To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

This is just the weirdest post I have come across, you wanted a little boy of 11yrs old to not leave his 19yr old cousin out ! Positvely weird !

You expected an 11yo to have the social confidence to approach his older cousin and invite him to join in a kiddy game (when most 19yos would not be able to think of anything worse) - but you think it's totally justifiable that your ADULT son was too socially anxious to just join in either with the adults or the children?

Sorry, this is SO strange of you to have such different expectations for them. And I am autistic. I initially just assumed the age was a typo for 9 or 10 and even then I thought you were being daft and he should have just gone and asked to join in.

I am going to be brutal here OP....

If you are worried that an 11 year old not playing with a 19 year old is going to affect his self esteem then you have bigger problems!

Any normal 19 year old would want to find an excuse not to play with the kids.
A more normal post would be "I am the oldest cousin in my family and I always get dumped with the kids, I am now an adult how do I escape the kids".

At 19, I think the question is why the adults weren't making more effort to make him feel included in the adult conversation.

My DD is very much between generations on one side of the family. She does play with and talk to her younger cousins (they think an adult who can talk minecraft is wonderful) but she is equally happy talking to the adults.

Was he waiting to be invited to play by his cousins? It wouldn't dawn on a youngster of 11 that he should be looking out for an adult who might feel left out. Or did he go out and try to join in and that didn't work for some reason?

Did you bring him into your conversations with other family members? Or were you rather hoping he would be able to go and mix with his generation so you didn't have him hanging around?

This cannot be true!

The answer isn’t for him to play with the kids it’s for him to interact with the adults

you were there to help lead what a good opportunity to help him with social skills

I would think it quite, err, odd if a grown man wanted to play with kiddies other than his own .

I'd be more concerned that my adult son was whining that a bunch of kids didn't want to play with him tbh.

“A bit of a shock”… bloody hell.

You expect an 11 year old to organise playing for a 19 year old and are “a bit shocked” they didn’t……. How about the 19 year old organise something?

Sorry OP this is a bit odd. No 11 year old would expect to play with someone 19. If he wanted to lark about with the small children he could have done so I guess. But generally if there was nobody there his age then such is life ! Sometimes that happens. He isn’t being ‘left out’. Just an experience he has to learn happens sometimes. A shame but not the end of the world. Turning his head to believe it was all horrible for him and isn’t it sad is not helping him at all OP. He was at a family do. Where people were either old or very young. Bar him.
It is called life. Don’t encourage him to feel hard done by and self pitying.

My DGD is 14, her cousins are 2, 4, 7 and 11. They all flock to her at family gatherings and they do play well together.

But we see this as a golden time, DGD will always have a relationship with her cousins but it will change as she gets older.

She is already starting to say that she doesn’t want to attend some of the events her DB attends because she does end up sitting next to
mum. But she is not unhappy with this, she feels that she could be doing something other than watching little children play.

Even my 14 year old and 16 year old wouldn’t want to play out with an 11 year old. They would be inside mingling with all the adults.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to do nothing for years on end and just keep wondering. That’s not a great idea.

I think, kindly, get an assessment for yourself also. All the very best.

Sadly I do think it’s true. I was on a facebook forum for parents of teens off to uni. Lots of parents would complain flatmates were ‘mean’ and not going out of way to invite and include them. The concept they are adults and need to interact and make their own plans was lost on some parents.
Clearly there’s something going on with this man and hopefully he will get help and support he needs but I don’t think treating like a young child is the answer.

This is an 11 year old primary school child. Why would they ask someone who left college last year to play? They are a world apart. One is a young child and the other is a man. If your son suggested playing football or something and take charge the 11 year old might play but you carnt put this expectation on a young child who sees an adult family member, not a peer.

@BoldMaker73 I’m pretty sure if your 19 year old son had gone to the younger kids and asked if they wanted any help they would have loved him to play with them, but it would never occur to them to ask a grown-up to play. If he was sat next to the other grown-ups they wouldn’t even have noticed him. They definitely didn’t “exclude him”. He’s 19 not 9.

I wonder if last year one of their parents had suggested they ask your son to play?

Next time I would encourage him to make the first move. My DCs used to love it when older cousins offered to join in their games.

Do you generally mollycoddle him? Does he have friends his own age?

Time to cut the apron strings. Encourage him to be the man he is and when he wants to sit next to you at any sort of gathering, shoo him away.

That sounds cruel but it really is cruel to be kind because if you continue clutching him to your breast, feeling sad because children won't play with him, you're going to end up with a friendless adult.

I'm sure he's able to open his mouth and speaking to adults-give him a push out of the nest.

If you can't do that, at least don't encourage him to be an oddball and an oddball that others might come to look upon with suspicion if he only wants to hang around with children.

Please don’t tell him to ask to join in - that’s really bizarre. It’s a different dynamic - the cousins are not peers and that should be their starting point. Just as a 10 year old wouldn’t ask a 3 year old to play, but would more likely help them play - it’s no different for your DS.

His role (if he wants to spend time with his cousin) should be to take interest in his younger cousin’s life , show the younger cousins cool music and games but not actually play with the younger cousin. It’s a more hands-off involvement and interest/ leadership in the cousins and their friends.

If your DS doesn’t know how to take that soft leadership role in social dynamics with younger children/teens, perhaps he should volunteer at a youth center, sports club or holiday camp for teens - he will be able to observe see how the other coaches/ supervisors relate with the younger kids / teens and can apply it to his family relationships. I would also recommend acting classes - those helped me gain immense confidence in social situations as a young adult.

I assumed initially that the 19 was a typo and was really 9!

This is utterly ridiculous. A 19yo and their parent are upset because the 19yo was left with the adults and not invited to play with an 11yo instead. Only on Mumsnet can this occur ……

Typically, it would be REALLY odd for a 19yo to ‘go play’ with an 11yo and other very young people. The fact it occurred the year before or whatever is odd in itself as 18yo’s don’t want to play with 10yo’s either, that’s just the normal order of things.

I came on here to use the phrase molly coddling - this is beyond bizarre and we wander why there is an utter lack of resilience from and within a lot of young people today.

I’m sorry, but this is a very odd post and I would worry about both the OP and her son in that they both feel offended that a 19 year old man was left out by some much younger children.
At 19 he should be interacting with the other adults, his age or a lot older makes no difference. He is an adult and should be treated as such and should be acting as such. My son 19 year old son would rather sit and talk to an 80 year old than an 11 year old and if I suggested he goes to ‘play’ with his 14 year old cousin, he would be quite shocked.
I think OP should be encouraging her son to grow up and aid his social skills if they are (obviously) lacking by suggesting he spend time with other adults rather than with children.
Again, a very ODD post.

I think that last year it was just the 10-year-old in terms of younger children (the other children this time were, I think, neighbours). So, it makes a little bit (very little bit) more sense.

A 19 year old is closer in age to an 11yo than a 50yo, sure. But I’d expect the 19yo to have more in common, more talking topics and more shared interests with a 50yo than 11yo.