AIBU to end a friendship after last-minute changes to our trip?

[Porridgepudding]

Hi mumsnet, I have a dilemma, which I think calls for me to end a long standing friendship. Looking more to rant than anything else, as it's a miserable story.
Friend is someone I know through work, but we work for different companies. We had planned and paid for a day trip. I made all the arrangements. Friend was going to drive and I pre paid for parking in the city and tickets for a show. 2 hours drive away. We were due to leave this AM. Friend gets in touch at 5pm yesterday asking me to meet her at her partners at 4am.
I spoke to them at 5.30pm and refused, as this was not our agreement, and I was not prepared to drive to a new address in the middle of the night and leave my car there. Also I said they had only sent me a postcode which was dismissed (so effectively driving to a postcode with no house number) she said to look out for her car! Bear in mind again this would have been the middle of the night.
Friend reminded me they were having tests for cancer ( one of the reasons for the trip) and I was not being understanding. Friend also said if I did not want to leave my car I could meet her in the city, again I did not see why I should do this as I'd paid for her car parking but then to take my own (for which I'd also have to sort parking) I said I was still wanting to go, was ready, and looking forward but would not be driving to the partial address given or the city. Multiple messages between us ending with friend then saying it was getting too stressful and to 'just leave it'
Spoken to my sister, who is baffled how someone can drive 2 hours to another city but not 20 minutes to pick me up. Also is stumped why I would only be sent a postcode for the partner (who I have only met once)
Further context- I had sent the parking confirmation yesterday morning and friend responded with a thumbs up emoji. No other comments or messages until 5pm.
If I had been asked at that point in the morning to drive to her home I would have or taken a train into the city, I would 100% have been flexible. However so late on the day before left me no option for public transport, paying more for my own car parking or being bullied to do what friend was asking.
My view is they have gone to see their partner who had advised her to not bother picking me up, and instruct me to come to his address.
I'm feeling really disappointed, more that friend has come across in the call and message as I am being unreasonable when all I wanted/expected was to stick to the original agreement, or at least to have had reasonable notice of a change.
Background info- I have been told at a recent conference by someone else in our field that she left her last company because of complaints of bullying towards junior staff last year. This fits for me in that I know her current job has meant a pay drop for her. I'm putting this in to give a sense of others view of her. Again never affected me but I have seen that side of her this weekend.
Curious what others would do in this situation based purely on what's happened, and written here.
Thankyou for reading.

You not wanting to leave the car there is the oddest and most unreasonable thing about this post. Yes people leave their cars. Its not a puppy or child. Get a grip.

@Porridgepudding

I'm shocked so many of you think it's reasonable to drive in the early hours to a strangers house and then leave the car there. Driving in the dark is not an issue. We were due to set of around 6am, so we were in the city to have breakfast, do some shopping etc before the show at 2pm.

Firstly, it’s not a stranger’s house, it’s your friend’s bf’s house where she is staying. What would be wrong with meeting her there and leaving your car parked there?

But can you clear this bit up… Why did you need to be there at 4am if you weren’t setting off until 6am? Or were you planning on getting there for 6am? What on earth would be open at 6am?

Also, OP, maybe you could cut your friend some slack as she has cancer? Or is this a pattern of behaviour that you have got fed up of?

I really can’t get my head round trashing a day out, expensive tickets and a friendship over a request that you do the first journey before you both set off, and needing to leave your car legally parked on a normal street.

Ah ok yeah makes sense now. You didn’t want to park your car on her boyfriend’s street. Not even remotely arsed about being asked to set off at 4am (which is crazy when you were driving 2 hours for a day out in a city tbh- most things don’t even open till at least 9am!).

What got you most of all was where she asked you to park your car for the day- on a residential street you were unfamiliar with . Does he live in Moss Side or something?

I am not sure I would want to drive to an unknown destination at 4.00 a.m., to be fair to OP.

But I would, and have, left my car at other people's houses for the day.

It's possible the friend would have suggested OP drive when OP arrived, and that would have been unfair if the arrangement was the friend would drive in return for OP paying for parking and the tickets. But we will never know if that was the intention as OP didn't go.

I think I would have compromised and agreed to go to the DP's place, but at the originally agreed time of 6.00 a.m., not 2 hours earlier as that seems a completely OTT demand by the friend, as the DP was only 20 mins from OPs place. (6.00 a.m. seems bonkers to me to be honest, but they were both happy with that).

I also can’t get my head round how the op has behaved here, if I was her friend the friendship would be over, and the op blocked.

That bit I don’t understand either. If you had to know someone who lived nearby in order to park your car you wouldn’t be able to go anywhere.
the bit I would have been annoyed at is getting up 2 hours earlier, but OP has said that doesn’t bother her so I really can’t understand the problem.

I think she’s been selfish and spoilt tbh.
If she wants to change plans at the last minute primarily to suit herself, then she should check that it is okay with you first. and you should not be out of pocket for any of her changes.

I think you’re making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill with the postcode issue. Yes she cd have followed up with the full address but it’s not that big a deal. I know it’s the middle of the night but it wd only take you a minute to phone or text if you couldn’t find his house. I think the bigger issue is her behaviour towards you in general.

