AIBU to end a friendship after last-minute changes to our trip?

[Porridgepudding]

Hi mumsnet, I have a dilemma, which I think calls for me to end a long standing friendship. Looking more to rant than anything else, as it's a miserable story.
Friend is someone I know through work, but we work for different companies. We had planned and paid for a day trip. I made all the arrangements. Friend was going to drive and I pre paid for parking in the city and tickets for a show. 2 hours drive away. We were due to leave this AM. Friend gets in touch at 5pm yesterday asking me to meet her at her partners at 4am.
I spoke to them at 5.30pm and refused, as this was not our agreement, and I was not prepared to drive to a new address in the middle of the night and leave my car there. Also I said they had only sent me a postcode which was dismissed (so effectively driving to a postcode with no house number) she said to look out for her car! Bear in mind again this would have been the middle of the night.
Friend reminded me they were having tests for cancer ( one of the reasons for the trip) and I was not being understanding. Friend also said if I did not want to leave my car I could meet her in the city, again I did not see why I should do this as I'd paid for her car parking but then to take my own (for which I'd also have to sort parking) I said I was still wanting to go, was ready, and looking forward but would not be driving to the partial address given or the city. Multiple messages between us ending with friend then saying it was getting too stressful and to 'just leave it'
Spoken to my sister, who is baffled how someone can drive 2 hours to another city but not 20 minutes to pick me up. Also is stumped why I would only be sent a postcode for the partner (who I have only met once)
Further context- I had sent the parking confirmation yesterday morning and friend responded with a thumbs up emoji. No other comments or messages until 5pm.
If I had been asked at that point in the morning to drive to her home I would have or taken a train into the city, I would 100% have been flexible. However so late on the day before left me no option for public transport, paying more for my own car parking or being bullied to do what friend was asking.
My view is they have gone to see their partner who had advised her to not bother picking me up, and instruct me to come to his address.
I'm feeling really disappointed, more that friend has come across in the call and message as I am being unreasonable when all I wanted/expected was to stick to the original agreement, or at least to have had reasonable notice of a change.
Background info- I have been told at a recent conference by someone else in our field that she left her last company because of complaints of bullying towards junior staff last year. This fits for me in that I know her current job has meant a pay drop for her. I'm putting this in to give a sense of others view of her. Again never affected me but I have seen that side of her this weekend.
Curious what others would do in this situation based purely on what's happened, and written here.
Thankyou for reading.

I'm shocked so many of you think it's reasonable to drive in the early hours to a strangers house and then leave the car there

Do they live in a war zone or something?

Mumsnet is fucking mental 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Your friend is weird for wanting you to set off at 4:00am because FUCK THAT.

You are also weird for not wanting to park outside your friends partners house.

Jesus I count my lucky stars every day I’m friends with normal people.

Well, if it was me, I probably would have driven the 20mins to her partner’s place, but I don’t understand why it would be 4am instead of 6am if that was the original plan. Did she not offer any explanation why she wanted to go so much earlier?

I'm shocked so many of you think it's reasonable to drive in the early hours to a strangers house and then leave the car there

OP, mostly I'm with you, but this is one bit I don't understand. You're not really being asked to leave the car with some dodgy stranger, you're just being asked to leave your car near your friend's partner's house - probably on the street, given that it's a row of terraced houses. It's no different from leaving it in any area where you haven't been to before as you might when, for example, going to visit a friend's, or going to someone like a hairdresser or dentist you haven't been to before. Why is it so shocking?

This. Or get a taxi if it’s not very far?

I’d understand feeling put out that she asked for more from you after agreeing to something different. I don’t understand why you say it would be fine to drive to hers if she’d told you half a day earlier but seem are stamping your foot at being asked to drive to her boyfriend’s.

In particular, this:
I'm shocked so many of you think it's reasonable to drive in the early hours to a strangers house and then leave the car there.
is bizarre.

You are being asked to drive to a residential street to pick up your friend and park your car in the same area your friend seems happy to park hers. Not walk blindly into a stranger’s house where no one can hear you scream. How is this materially different from driving to your friend’s house?

Giving up on a trip you’d looked forward to for the sake of holding your line on this seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Why did you need to be there at 4am if you were planning to leave at 6am?

I don’t know if I’ve missed this but how far away does the partner live from you? And does he live further away from the city you’re going to, that’s why you need to leave at 4am versus 6am?

Just get the address off her and get a taxi to her partners house. No big deal.

