to play with children, very odd

^^ This

My 12 year old thinks 18 year olds are ancient.... Dont be so blabby ridiculous op. I get he's your PFB but honestly, even you cant think that is normal.