To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

@ThisJollyTaupeGuide What exactly are you finding ‘icky’ about an older cousin wanting to play with a younger one?

He had friends in primary, struggled a bit in early KS3 but had a few friends for most of the rest of secondary school. None in college as his friends went somewhere else and faded away.

That's the post you choose to respond to?
She means it's creepy because it could easily be read that way and you know it. Not saying he was being creepy either, but it could easily seem it.

He needs a job with people his age, somewhere like McDonald's woulD be good for him socially.

This has got to be a wind up?

Because he is a grown man wanting to play children's games with young children. How are you not seeing this? You are infantalising him and setting him up for a world of humiliation. You are the one who is damaging his self esteem. You both might need therapy, or at the very least you need to give your head a wobble and he needs to start behaving like an adult.

Yeah @BoldMaker73 OP get away with yourself lol! not

I know I haven’t answered the question about any neurodivergence yet so the truth is I don’t actually know. We suspected it about him a few years ago and also about myself too. I’ve never actually looked into it but I’ve wondered.

And here’s the massive drip feed ….

It's not the general idea of an older cousin wanting to play with a younger one and I'm sure you understand that. An 8yo wanting to play with a 6yo is fine. The specific situation of a 19yo adult wanting to play with an 11yo child is very socially off. Most typical 19yos would have no interest, would understand that too much interest and emotional investment in the play of a primary school child could be perceived by others as creepy, and would not view themselves on the same developmental/maturity level to want to be included in "play" with them. And this wouldn't need to be explicitly explained to them.

If you think he might be neurodiverse, it would be worth exploring that further so he can better understand himself and how he can succeed.

This drip feeding I am sure 99% of us was expecting may explain him but it does not explain your reaction to all this you must know it is not normal?

19 year olds may play with younger children as in any other adult relative gets kids together for a game of football type thing, but nothing you said comes across as normal from your thinking

There is definitely something a bit concerning about a 19-year-old man who wants to play with a group of 10-13-year-olds as a peer and feels rejected when they don’t invite him to participate. Either he is extremely immature or something else is going on (neurodivergence, developmental delays, etc.). The children were “playing games and running around together.” It wouldn’t be appropriate for a single adult to join in the games of preteens and young teens as though he were an equal.

I would agree that you and your son display ‘black and white’ thinking which is common with people with ASD (myself and my son are autistic FWIW)

Is there a reason behind not pursuing assessment for your ds when younger?

YABU - the dynamic seems quite off here. I'm the eldest cousin by a few years, and it's rubbish being the only person your age at an event. As a teen I always used to take a book to relatives houses, do the mandatory smell talk and then entertain myself. Most of the time the mature adults would tell me I was free to watch TV. I did play with my cousins if they asked me, but it was in the same way I would play a game with my daughter. It wouldn't even cross my mind to feel upset if they didn't ask me.

I saw you think your son might be ND. You need to have a talk about appropriate social interactions.

What else would he do at home? you ask..
Same as anyone does at home.. potter about doing his thing, reading, gaming, have mates over, etc..whatever it is that he likes to do.
Why does he have to be home? He could go out with his friends.
Have you got him tied to your apron strings?
Your niece DID accomodate him..by inviting him.

You need to re-read! It was his nan's 80th birthday, all his family were there. So op means why stay at home whilst everyone else is celebrating.

No niece mentioned

I feel sorry for your son as it comes across as he’s a shy and lonely young man.

However, the way you describe children as leaving him out from playing with them is absolutely pathetic.

It’s a shame there’s no one in the family a similar age to him but come on! He needs help with confidence and to be able to make friends his own age, not to be told by mummy that his child cousin is leaving him out.

He needs to find his self esteem from somewhere else than expecting 11yos to say come play with us.
im sure he was welcome to play with them- most robust 19yos would have assumed they are welcome to rough and tumble as a big kid. This is all about your son and it’s just a symptom of his very poor self esteem and you need to work on that separately. None of this is about an 11yo or similar being inconsiderate or him being excluded. Feeling that way doesn’t make it true,I’d try and help in that regard and be very careful not to let him fall into this victim mentality when it’s all in his end, that will make life much tougher for him. It’s really hard to be friends with people who keep portraying themselves as a victim.

OP what have you done over the last 19 years (which is plenty of time) to help your DS develop the skills to talk to people?

He’s 19, he ought to be able to talk with, at the very least, the family members he’s seen before. Express pleasure at seeing them again ask them what they’re up to. Discuss whatever projects have been going on in their lives. Has that never been a part of your family gatherings? Did you not talk to any of your nieces and nephews to see how they were doing?

As the oldest cousin he should also have links with the younger ones from previous meet ups, be able to join in and offer them some big-brother type mentoring and fun. To expect the younger kids to be the ones reaching out is bizarre.

If he doesn’t develop skills to talk with people who don’t have a completely shared experience of life he’s likely to have a hard time generally until he finally does.

I really can’t understand a 19 year-old being upset because he wasn’t invited to play with a 13 and 11 year-old. There is something completely off with that .

This is bizarre and I wonder if you projecting this kind of thing is effecting his self esteem. I’d never expect a 11-13 year old to ask a 19 year old; or a 19 year old to want to (they’d just suck up being a bit bored for a few hours with the older relatives). I could imagine a 19 year old going over and joining in with a ball game - like a big brother / dad figure but would expect them to take the initiative

The younger boys may have delighted if your son had gone out and chatted to them and initiated a game of football or something. 11 year old boys start to feel very self conscious and not brave enough to approach a much older boy.
you need to get some help for your son to learn some social skills and resilience.

Unless he's autistic and delayed, I'd find this very bizaare.
Even at age 16
I had more in common with 50 year olds than 11 year olds.
I mean have you seen 11 year olds?
They're babies!
Why would he feel rejected by 11 year olds?
If he even tried to.speak.to the adults, they would've spoken to him, does he not see himself as an adult?
Also, stop projecting, its ok to sit alone sometimes...

What a very peculiar question. What on earth would a 19 year old have in common with 13 year old and younger...how bizarre? Besides that it was only for a few hours he had little to no company. If you where so concerned you should have kept him occupied.

In that situation, I think you, DH and the wider family were responsible for ensuring your son had a good time, not an 11 year old child.

You need to encourage him to get a job, any job. Sitting at home for almost a year is not helping his social skills. A job with people his own age will help that. And I'm sorry, it is creepy and weird for a 19 year old man to want to play with children ( the only exception I can think of is possibly video games). You seem to want him to stay as a permanent child.