AIBU to end a friendship after last-minute changes to our trip?

[Porridgepudding]

Hi mumsnet, I have a dilemma, which I think calls for me to end a long standing friendship. Looking more to rant than anything else, as it's a miserable story.
Friend is someone I know through work, but we work for different companies. We had planned and paid for a day trip. I made all the arrangements. Friend was going to drive and I pre paid for parking in the city and tickets for a show. 2 hours drive away. We were due to leave this AM. Friend gets in touch at 5pm yesterday asking me to meet her at her partners at 4am.
I spoke to them at 5.30pm and refused, as this was not our agreement, and I was not prepared to drive to a new address in the middle of the night and leave my car there. Also I said they had only sent me a postcode which was dismissed (so effectively driving to a postcode with no house number) she said to look out for her car! Bear in mind again this would have been the middle of the night.
Friend reminded me they were having tests for cancer ( one of the reasons for the trip) and I was not being understanding. Friend also said if I did not want to leave my car I could meet her in the city, again I did not see why I should do this as I'd paid for her car parking but then to take my own (for which I'd also have to sort parking) I said I was still wanting to go, was ready, and looking forward but would not be driving to the partial address given or the city. Multiple messages between us ending with friend then saying it was getting too stressful and to 'just leave it'
Spoken to my sister, who is baffled how someone can drive 2 hours to another city but not 20 minutes to pick me up. Also is stumped why I would only be sent a postcode for the partner (who I have only met once)
Further context- I had sent the parking confirmation yesterday morning and friend responded with a thumbs up emoji. No other comments or messages until 5pm.
If I had been asked at that point in the morning to drive to her home I would have or taken a train into the city, I would 100% have been flexible. However so late on the day before left me no option for public transport, paying more for my own car parking or being bullied to do what friend was asking.
My view is they have gone to see their partner who had advised her to not bother picking me up, and instruct me to come to his address.
I'm feeling really disappointed, more that friend has come across in the call and message as I am being unreasonable when all I wanted/expected was to stick to the original agreement, or at least to have had reasonable notice of a change.
Background info- I have been told at a recent conference by someone else in our field that she left her last company because of complaints of bullying towards junior staff last year. This fits for me in that I know her current job has meant a pay drop for her. I'm putting this in to give a sense of others view of her. Again never affected me but I have seen that side of her this weekend.
Curious what others would do in this situation based purely on what's happened, and written here.
Thankyou for reading.

I don't see what she's done that could be called bullying.

Driving to pick you up and leave you back is another 80 minutes on top of a 4 hour round trip. Of course you should be prepared to come to her, especially if she's having tests for cancer. I wouldn't want to pick you up either now.

Fail to see why the postcode is an issue when you can ask her for further details.

She tried to leave it but it seems like you won't let her. What bullying? It's a minor change.

It’s fine for her to ask you to come to her but I agree more notice should have been given. Your reaction feels quite big though. You seem to have taken it personally when it’s likely she was just trying to make her life a bit easier and most people would be fine with a 20 min drive.

@Porridgepudding YANBU to be annoyed that she substantially changed the plans at such late notice without any reason

I think you started this issue , and my assumption if you are willing to loose the friendship over this then you are not really a friend .

I’m finding it hard top piece together the original arrangements v the proposed re-arrangement.

Was she supposed to pick you up but instead she wanted you to pick her up?

Not sure why driving to a new address at 4am is an issue if that’s close to the time you both intended to set off anyway.

She probably is overwrought if havjng cancer tests, and you feel aggrieved having your plans change.

Total palaver.

Both take a deep breath.

Driving to pick you up and leave you back is another 80 minutes on top of a 4 hour round trip. Of course you should be prepared to come to her, especially if she's having tests for cancer. I wouldn't want to pick you up either now.

Then she shouldn't have agreed to it. The tests don't sound like new info. Sounds more like she's decided late in the day she wants to stay at boyfriend's and cba to stick with the agreement so batted it back to OP to do more running. It's not bullying but it's not being a good friend and if she has form for it, I'd sack her off.

I actually don't think the OP is being unreasonable. The 4.00am bit is irrelevant, and so is most of the rest of the story. However, the bit that is relevant, is that this trip had been planned to the nth degree, OP had already paid her friends parking, and in her mind, everything was organised. So she was then expecting to follow the plan, which had been agreed, when suddenly, and at very late notice, the friend suddenly decides to change everything. I too would be fed up about it, and like the OP, would assume that her friend had told her partner the plans, and he/she had suddenly put their oar in, and suggested a different plan which her friend had decided to implement with no discussion with the OP. This too would have annoyed me, as the arrangement was none of the partner's business, and didn't affect them.

OK, yes, the OP could have driven to the partner's house, but it sounds like for some reason, having asked to change the plans, her friend was being mysterious about giving the full address, which probably put the OP on edge about where her car was to be left for the day, and so things got a bit heated on both sides, but the whole situation was caused by the friend changing plans last minute.

Personally OP, I don't think I would write the friendship off at this stage, but I would want to have a proper face to face discussion with my friend, and find out why she felt it was OK to change MY plans, on the say so of someone who wasn't even involved. Then if she got stroppy, and still felt that she was in the right, I might decide that our friendship was no longer something I wanted to continue.

