To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

‘Play’ and the age ‘19’ do not belong in the same sentence .

Why does he not work he should have had a saturday job and have been working for 3 years, you should be encouraging him to work..

I remember being that 18 year old sandwiched between kids and much older adults at family events, it just happens and yeah I ended up hanging with the older people as I wouldn't have wanted to run about playing with children, even young teenagers as the gap is too wide by then. If anything I would play in a baby sitting sort of way, not be actively included in games at that age gap.

It's an awkward mix of ages but no-one was rude not to include your son, except perhaps the adults who didn't take the time to engage him in chat.

But, if anyone is responsible for including him, it's the other adults in the room, not the children.

I thought this too. I think you need to teach your son some social skills/coping techniques for these kind of situations. The whole “not comfortably with an unfamiliar adult” thing is not good at his age - that is literally the definition of almost any party or gathering he willl go to. Teach him some “safe” topics of conversation with people he doesn’t know and ask other (adult) family members to help him beforehand if that’s appropriate. But it’s certainly not the responsibility of an 11 year old - that’s incredibly unfair on your nephew.

Im assuming there is no husband and you are treating this fully grown adult man like a toddler so he never leaves you,

Why do we think it odd that a fully grown man wants to play with children you seriously need to ask?????

Your DS needs to learn how to interact with people who are older than him. That's who he's going to be working alongside and living alongside. If he feels "excluded" and has "lost self-esteem" because children are ignoring him, then he's still identifying himself as a child, not an adult. As one of those "ancient" post-50-year-olds he "didn't know" and therefore apparently couldn't engage with, I can categorically say that having a mixture of generations to talk with is refreshing. At familial social gatherings where I often meet for the first time young adult children of my siblings and cousins, I'm more than happy to engage with them and learn about how they see the world. His problem is he didn't even make a minimal effort to do that, and from what you've said, you facilitated this sense of isolation for him. Give me a break with "he has social anxiety". That's BS. It's not a disease, but simply one of the post-modern self-identifying as a victim labels that is ruining today's society. I'm sorry, but I very little sympathy for you or him. You both need to grow up.

I think you and him are seeing him at 19 as a young child not an adult. It’s not for a child to invite him to play. He could have gone to them and asked what they were doing and got involved.
I think your general worry about him is projecting on the situation. He’s done nothing for 11 months since finishing college and just started volunteering. How does he fund his life? Lots of teens who are autistic work eg McDonalds my dd worked at from 16 pt, the lads who didn’t want to speak to anyone were in the kitchen.
I’d encourage him to start to pursue a diagnosis he’s an adult it’s not for you to look into.
If he like playing with younger kids then youth work is an option - lots of summer camps hire teens in this country or abroad. At 19 last summer my dd was at camp America responsible for a cabin of kids and organising activities for all the kids there.

Op was he diagnosed with social anxiety?

did they also look at autism?
As he could be more than anxious.
communication issues and rigid behaviour.
sensory issues?
stims?
friendship issues.

Sorry.
Cousins possibly would not of seen the need for social interaction with your son, because the age gap does affect the play. Why didn’t your son step in and say (assuming they were playing football) ‘Do you need a goalie?’

We attended a family gathering at Easter, we were reluctant guests because we wanted to be at another event. Our son (20) stuck between children aged from 5-13 who were running riot and his adult cousins (30+) and my husband’s siblings.

He took the decision to entertain the children in the garden with a treasure hunt and experiments with coke and mentos (I’m sure you know how this turned out). Of course that experiment caused issue with the mothers but the kids loved it. Our son is now their hero.

How strange that you think an adult would want to play games with a load of children?

Why couldn't he just speak to the adults?

He’s a fully grown man who can vote, get married and buy a house. It is his issue and no one else’s.

Your son will be interacting with adults of all ages in the world of work, so you need to encourage him to start now.

My “technically” adult sons might prefer playing in the garden to talking to 60yo uncles they don’t know very well, but it would be a “adult leader” taking the ball to the park, setting up goals, leading the youth astray mucking around way - not a “playing with peers” way.
The 19yo is a child who needs a bigger boy to hold his hand and include him but the 11yo is a grown man who needs to make sure everyone is included - it’s just a weird attitude.
At 11, a 19yo is barely different from a 50yo - they are both adults the way that a Shetland and a shire are both horses. You just think “oh, there’s a horse” and carry on.

Bloody hell woman, give yourself a bloody good talking to. Your son is an adult. If he is feeling rejected and hurt it is because you have molly coddled him and kept him as a baby because it suits your needs. He is a man not a boy.

My 19 year old wouldn't be seen dead playing with kids 😂

I think maybe you are looking too deep into this. He is an adult.

You can't expect 13yo to host and invite him along. If he wanted to joint the children to run around and play, he should have joined them.

You do realise that your son is an adult, right? It is a bit creepy to think he should be playing with the children as opposed to talking with fellow adults

do you also expect your son to sit at children’s tables at events too?

9 or 19?? Am confused

Not RTFT, but if your DS doesn’t have some learning difficulties, he really needs to grow up and learn some social skills.
And you need to stop treating him like a baby.

From the title I thought this would be about children.

19 isn't technically an adult, its an adult.

That's harsh and unkind

But I do think OP would be better to focus on supporting her son to develop skills with adults, rather than criticise children for not including him

@400rider I initially read that as coke and meth 😂

To be fair to the young man, the OP did ask very leading questions about how he felt in this situation and we don't know that he actually said he felt 'rejected' or whether that was OP's projection due to her own experience.

I have a 19 yo without many friends and while I listen to her express her feelings I try not to validate them as then these behaviours can calcify. I think our generation of parents (and I include myself) can have a tendency to overblow or even pathologise perfectly normal feelings. Like I remember feeling insecure, lonely, depressed, uncertain at that age but god I wouldn't have told my parents nor did they ask me. That way I could just process them on my own and move on or, if I needed to talk about them, do so with a friend.

as others have said this is very unusual OP. He’s 19, and adult, he should be mixing with the adults or if he wants to play the games, go and offer to join in somehow. No nephew at 11 would expect to ask a 19 year old grown adult to ‘play’. He may be closer in age to them but in their eyes he is way beyond their stage.

my DS at 16 would not want to play with the 11-13 year olds and would be much happier with me/interacting with the adults and he is ND and socially finds things difficult. For this reason I always give him the option to attend or not. As being in this inbetween adult/children stage is difficult and sometimes he’d rather stay home alone.

honestly you are looking at this wrong. You need to include him and teach him to interact with the adults, including people he doesn’t know. He will feel awkward at first, but it’s an important skill to learn. YABU to blame your nephew here.