AIBU to end a friendship after last-minute changes to our trip?

[Porridgepudding]

Hi mumsnet, I have a dilemma, which I think calls for me to end a long standing friendship. Looking more to rant than anything else, as it's a miserable story.
Friend is someone I know through work, but we work for different companies. We had planned and paid for a day trip. I made all the arrangements. Friend was going to drive and I pre paid for parking in the city and tickets for a show. 2 hours drive away. We were due to leave this AM. Friend gets in touch at 5pm yesterday asking me to meet her at her partners at 4am.
I spoke to them at 5.30pm and refused, as this was not our agreement, and I was not prepared to drive to a new address in the middle of the night and leave my car there. Also I said they had only sent me a postcode which was dismissed (so effectively driving to a postcode with no house number) she said to look out for her car! Bear in mind again this would have been the middle of the night.
Friend reminded me they were having tests for cancer ( one of the reasons for the trip) and I was not being understanding. Friend also said if I did not want to leave my car I could meet her in the city, again I did not see why I should do this as I'd paid for her car parking but then to take my own (for which I'd also have to sort parking) I said I was still wanting to go, was ready, and looking forward but would not be driving to the partial address given or the city. Multiple messages between us ending with friend then saying it was getting too stressful and to 'just leave it'
Spoken to my sister, who is baffled how someone can drive 2 hours to another city but not 20 minutes to pick me up. Also is stumped why I would only be sent a postcode for the partner (who I have only met once)
Further context- I had sent the parking confirmation yesterday morning and friend responded with a thumbs up emoji. No other comments or messages until 5pm.
If I had been asked at that point in the morning to drive to her home I would have or taken a train into the city, I would 100% have been flexible. However so late on the day before left me no option for public transport, paying more for my own car parking or being bullied to do what friend was asking.
My view is they have gone to see their partner who had advised her to not bother picking me up, and instruct me to come to his address.
I'm feeling really disappointed, more that friend has come across in the call and message as I am being unreasonable when all I wanted/expected was to stick to the original agreement, or at least to have had reasonable notice of a change.
Background info- I have been told at a recent conference by someone else in our field that she left her last company because of complaints of bullying towards junior staff last year. This fits for me in that I know her current job has meant a pay drop for her. I'm putting this in to give a sense of others view of her. Again never affected me but I have seen that side of her this weekend.
Curious what others would do in this situation based purely on what's happened, and written here.
Thankyou for reading.

All the 'she's and 'they's are making this hard to read and that without it being a jumble of who-knows-what in the first place.

What time were you supposed to meet? Is 4 am much earlier?

If she agreed to drive and pick you up it is annoying for her to change that the day before but is there something else? If it's 20 minutes to pick you up then that's about £10 in a taxi? I can understand you having bad taste about it if she wasn't very nice on the phone.

The rumours about work shouldn't have any impact. It's irrelevant to this.

Like others, I’m confused by the 4am part.

From what I can gather she was going to drive 20 mins to your house to collect you in the morning (though you don’t specify the time- was she driving to yours at 4am?) to then drive you 2 hours to wherever the day trip was taking place. You’d paid for the parking and show.

She’s going through a stressful time with a cancer scare so for one reason or another no longer wished to collect you and asked you to drive to her DP’s house where she also was. You didn’t want to but it mostly seems to be because for whatever reason she only offered up the postcode… If you were going to be up early anyway to be collected by her, the extra 20 min drive shouldn’t make too much of an issue for you.

All sounds a bit mountain molehill.

Why can’t you drive to a new address and what has 4am got to do with anything? Are you frightened to drive at night? Is this much earlier than you were supposed to be meeting?

You seem quite dismissive of her cancer yet very worried about you having to drive to a postcode (which is standard for NAV)

This sounds ridiculous, and not friendship ending. I don’t get why you had to get her at 4am though!

Why 4am?

4am thing aside - you live 20 mins apart, she was driving you to a city 2 hrs away and picking you up on the way, then said can you come to her partners instead and she’ll drive you from there? If I’ve got that right that is so fine?

This is all very very strange. On both sides!

