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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to end a friendship after last-minute changes to our trip?

278 replies

Porridgepudding · 03/05/2026 14:53

Hi mumsnet, I have a dilemma, which I think calls for me to end a long standing friendship. Looking more to rant than anything else, as it's a miserable story.
Friend is someone I know through work, but we work for different companies. We had planned and paid for a day trip. I made all the arrangements. Friend was going to drive and I pre paid for parking in the city and tickets for a show. 2 hours drive away. We were due to leave this AM. Friend gets in touch at 5pm yesterday asking me to meet her at her partners at 4am.
I spoke to them at 5.30pm and refused, as this was not our agreement, and I was not prepared to drive to a new address in the middle of the night and leave my car there. Also I said they had only sent me a postcode which was dismissed (so effectively driving to a postcode with no house number) she said to look out for her car! Bear in mind again this would have been the middle of the night.
Friend reminded me they were having tests for cancer ( one of the reasons for the trip) and I was not being understanding. Friend also said if I did not want to leave my car I could meet her in the city, again I did not see why I should do this as I'd paid for her car parking but then to take my own (for which I'd also have to sort parking) I said I was still wanting to go, was ready, and looking forward but would not be driving to the partial address given or the city. Multiple messages between us ending with friend then saying it was getting too stressful and to 'just leave it'
Spoken to my sister, who is baffled how someone can drive 2 hours to another city but not 20 minutes to pick me up. Also is stumped why I would only be sent a postcode for the partner (who I have only met once)
Further context- I had sent the parking confirmation yesterday morning and friend responded with a thumbs up emoji. No other comments or messages until 5pm.
If I had been asked at that point in the morning to drive to her home I would have or taken a train into the city, I would 100% have been flexible. However so late on the day before left me no option for public transport, paying more for my own car parking or being bullied to do what friend was asking.
My view is they have gone to see their partner who had advised her to not bother picking me up, and instruct me to come to his address.
I'm feeling really disappointed, more that friend has come across in the call and message as I am being unreasonable when all I wanted/expected was to stick to the original agreement, or at least to have had reasonable notice of a change.
Background info- I have been told at a recent conference by someone else in our field that she left her last company because of complaints of bullying towards junior staff last year. This fits for me in that I know her current job has meant a pay drop for her. I'm putting this in to give a sense of others view of her. Again never affected me but I have seen that side of her this weekend.
Curious what others would do in this situation based purely on what's happened, and written here.
Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
Tonymate · 05/05/2026 03:13

Personally, I wouldn't bother with the 'ending the friendship' part of it. I'd have kept it simple and said 'No, I'm not doing any of that nonsense. Either we stick to the original arrangement or the whole thing's off'. If the friend chose to be offended, that would be up to her.

Peanutbutterkitty · 05/05/2026 03:51

I dont get your problem. You wont leave your car on the boyfriends street? Why?! This is so weird.

I would be annoyed about the no house number thing and said "At 4am I might not even be able to notice your car as it will be dark so you will need to tell me a house number if you want picking up."

Other than that, no problem.

99bottlesofkombucha · 05/05/2026 04:00

I wouldn’t go either, but I’d consider hiring an air Tasker to go, look for her car, and lean on the bell for 5 houses each side asking for her partner and saying they can’t get onto him and his partner told them to find his house by identifying her car at 4am 😁😁

Heartshapedlips · 05/05/2026 04:45

So you thought you were going on a day trip to see a show and your friend thought you were accompanying her to have tests for cancer and the show was to make a nice day of it? But then you were completely inflexible and you went with your partner instead? What happened to the friends cancer tests?

HelmholtzWatson · 05/05/2026 05:03

meh you both sound like hard work.

hidingmynuts · 05/05/2026 06:38

outerspacepotato · 03/05/2026 15:14

This is weird af. She expects you now to drive around looking for her car with the vague directions being a post code? At 4 AM? And leave your car at her bf's place?

Was she high? Because that's nuts.

I mean, maybe your post codes are a few streets but ours are big areas. The fuck? 😂

THIS. Sorry but I am not driving around in the dark looking for some stupid car in order to guess where my friend is staying. Thats the most ridiculous thing ive heard. I mean, has she given you any other clues?- a riddle perhaps, to work out where she is at 4am? 🙄

I'm not sure I'd drop her but I certainly wouldnt be making any day trip plans with her in future. A casual no pressure coffee out when I was already in town would be my social limit for a flaky odd person such as this.

RubyFlax · 05/05/2026 06:39

Therapyboop · 03/05/2026 23:35

Yabu. It's a car. 🙄 It's not like you were leaving your keys with her DP too.
You've made a massive mountain out of a molehill and ruined your trip.

Show quote history

This! Driving 20 mins away and leaving your car somewhere you don’t know? Heaven forbid!

I’ve left my car on random roadsides (parked legally and safely) loads of times in places I don’t know when I’ve have to go on work trips and meet colleagues half way. Likewise turning up at a random postcode !? An absolute non-issue! Put the postcode in sat nav, drive there, arrive at destination, see friends car parked outside house or in driveway. What’s hard about that !? Presumably your friend was going to to be awake at 4am to meet you so if you can’t find the house just call and say I’m here which one is it !

