To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

I would say the problem here is your not seeing him as an adult and encouraging him to think of himself as a child.

At 19, he’s an adult. He is old enough to have several children or his own. The others are children. They may have played last year to be polite.

Is your DS neurodivergent? If not, why did he expect them to include him? It sounds like the children understood that he’s an adult and therefore didn’t want to play with him.

Like PPs, I think it’s odd that an adult’s self esteem can be affected because primary aged children won’t play with him. Surely he’s old enough to converse with the adults!

I think this is a bit cute. He's still your sweet baby boy, right OP? PFB and only child as well so he's very, very special.
It's absolutely batshit though. The adult man has his feelings hurt because the children didn't ask him to play? And his mummy is also disappointed about it?! I know you love him but he's a big boy now.

This can’t be real. My God! You do realise that your son is never leaving home, don’t you?

No, not ‘technically an adult’ - he IS an adult. You say he’s nearer the age of the cousin (which arithmetically he is) but he’s actually twice their age and a grown man. Socially the gap between a 19 yo and a primary aged child is far greater than a 19 yo and a 50 yo.

It is weird that you and he are blaming the children. I had cousins 6 and 7 yrs older than me and I wouldn’t have played with them at that stage.

I remember being in a very similar situation at around the same age. The "grown-ups" made it clear they thought the kid and I would hang out together. I was absolutely furious that I was put in the same category as a pre-teen, when I was a young woman. No young adult expects pre-teens to include them in their play. There might be a kind of nostalgic sadness at realizing he's no longer a kid and those days of playing madly in the garden are over.

I’m sorry- you’re thinking an 11 year old child is rude and exclusionary for not playing with a 19 year old man?……

No. Your son shouldn’t have asked to join in. He’s a fucking adult. Not ‘technically an adult’ (as you keep saying). A real fucking adult. The fact he feels rejected is really weird. The fact you feel he should have been playing with children is really weird.
You’re both really weird.

As someone on the spectrum, i’m more inclined to think OP is under the bridge. Interesting first post, I hope her DS can get the support he needs to become a functional adult.

This is a ‘man’ of the future! Ffs OP

I feel for your son, I know someone like this, an only child, who is now 29 and nothing has changed since she was 17 or 18. She had lots of friends when younger but these drifted off at sixth form and at university she found herself friendless.

the sad reality is, that she was over indulged by her parents, never had to share, always told she was special, always the centre of attention, everyone always made allowances for her being an only child. And when adulthood came, her peers couldn’t be bothered indulging her, wouldn’t enable her expectation that everything should revolve around her, everyone do what she wants, everyone make the effort and it not being reciprocated.

She now still lives at home, has massive social anxiety, and spends all her days with her middle aged parents, doing what she wants to do and being told that it’s not her fault. Well it isn’t really, it’s theirs.

I have cousins who are seven to nine years younger and am an only child. At 19 I'd be mostly mixing with the adults but would also get bored of that and spend time organising games with my cousins, throwing or kicking a ball round if there was space, as I was quite close to them. These days my in-laws usually have badminton or table tennis set up in the garden when there is a barbecue, which entertains young and old alike!

Adult son is feeling rejected because he wasn’t asked to play with children?

What kind of games does a 19 year old play with 11 year olds? I think it's very weird to be putting the blame on the cousin (an actual child), when your son is an adult.

I have a DS16 who is ASD, very immature for his age. He likes to play with younger children because he still enjoys hide and seek, tag and all that. But he's in special education and autistic so everyone knows he's "younger" than his age and always has been. He will go and ask if he can join in or if he's feeling shy ask me to ask them. Why didn't your DS ask? How can he feel rejected if he never asked to join in? And how can he, and more importantly you, place the burden of his feeling of rejection on an eleven year old kid? It doesn't make sense at all. Are you ND OP?

A group of children are never going to ask a 19 year old to play as an equal because he's an adult to them. If they wanted him to play it would be to entertain them... they are in completely different life stages.

If he has social anxiety why didn't you make more of an effort to include him in the adult conversations?

I’m sorry your son felt excluded, however, you’re doing your boy absolutely no favours here. To blame his 11 year old cousin, who was simply playing with his friends in his own home, for a 19 year old’s wellbeing, is not helpful, even if there is neurodivergence. What might help is asking him how he might have acted to change the situation for the better.

To OP There is a lot of transferring responsibility onto child / nephew when he did nothing wrong by finding his peers to hang out with . At 19 your son is an adult and needs to develop and practice socialising with adults and older not regressing into childhood . We all had to learn this and it comes with experience , watching and practising .My now 19 year old has had Saturday jobs in hospitality and can speak to anyone from 18months to 80 years now
I see you referring to your own feeling of being left out . What is your relationship like with your nephews family ? Your son wasn’t left out he was an invited adult guest at a family gathering .

You are expecting more from an 11 year old than from your 19 year old son. Which is pretty weird. Possibly, the adults could have made a bit more of an effort to include him.

An 11 year old is not going to approach a full blown adult of 19 and ask them to 'play'. If your son had wanted to join in, it was on him to do so tbh!

I don't know any 19 year old who would have wanted to run around playing with a bunch of tweenagers anyway.

You're placing a huge amount of responsibility on the cousin, who is a child, and none on your son who is an adult! Very odd, very infantilising. But the opposite of the actual child.

Seriously op get a grip.

How do you expect your son to enter the working world if he isn’t capable of chatting to other adults?

Honestly you are putting too much on a 11 year old, you mentioned that your son has social anxiety and is younger than his years.

Did you encourage your son to try and join in?

Did you try and enviegle a aituation wherr your son had to go down and ask his cousin something?
What about a gentle.word with his parents?

I genuinely amnt trying to blame but but i know an 11 year is not to blame.

It would be extremely distasteful for a 19 year old to be playing with anyone, unless he was in charge and organising games for young children. Certainly not playing on the same level!

Your son went to college…for I assume 2 years…and had NO friends?? How is this even possible? How did he spend 2 years in what is possibly THE most social place anywhere, and not have/make friends?

Surely you can see (or work out!) that this is not normal OP? You say that you ‘suspected’ a neurodivergence a few years ago? Maybe you should revisit this and soon!

The party thing is the least of your problems…but as others have said, your son is 19…he sits at the adult table now!

That a grown man felt left out because a little kid didn’t ask him to play is bizarre. That the grown man’s mummy is annoyed at the little kid and concerned about the consequent impact on the grown man’s self esteem is simply wild. Do you still organise play dates for him, OP. The grown man needs to grow up and his mummy needs to let him.