1. if my friend was driving 2 hours for us, yes I would drive to her first of all and not expect her to pick me up 20 mins away (assuming in other direction so 4x 20 mins extra all in for her) . On that bit Yabu.
2. I would have absolutely zero problem with parking my car at her boyfriends. So on that bit Yabu.
3. the address thing is so so strange on both sides! Surely the conversation goes ‘here’s the address’ ‘oh you haven’t given me the number’ ‘whoops, it’s 3’ not sure who to blame there for the number not being given. Unless it was a house name, did she give that?

on balance, I’m afraid you are the one seeming unreasonable here op. No idea why you would have expected the pick up in the first place, unless it was on the way?

There’s lots of context missing from your op which may be relevant. Is the 4am a weird time given the timing of the event? You didn’t say.

And I’ve just read your title - you want to end a friendship because shr asked you to drive to get first?!? That’s a tad dramatic.

Basically you’re demanding your friend with cancer drives 20 minutes to get you, to drive you 2 hours away, and you think it’s unacceptable she wants you to drive to her to meet instead, at the same time? So it’s ok for her to drive at 4am, (or 20 mins before that), but not you as it’s a new address so you’re refusing, and you think you now need to cut her off for her awful behaviour?!!

Do you have an issue with driving, as it’s hard to see how on earth you can think your friend is BU

Sorry I think YABU and making a mountain out of a molehill - end the friendship for whatever reason you what - but don’t try and pin this on her and make this her fault.

Was the original plan that your friend would pick you up at home? At what time? Needing to be at her partner's at 4am to drive to a city 2 hours away seems madness! I think you have both overreacted. I wouldn't want to be up at 3.30 in the morning either, but at least the roads will be empty of traffic, and your friend is acting like her partner's address is a state secret.

I don’t really see the problem, especially given the cancer tests. I get that it’s a change to an existing arrangement but it wouldn’t have been too difficult for you to go to her pickup point since she was driving? Am I missing something?

I know some people are very rigid and react badly to changes to arrangement, but do you really want to end a friendship over this?

🤯

You seem incredibly inflexible. My postcode literally brings you to my house. It seems super weird you need to be anywhere by 6am for a show. If your friend is feeling unwell and going through cancer investigations, she needs to get as much sleep as possible. It makes sense that you get up and travel to her since it’s her treat presumably. I would assume you were being unnecessarily difficult and didn’t want to go and I couldn’t be asked with all the hassle anymore either.

Tell that to my friends house then please - her postcode on satnav takes you to a dead end about 150m from her actual house.

And my brothers postcode covers 3 streets.

Op im not a fan of flaky people changing arrangements but if it was only 20 min away Id have got a taxi to the partners

That was exactly the plan that the friend had agreed to, so it's hardly like the OP was imposing some unfair last min plan on her friend. Quite the reverse. OP had done everything else and all the friend had to do was drive to pick her up then to the show. It's hardly the OP being some kind of unfeeling bitch wanting to stick to the agreed plan that she'd done all the organising and paying for already.

The 4am thing is bizarre in any case.

If the original agreement was that she pick you up at your house, I'd have stuck with that if possible. It sounds like you'd already worked out some fair ways to offset using her car, like you paying for parking. I'd have considered the proposed change, but since it was last minute and inconvenienced me AND she didn't give a reason, I'd have been comfortable saying no. I wouldn't end the friendship, but would push to keep the plans you both agreed to for this trip and agree to ditch the trip if no compromise could be reached.

I've fallen out with a friend over something like this but honestly looking back we weren't real friends at this point. I really think true friends wouldn't fall out over things like this. If my friend asked me to change a plan to this degree I'd assume it was because there was a reason and if I could do it then I would. The minutiae doesn't really matter.

So much context missing. Leaving the 4am thing for now as everyone (including me) is confused about that. But it's still hard to say if the change to you driving to her partner's is tricky or not. Where I live, a postcode covers about 20 houses on a well lit street with safe and easy parking. Or was she asking you to drive rurally and find a remote house down a dark dirt track? On the surface of it, it seems pretty reasonable of her to ask you to come to her.

@Porridgepudding Did you ask her why the sudden change in plans?
Did she tell you why?
It sounds like neither of you communicated well.
Asking you to go somewhere for 4am and not give you the address is just weird?

It all sounds ridiculous tbh.

The op misses out so many things that the comments are just speculation…

it doesn’t say what the original plans were, whether the 4am was weird given the event time, whether the 20mins to pick her up was out of the way, or on the way.

so no one can really say either way who is being unreasonable

OP has paid not only for the parking but also two theatre tickets. I should think that more than outweighs the cost of the petrol.

You are being very unreasonable.