And why such drama about not driving into the city separately and meeting here there if that’s the case? You have to pay for parking? So what !? Just book more parking for yourself and tell your friend she owes you £100 for the show and £x for the parking you booked her.

Yes it’s a bit annoying that she changed the plans last minute, and I’d have probably had a grumble to my DH about being annoyed with my friend, but the complete inflexibility from your side has just cut off your own nose to spite your face. I’m not surprised your friend said to just leave it, but in all honestly if I were you I’d have gone by myself to the city & show and enjoyed a day out, or taken one of the kids with me of your husband needed to stay and look after other DC. It really does seem like a mountain out of a molehill.

ThePaleDreamer · 05/05/2026 06:58

Do people drive to a random road leave their car there and go off for the day, because I dont know anyone irl that does that.

Do you only ever park in car parks?

Clafoutie · 05/05/2026 07:22

bostonchamps · 03/05/2026 16:16

This whole ‘ending friendships over minor gripes’ mindset must be exhausting, and lonely.

Agreed. Modern friendships/relationships seem to hang by a thread, with people constantly on the verge of ending them over the first sign of a disagreement. Not helped by people also no longer picking up a phone to talk, because that too is seen as the height of rudeness. Social media has us thinking in terms of ‘blocking’ and cutting people off.

There was another thread on here recently where the OP wanted to end a relationship because their partner had promised a home-cooked meal and then had served a three course meal from packets. This was perceived as relationship ending. It is a wonder that any friendships and relationships last these days when they are so fraught and uncompromising.

nomas · 05/05/2026 07:31

Clafoutie · 05/05/2026 07:22

Agreed. Modern friendships/relationships seem to hang by a thread, with people constantly on the verge of ending them over the first sign of a disagreement. Not helped by people also no longer picking up a phone to talk, because that too is seen as the height of rudeness. Social media has us thinking in terms of ‘blocking’ and cutting people off.

There was another thread on here recently where the OP wanted to end a relationship because their partner had promised a home-cooked meal and then had served a three course meal from packets. This was perceived as relationship ending. It is a wonder that any friendships and relationships last these days when they are so fraught and uncompromising.

Show quote history

I think there have always been friendships where one person comes out with some weirdness that makes you question everything about them and I think the friend and her boyfriend not wanting to tell OP the door number and street name of a row of terraces where they live definitely qualifies.

hidingmynuts · 05/05/2026 07:36

There was another thread on here recently where the OP wanted to end a relationship because their partner had promised a home-cooked meal and then had served a three course meal from packets. This was perceived as relationship ending. It is a wonder that any friendships and relationships last these days when they are so fraught and uncompromising.

In my experience, anger about small stuff like this is rarely actually about the relatively minor thing that has happened. It's usually a result of resentment building up for a very, very long time and this being the final trigger. I dont know anyone who would end a marriage due to a bloody meal- do you?

Usually it's the final cherry on the shit cake of years of disrespect, broken promises and feeling ignored and disrespected. I think its quite naive to assume this is the only issue at play in such a situation

StephensLass1977 · 05/05/2026 07:46

I lived in a street as a child which had an extremely long row of houses, all under the same postcode. I would NOT have asked anyone to navigate that at 4am without a door number! How cheeky.

Yes it sounds like the boyfriend told her not to bother collecting you, and it also sounds like he doesn't want you to know his exact address (was she planning to run out and meet you outside?) And why at 4am?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I had a cousin like this, who was also my best friend. I stopped talking to her a decade ago because I'd had enough of her flakiness, changing plans last-minute, gaslighting me into believing I "must have got the time wrong" etc. These people are not worth your time.

Booboobagins · 05/05/2026 07:52

YANBU. Why 4am it's a stupid time if you're going yo a show!
Why no house number 'look for my car'?

So sorry this happened to you, you're right yo end it.

Something very weird going on here....

MrsPicklesToBe · 05/05/2026 07:58

Franpie · 04/05/2026 14:37

@Porridgepudding

I'm shocked so many of you think it's reasonable to drive in the early hours to a strangers house and then leave the car there. Driving in the dark is not an issue. We were due to set of around 6am, so we were in the city to have breakfast, do some shopping etc before the show at 2pm.

Firstly, it’s not a stranger’s house, it’s your friend’s bf’s house where she is staying. What would be wrong with meeting her there and leaving your car parked there?

But can you clear this bit up… Why did you need to be there at 4am if you weren’t setting off until 6am? Or were you planning on getting there for 6am? What on earth would be open at 6am?

Also thought this too what would you do ?! If setting off at 6am get there for 6am?

Thechaseison71 · 05/05/2026 08:39

StephensLass1977 · 05/05/2026 07:46

I lived in a street as a child which had an extremely long row of houses, all under the same postcode. I would NOT have asked anyone to navigate that at 4am without a door number! How cheeky.