It is always a good idea to get payment up front. It means less likely for friend to pull out or be flaky or change plan. She was holding all the cards here. If you're organising tickets why wasn't she booking and pre paying for parking, especially as going in her car? I wouldn't mind leaving my car in unknown road, done many times, but I wouldn't be happy going to meet at 4am without a full address. Why hold back the house number? Did you suspect she might ask you to drive? Spring an excuse at the last second and then you need to get petrol money too.

I really dislike it when people change times & places at the last minute.
It's probably just me, as I don't like surprise's either!

I am not the type of person,who would drive somewhere at 4am & leave my car?
She is being very unreasonable in my opinion.
I think you probably would end up feeling resentful, if you went along with the change of plan.

This reminds me when,
Daughter,asked me if she go to Florida with her friend,who invited her to stay with relatives.I said yes,but when? Reply was in 12 wks.I said that would give us enough time to save the money to pay for the air fare etc.

After a period of a few days,and searching for the cheapest flights.
Friend had ask my daughter,if she had the money for flights.

We had barely anytime to save for this holiday,so we thought we had 4-6 wks to save up.
I could not afford the £700.00 as we had a large mortgage then.

We replied we could pay £200.00 now.
Friends Dad, said don't worry he would pay on his credit card & pay him back in 4 weeks.

I felt so embarrassed.

Daughter was working.I asked daughter to pay the £500 back as soon as she got paid.
Which she did.
I also suggested she get a credit card, with a limit.
Which arrived in 3 days.
Daughter was only 18 at the time!

It worked out in the end, but it was frantic & stressful.

Now, if something feels off, it's a big unapologetic no!

4am is the bit thats odd to me. You will both be knackered all day!

I really don’t understand what the issue is about leaving the car at someone else’s address? Is it a very dodgy area?

I think you were daft to pay everything up front though without getting a contribution from your friend before the event.

All sounds very over the top and pathetic!

That part is so bizarre! My previous workplace didn’t offer me parking spot at the office so I had to leave my car for the day in all sorts of random places in the city I was unfamiliar with. The OP’s world seems very small if she makes big deal out of the things she listed.
I’d be annoyed with the change of plan but I wouldn’t let it ruin the day. And if the friend has a history of changing plans last minute I wouldn’t plan a day out with her again if a slight change bothered me so much.
maybe the OP drives a Ferrari 🤔 or other posh car and the boyfriend lives in a deprived area?

But only a 20 minute drive to friends house.

Why did this friend need to see her partner the day before when she had a commitment

Incredibly strange the reluctance to give a house number

If it is a 2 hour trip to the partners house Op would have to set off at 2am, get up at 1.30am to get there by 4am

Then directly after show at say 4.pm would be driven back to partners house another 2 hours to pick up her car at 6pm then arrive home at 8pm having been up for 17 hours straight and having only a couple of hours or most likely no sleep in the previous 37 hours

Even if it was possible to get a few hours sleep and get up for 1.30am and there wasn’t any few minutes extra like walking from show to car and back again and not stopping for food would anyone like to drive having had no sleep for 37 hours

Its ridiculous

But were any of those parking spaces a 2 hour drive from when you worked?

I don’t get why friend didn’t give the address.

I can only suspect that friends partner doesn’t actually live at that postcode but will get up and drive friend there when Porridgepudding calls to say she has arrived she had arrived.

I can also see friends phone being on silent and not being answered and Porridgepudding phoning and phoning for hours until they leisurely wake up hours later

I don't get the issue with parking a car on a street in another town! Surely parking your car on a residential street in your own Street, town A, town B or town C is exactly the same?? Unless town C is unusually rough??

It's odd that your friend was offering to drive 2 hrs but you couldn't be bothered to drive 20 mins? And willing to ruin friendship for it?

Oh I missed that it is a 2 hour drive to the friend’s partner’s house. That does change things and makes it a bit of an annoying ask

What difference would that make

No, They were 20min from where I worked and 1h from my home. I was leaving the car for 8h every day in a different spot. It’s irrelevant really. Being outraged by the suggestion of leaving a car for a day in a new place is weird. So many times I had my car bumped on my regular supermarket car park or mirror knocked down on the street in my home town. These things happen no matter where you park.

You didn’t miss it, nowhere does the OP say the partners house was 2 hours away.

In her (very garbled) posts she refers to her friend’s house being 20 mins away ( as pointed out by her sister) and the destination city being 2 hours away.

OP didn’t say her friend’s house was 20 min away, she said:
“Spoken to my sister, who is baffled how someone can drive 2 hours to another city but not 20 minutes to pick me up.”

As OP’s friend was at her partner’s house at the time of the above conversation and thus would need to drive from there to collect OP, it seems that it’s the partner who lives 20 min from OP.

I would probably have been rather annoyed at the late change of plan but would definitely not have ended the friendship over something like this.
As far as leaving the car in a random street - yes, I do it all the time. Have left it in a random street and flown off on holiday several times and it’s been absolutely fine. I think you’re both as bad as each other though as neither of you would back down. Now you’ve missed out on a nice day out and lost a lot of money. She’s also got cancer so her emotions are likely to be heightened currently so essentially I say yabu