@pinkdelight
no where in the op does it say that the original agreement was for the friend to pick her up. She hasn’t mentioned if there was any plans at all about that.

If I’m driving I often request people come to me. Even if they live fairly close. They can easily park near/ at my house and it is easier for me. I load the car…waters blankets etc while waiting for them to arrive. I have a reliable car I can afford the petrol and I’m ok doing all the driving (and paying for it by my choice) but sometimes the picking up and dropping back off at their door feels a bit chauffeur to me. When we arrive home often we both unpack car she visits the loo and then gets in her own car and drives the short distance home.

op I think it is too late to salvage the day but I wouldn’t end the friendship over this.

You’ve left out lots of information here, OP. Why 4 am? Why not take public transport to the destination city in the first place, assuming that trying to avoid morning rush hour traffic is the reason for the early start? Was the original arrangement that she would pick you up? Why not take a taxi to her boyfriend’s house?

Either way, it’s certainly not something to end a friendship over. It’s a huge overreaction.

It is hard to untangle who is being unreasonable, but I do feel you are over reacting by considering ending the friendship.

I am curious what the cancer tests were. Some of them can be like mini-surgeries done under general anesthesia where you are not allowed to drive for 24hrs after discharge.

I feel there was a missed opportunity in the conversation to ask why your friend felt she needed the change to the original plans.

It sounds utterly exhausting.

This all sounds like a mountain out of a molehill...

Did you end up going in the end OP? Or staying at home?

It sounds like you are letting what you heard about her from an old employer cloud your judgement.

Depends on so many things as to whether YABU or not.

If it was a show and it was only 2 hours away, why the need to arrive at her partner's at 4 am?

If it would take her 20 mins to collect you, then drive 2 hours, how far away is her partner's house? Is it in the right direction so would actually shave a good bit of driving off for her? In which case I don't think she's being unreasonable to ask. A four hour round trip is a lot to do while you just sit back and have a snooze.

You seem to be making a bit of a fuss about only having a postcode and having to change your plans. Do you not react well to spontaneity? Is the change of plan making you anxious?

The 4 am thing sounds weird but otherwise I don't think it's an unreasonable request if it makes her driving a lot less.

Sorry I'm confused by the logistics and random use of pronouns. Has she gone to the boyfriend's house last minute, whereas the arrangement was that she picks you up on the way to the show in the morning.

In any event the 4am pick up is bonkers - I'm wondering whether the intention is for you to pick her up from the boyfriend's, then go back to her house to get into her car to drive to the venue?

but we do not know how much that cost is. It could have been a deal, comp tickets, cheap production. Parking could be a fiver but petrol could be very expensive. Or none of the above applies. hence why I’m asking. it’s hard to say whether the op is being unreasonable or not without this information. Lots of people get treated to stuff but actually it’s not a treat it’s a deal and the person being treated forks out more for the gifted experience.

You want to cut off a friend going through cancer treatment because she wanted you to do a 20 minute drive rather than her pick you up and do a 2 hour drive to the city, then presumably another 2 hours back? Do you really not see that you're being unreasonable? More than unreasonable, it's heartless really.

Cancer tests, not treatment, there is a difference.

I think everyone in this story is being weird. Changing plans the day before is awkward and the new plan being that you drive to the partner's postcode and then just walk up and down the street looking for your friend's car in the dark is completely bonkers. Was the original plan to leave at 4am because if the initial plan was for a more normal time like 7am then the new plan is even more strange.

You are being inflexible to refuse to go to her and to want to call off the entire friendship over this one situation. Whatever has happened at work doesn't really have any bearing on what's gone on between you two so it's unreasonable if you to include it.

What time had you originally planned she would pick you up? Is the show a whole day event, like an agricultural type show rather than a theatre trip? It must be if a 4am meet up was suggested.

I do think you're right about the boyfriend. If she had rung you and asked you to drive over and explained why she wanted you to do that I expect your response may have been different. If she's stressed and worried, maybe she wanted to take a bit of pressure off over what time she got up, etc.

4am pick up for a day trip is ridiculous. You’d be exhausted & nodding off in the theatre.

This whole ‘ending friendships over minor gripes’ mindset must be exhausting, and lonely.

On the one hand, she is changing the plans which you had both agreed to, which were that she would drive and in return you paid parking and bought the show tickets.

But there is a lot missing. Why 4.00 a.m? If it's a two hour drive you would end up in a city on a Sunday morning at 6.00 a.m. What were you planning to do?

If DP only lives 20 mins away then you could have driven to DPs - unless you are on the way to wherever you were going, that would be silly to ask you to do that. But if you are in the other direction then it would make sense and be nice for you to have done this.

Don't get why she wouldn't give a door number.

There seems to be inflexibility on both sides from the information you have given.

She doesn't know the address and her friend told her to just go around some postal code and look for her car.

That's fucking absurd.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, she is still doing the bulk of the driving. You can park at the postcode street then message her to come out? Not worth falling out about. Maybe she's not wanting to drive at all now, could you do it? It does seem very, very early for a 2 hour drive, you'll be there at 6am!