Jesus F#ck, I know. You'd think she'd been asked to drive to Mogadishu or Tehran.

Still doesn't add up. How would OPs friend picking her up at 6 to get into the city for 8 mean her friend had to get up earlier and 'spend less time in bed with her boyfriend' as you put it, when OP also claims said friend wanted OP to drive over for/at 4am, where she'd actually get less time in bed with her boyfriend?

Driving 4-5 hours in a day is not an unsubstantial task either. OP says this has been arranged because her friend potentially has cancer, so she probably isnt feeling 100% yet she's the one whose been dumped with all the driving and physical effort to get them there and back. In fact if we reversed this 'my friend paid for us to go out for the day because I might have cancer, but I'm feeling ill and knackered and she's expecting me to do all the driving and I'm too tired. It will be 4-5 hours and when I asked her if she could drive 20 mins to meet me at my partners house to help me out she said I'm a shit friend and ended our friendship over it' I suspect most would say op is unreasonable.

If someone paid for me to have a nice day out when I was ill but expected me to do hours of driving I'd think they're a piss taker tbh and wouldn't have agreed.

Why are you leaving so early for a show?
You'll be in the city at 6-7am?

Is your house on the way there? Otherwise why cant.you pick her up from boyfriends and you do the driving?

He’s 20 mins away.

So glad I'm a loner

I might suspect that she has had the news about her cancer and wanted her boyfriend with her while she tells you. She thought it might be a bit of a heavy conversation to set off straight after, so suggested you come over earlier than originally planned.

Could that be it?

Ohh I thought it was OP’s friend’s house that was 20 minutes away. In that case I’d be mildly annoyed because I’ve paid for everything but would only really have a problem with the friend deciding we have to get started so early in the morning

What if it’s a residential permit road and OP can’t park there?

Given these people don’t even want to tell OP the door number, I don’t blame OP for not having trust in the parking situation there.

This is weird and I don’t really understand a lot of it. You were originally meant to set off at 6am. The original plan was she picks you up. She lives 20 mins away. Where has 4am now come from? Why can’t you just drive to her at 5.40am and leave from there at 6? I don’t really get what the fuss is.

This would have got my goat.

F: I know I was meeting at your house at 6.00 am (friend would have to leave at 5.40 am but
Can we change plans and you come to my house at 4.00 am. (Op has to leave at 3.40 am)
OP: OK. what's the address
F: Here's the post code.
OP: But What's the number of the House
F: You can drive up and down the road until you spot my car in the dark, you'll be able to deduce the house number from that.

I think the friend was being unreasonable changing the plans at such short notice and giving OP such shit directions. How hard is it to say a house number. I think she was being unhelpful as she knew it would make OP pull out... either the friend didn't really want to go or her boyfriend didn't want her to go.

OP I hope you made it to the show with the sister.

OP probably wouldn’t be able to see the house number in the dark either 🤷‍♀️
And the friend had a cancer-related appointment so I doubt she was trying to back out!

That's a fair point about not being able to see the house number in the dark, although some houses do sometimes have lights in the porch etc but I don't see why the friend's medical appointment would stop her from backing out.

More likely to back out, which is completely understandable, but she could have just said that to OP who could have arranged to go with someone else.
Overall it comes across to me that the friend wanted to back out, (it was no cost to her) and was being difficult, judging that then OP would be more likely to choose to back out first.

But its done and dusted now I guess. I hope OP made it to the show anyway.

I might have misunderstood the cancer part actually. I read it that they were driving to the medical appointment and later the show, as OP said the her friend’s cancer tests were the reason for the trip.
But perhaps she meant the day out was intended as a treat at a worrying time? I’m not sure.

Trust your gut instinct. The 4am meet up and postcode is odd and I think you’re sensible in protecting your personal safety. I think her comments about cancer tests are irrelevant and lean towards emotional blackmail.

Why is she so entitled? Does she think you are totally reliant on her for concerts, entertainment, etc.? That you have nobody else to go out with? What is it all based on? When I had no partner, my partnered friends thought they were doing me an immense favour by going out with me. Is that it? Tell her to sod off.

I can't believe falling out about something like this! She texted you the night before to say can you drive 20mins to her partners house..... It's hardly a difficult request if she's driving the 2hrs to the city!!

You had all evening to have a look on Google maps so you knew where it was.

Are you a nervous driver? I wouldn't give this a second thought - unless her partner lives in a ghetto!

But if you know the door number, you can at least read the numbers of some houses who do have porch lights and make your way to the right house.