To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

I thought this too!

If he really wanted to play with the children, he should have gone out and asked. It's not down to an 11 year old to ask an adult to play!

At 11, a 19yo is barely different from a 50yo - they are both adults the way that a Shetland and a shire are both horses

I don’t think that’s true when you’re cousins. I had siblings and cousins that were up to 10 years older, we loved hanging out with them as kids.

I agree though that in this case it seems the 19yo needs leading which doesn’t come naturally to kids.

This has to be a pisstake 😂

There can’t honestly be a mum worrying that her 19-year old adult son is feeling sad he wasn’t invited to play with the kids hahahaha.

Explains so many of the behaviours I see in our new grads and interns at work 🤭

Hahaha same here 🤣

Of course that experiment caused issue with the mothers but the kids loved it. Our son is now their hero.

I thought this was a typo at first and your son was 9, not 19. At 19 I had a 2 year old child and was going through a divorce! I wouldn’t have expected children to ask to play with me unless I was actually responsible for looking after them! My brother however is ND and as an adult he loves playing with children and is very good at it. Maybe it would have actually been good to assign your DS with some role or responsibility at the party so he had something to do and felt useful? But yeah it’s not the cousin’s fault for not including an adult in their games.

Not creepy at all for cousins/ young people to play football etc together at various ages. at gatherings like this. Our cousin age group ranged from small children to young adults and they would all " play" together at events. The huge difference is that everybody just joined in. No one was invited by another. Your son should have gone outside and kicked the ball.

This was a good opportunity for your 19 year old to talk with adults, develop social skills that would help in the workplace and future life. I wouldn’t expect a 19 year old to be hanging with the children.

The OP and her son are clearly that recognisable Mn type, the whiner who thinks it’s other people’s job to stop them feeling ‘excluded’. See also a million school run threads. Next thing we’ll hear is that the 11 and 13 year old were a ‘clique’.

OP, as he’s presumably learned this from you, the best thing you can do for him is to teach him that the onus is on him to actively get involved in something if that’s what he wants, rather than expecting an 11 and 13 year old (or indeed anyone else) to approach him and invite him. His life is in his own hands.

‘What else would he do at home’

Well at 19 surely he can entertain himself.

You are also projecting your own issues onto him, which is doing him no favours. Even if he turns out to be ND, he needs to take responsibility for navigating the relationships with family, friends, colleagues etc.

To be cross with primary age children for not including him is incredibly unreasonable

And it really shouldn’t be up to the children.

My son who 4 and 6 years younger than his siblings definitely played football with them at that age . The older ones were the instigators.How welldothe cousins knees h other ?

I can see how a social gathering can be difficult for a young adult if they have social anxiety and nobody of the same age there. It's a shame he didn't start up a game with the younger kids. If he said he felt rejected then that's an unusual response. Disappointed maybe, but I think the younger kids would have assumed he didn't want to get involved and would have expected him to initiate something.

Just building on what @Kokonimater says, the fact your son is doing some volunteering will help him build self esteem. It's a very tough job market out there so anything that can build resilience and confidence is a good thing as he will need it in interviews and then in work situations too. Does your son have hobbies that can support this? What would he like to do?

He’s a grown man. If he wanted to play /chat to his cousins he should have gone outside and chatted etc

they prob thought he was too old/didnt want to play so didn’t think ask/invite

The troubling thing here is that you’re putting the responsibility on the 11 year old to include an adult in his play.
If a 19 year old wants to play with children then they need be the one taking the lead and organising some sort of game (rounders in the garden for example). It is not the responsibility of an 11 year old to ensure that their young adult cousin isn’t left out.
What sort of things were the children playing that he wanted to join in with?

OP. I think it would be a good idea for you to get a GP appt for your Son and ask for an autism/ADHD assessment under the Right to Choose scheme. He obviously has some difficulties so it’s worth getting on the (very long) waiting list for him to be assessed.

I say this with kindness @BoldMaker73, perhaps you should investigate?
For a 19 year to have his self esteem impacted because an 11 year old didn’t ask him to play is concerning and I think you need to look into how better you can build his confidence and resilience. Being able to conduct ourselves socially is a necessary life skill.. as well as resulting in very rewarding relationships. The fact your son struggles to talk to other adults at this age is something you need to work on with him. He’s no longer a child.

Sounds like you still treat him like a child and mollycoddle him. This may be part of the reason he has no friends - if he’s not capable of holding a conversation with someone older than him and he still wants to ‘play’ like a little kid. He’s not going to develop the social skills he needs to make friends if he’s encouraged to behave like this and if he sees you blaming his 11-year-old cousin for ‘not including’ him. You’re infantilising him and holding him back. Doesn’t help that he doesn’t have a job either. That would help him grow up, make friends, improve his social skills, and learn a bit of emotional resilience and personal responsibility. Time to cut those apron strings

If your 19 (!!) year old old “felt excluded” by an 11 year old, you might want to work on his self esteem.

By the time I was 13, I’d rather have been sat with the adults than playing with the 11 year olds - at 19, I’d definitely have been having a beer with the adults, not playing tag in the garden with the prepubescents.

At 19, he’s closer in age to the 11 year old, but should have more in common with the 50 year olds, on account of him being an adult.

His and your feelings about this are a bit weird.

You are being ridiculous. My nieces and nephews are a similar age and have always played with my younger children- it was on your 19 year old to take some initiative really. Now in my case, my children pester the older ones and need to be told to leave them alone sometimes but honestly he could have easily set something up.

The ‘he’s closer in age to the children’ is a bit odd… when he’s 30 he’ll be closer in age to a 10 year old than a 52 year old, but surely you wouldn’t expect him to play with the 10 year old in that case??

But these guys don’t sound slightly close. The 19yo didn’t know the other adults at the party well enough to chat with them. The cousins haven’t “played” together for a year. He’s not a close adult or one of those “Prince Harry as a young man” fun adults who ends up with kids dragging him into games because he’s fun - he’s an adult acquaintance (not a sibling!) who wasn’t contributing anything to the kids, wasn’t joining in, wasn’t interacting, and waiting for an 11yo to step up.
As a kid did you think your adult cousins were cool and fun or did you think of them as peers? We all had cool older people in our lives as kids - relatives or neighbours or friends older siblings etc. but they weren’t “friends” in the normal sense. - We also all had the quiet off radar adults we didn’t really know or notice.

I can’t quite believe what I am reading here.

Does DS work? I assume he manages to converse with other adults on a daily basis? It would be weird if he was “playing” with the little kids. He’s old enough to have his own

this.

he's NINETEEN FGS.

He's not a child.

fine if he'd still enjoy a kick about or whatever, but it's up to him to take the lead. Not a bunch of much younger children asking an adult if they want to play.

as for damaging his self esteem, you've done him no favours bringing him up like you have. Realise he's an adult & needs to learn some resiliance & ability to communicate with other adults.

what is he doing education wise? Hobbies? Friendships?

EDIT: sorry, just read ALL your posts.

i hope his volunteering leads him into getting a job, it's not easy. But yes, I think it would benefit you both to get some help re the way you are treating him, he's not a child.

By age 19, I had been working full time for 3 years, driving for 2 years, and was engaged and planning my wedding.

By age 19, both of my children had left home and were at Uni in different cities.

YABVVVU. Stop infantilising a grown man. You're doing him no favours.

I'm in my 50s.
I would have been interested in what the 19 y o was doing? How's college / work/ looking for house share / flat share that kind of thing.

The fact that he finished college almost a year ago and doesn't work is likely giving him nothing to talk about.