Yes it sounds like the boyfriend told her not to bother collecting you, and it also sounds like he doesn't want you to know his exact address (was she planning to run out and meet you outside?) And why at 4am?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I had a cousin like this, who was also my best friend. I stopped talking to her a decade ago because I'd had enough of her flakiness, changing plans last-minute, gaslighting me into believing I "must have got the time wrong" etc. These people are not worth your time.

It wouldnt have had more than15 houses in one postcode so thats an exaggeration

DownyBirch · 05/05/2026 09:08

Do people drive to a random road leave their car there and go off for the day, because I dont know anyone irl that does that.

I'm still mystified about why this is so terrible. I mean, it's kind of what cars are for. When I'm working, again I regularly leave the car on random roads for several hours, sometimes the full day, near sites I have to visit. When we were on holiday recently, we parked our car near one venue and spent the day looking around it and travelling to another venue (via train and boat) and back. It was just parked in a "random road". When my son was seriously illl, I regularly parked in "random roads" in the vicinity of the hospital (as I couldn't get into the car park) and left the car there, sometimes for hours at a time. It's never once occurred to me that that was problematic.

DownyBirch · 05/05/2026 09:09

Thechaseison71 · 05/05/2026 08:39

It wouldnt have had more than15 houses in one postcode so thats an exaggeration

Edited
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Not true. Postcodes around us cover 30-40 houses.

AccuTrix · 05/05/2026 09:15

I would be irritated. I know people who change things to suit them and don’t care about the inconvenience. But you are being unreasonable to use the word ‘bullied’. That is not what’s happening here.

JanBlues2026 · 05/05/2026 09:23

Annoyed about last minute change of plans YANBU
reluctant to drive to an unspecified address at 4am YANBU
not wanting to leave your car YABU

ThatBlackCat · 05/05/2026 09:34

Porridgepudding · 03/05/2026 23:12

I'm chuckling at the outrage about the 4am, this did not faze me. Il explain- my friend is an early riser. She is up from 4/5am, even jogging in the summer then. She also said she wanted time to stop at services for a coffee. So I truly did not mind being up and ready for that time.
Lots of people dont understand about my reluctance to drive to bf house. I'm not sure how to be clearer. I live in town A, friend lives in town B, partner in Town C. I drive to town C, leave the car there and go off on a day trip over 100 miles away. Do people drive to a random road leave their car there and go off for the day, because I dont know anyone irl that does that. Ofcourse my friend leaves her car there, because she's in a relationship with a resident, and she is in the house, not off in another city. Although someone has also suggested maybe the play was I turn up and she says I may as well drive, which I hadn't thought of.
Some of you lovely posters have also said why I just did not go. My DH said he would come so we use the tickets booked, and change the parking for his car, but we would have needed someone to watch our children, which would have been impossible to arrange at such short notice for a bank holiday weekend.
I'm cataloguing this as a lesson learned.

Wait, I don't understand. Did you go or not?

GingerdeadMan · 05/05/2026 09:42

This is all so weird.

Do you have a super expensive car, is that why you're scared to leave it ?

Why is it more at risk outside the bf house than the friends house?

Thing over the house no sounds like a misunderstanding, surely no one would 'refuse' to tell you the house no - pick up the phone, use your words and talk to each other!

You both sound hard work and a bit bonkers.

You also seem to be ignoring the big scary elephant in the room , which for your friend is 'i might have cancer, and then I might die'. Can you not cut her some slack, under the circumstances?

It all sounds like such a non event to talk of 'ending the friendship' over.

GingerdeadMan · 05/05/2026 09:43

AccuTrix · 05/05/2026 09:15

I would be irritated. I know people who change things to suit them and don’t care about the inconvenience. But you are being unreasonable to use the word ‘bullied’. That is not what’s happening here.

So sick of everything being 'bullying' these days. It isn't.

Noononoo · 05/05/2026 09:50

It does sound weird and an hearing so late and a bit nonsensical. Perhaps she gave postcode thinking you would get uber? Perhaps her partners house is on a direct route to where you are going and your house isn’t so it wasn’t just a twenty minute journey it was indirect? Like others I don’t understand the very early start you will both be exhausted by the end of the day.
I have a feeling that her partner thought the plan was bad as to route etc and she already had a two hour drive ahead and he convinced her, he was probably right.. but to hear change of plan so late when you thought you had organised enough was very annoying. And why so bloody early? Perhaps she thought it would be easier to see her car than the number of the street? This is probably too late…

Thechaseison71 · 05/05/2026 10:10

DownyBirch · 05/05/2026 09:09

Not true. Postcodes around us cover 30-40 houses.

Show quote history

That's unusual if it's just houses. If it's flats not so much. EVv en so 30 houses ( which won't be huge detached ones) is hardly a huge long road is it. .

Girlintheframe · 05/05/2026 10:21

Whilst I can see this is annoying I truly do not understand the drama it has created. I’m not sure what you think is going to happen to your car if you leave it at the partners house. Is it an incredibly rough town or is your car incredibly expensive? I don’t understand your reasoning at all. It’s like you’ve cut your nose to spite your face over literally something and nothing.

In reality I suspect this is the straw that has broke the camels back for you which is fair enough but if there is no back story and you really want to end a friendship over this once instance then I would say you weren’t much of a friend to begin with.