to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

I don’t like getting rid of stuff and am quite sentimental about it, though I do make myself do it when needed (eg clearing things out of the loft before we had a loft conversion). But I wouldn’t mind if someone else threw it away after I was gone. It’s sentimental to me, I like the comfort of having it there myself even if I am not using it all the time.

Understand that they may feel just as uncomfortable throwing things away as you would feel if you were asked to live in a cluttered house full of your lifetime of things. As long as they aren’t demanding that you take it all home with you and cherish it, or sell every piece individually and send the proceeds to a specific place, it’s not any more selfish than you choosing to live how you prefer.

Just go with what they prefer. They say they are fine for you to chuck things after they die. Even though they’re sentimental about keeping stuff it doesn’t mean they’d think badly of you for chucking it. Seems like a perfectly sensible approach for them and since you will put it mostly in a skip, or house clearance or something, just plan that this is how you’ll deal with it when the time comes.

Put your energy into persuading them to sort paperwork though, rather than old dead relatives clothes. That might actually need their input, whereas other things likely won’t.

Yes, I know someone where it took about 3 years to clear the house!! They obviously just did it slowly by choice whilst other things went through for the will and there were other complications which meant they couldn't sell the house at first, but still each room took about 4 months to sort through!!

When my dad moved into a nursing home, I had 12 big plastic crates of paperwork to go through, including dental reminders, all his credit card slips (remember the sliding gadgets), plus payslips from 50 years of work. When he died, 6 years later, he had acquired a big 4 drawer filing cabinet, full of paperwork, so I had to go through that as well. My sons will not have that to deal with.

Set of 6 of those goes for about £100 online.

Never mind the value of some of the ugly vases and naff pottery. YMMV, but the sound of a grand smashing on the bottom of a skip isn't joyful to some.

My parents were like this @wirey and when DM died unexpectedly and DF went into a care home because she’d been his carer the added work and grief of clearing a 5 bedroom apartment house filled to the rafters with stuff was totally overwhelming.

I got two skips, spent a fortnight sorting a) sentimental stuff b) tat (empty prescription bottles from the 80s anyone?!) c) everything else. At the end of the fortnight, I got house clearance in, anything auctionable was sold and the rest got chucked.

it has genuinely changed my view about possessions and what we leave for the kids and how. I’m absolutely determined that they won’t have to go through I did. It was traumatic!

Not unreasonable at all.

My lovely dad, was brought up in the 30s and was very poor, as a consequence he never parted with anything. When he passed away mum did an enormous declutter of his "treasures" and also stuff he wouldn't let her part with (dementia).

I already do all her finances and hold a small amount of her paperwork, policies, certificates, etc here. She will be easy when the time comes.

That does sound extremely cruel.

After dad died in 2001 mum went on a spending spree but never stopped.
She died in 2024. Me and my brothers tried to get her to understand that what she liked was not the same for us.
A couple of days after she died we started to sort out her bedroom. 67 jumpers and between them we found bits of money from then on we had to check everything it became a mammoth job. You name a cupboard or room, bag or box and she had hidden money everywhere even the shed and garage.
What should have taken a couple of weeks turned into 4 months.

i hear you OP - parents in a 4-5 bed house, plus double garage (hasn’t had a car in it for decades) and out buildings. All crammed with stuff. My sister and I have painstakingly removed all our own things so it really is all theirs now. DH and I live in a 2 bed flat, with kids, so we are really minimalist and I am completely unsentimental about things / stuff / material goods.

I’ve stopped talking to them about it tbh. My mum gets very defensive and accuses me of being cold / too pragmatic. I’ve kind of switched off on this subject. They are trying to declutter a bit for their own benefit but they are still keeping 99% of it, it’s just stored differently.

My sister and I have said between us that we will just get a skip when the time comes, and it’s really not worth falling out over.

My in laws was an absolute nightmare, valuable stuff mixed with every broken, kettle toaster etc.
Dmum when she moved into care, I took a few sentimental bits and called a household clearance place.
I literally have a few clothes, some pictures and some sentimental stuff which fits in one drawer.
Dh had loads of stuff and hobbies but has clear instructions that the while lot goes to auction and proceeds divided between the kids as none of them share those hobbies.

Having read a previous MN thread on this I changed my will. Now nothing in the house is left to family and there is money set aside for a house clearance company to come in and get rid of everything. Family can have the other assets.

That’s what I would say and it’s what I would do.

My in-laws have decluttered everything as they didn’t want the family to deal with a cleaning & clearing out trauma when they die. It’s a running joke with them that we don’t need their junk and that times and fashions have moved on.

My mother on the other hand is the oppposite. She is convinced that the mass produced stuff from the 70s is worth money - totally deluded. It’s akin to people referring to stuff as vintage in charity shops and on eBay/vinted and then wondering why it’s doesn’t sell. My sister has already told her that most of it is going in the skip. The cellar is rammed with junk

I am not looking to force them.

My parents keep having a declutter but half the stuff is what I left behind, so I get bags of stuff handed to me when I go there, lol
i know in the long run I’ll be grateful for it as the work will be been done over time but gawd, it’s a pain right now!! 🤣🤣

For some people, their home, especially if they have lived there a long time has the fabric of their life seeped into the walls. Every photo, book, bit of furniture. All random hobbies, pastimes will be present.
Having those things around them will be a comfort in many ways. A realisation they have not yet moved into the sterile basic room that awaits in the future in a care home.
And for many older people they went without. And buying things was a novelty. A symbol of how well they had done. They did not come from a massively consumer society that threw things away as much as people do today.

I would leave them be. So long as it is not dangerous or dirty. Leave them to their belongings, their identity, their memories around them.

MIL, same age, has kept a lofetime of shit down to her chikdren's primary school exercise books and every broken kettle, etc, she has ever possessed. It will go syraight on a skip.

I know opinions differ wildly on this, but I wouldn't remotely classify a small box of exercise books historically documenting an important stage of my child's early development in the same category of broken old appliances.

Supposing they were early school books belonging to a much-loved celebrity: they'd sell at auction for a fortune, to somebody who wasn't related to and probably never even met them; whereas I can't imagine many people giving you anything for a trashed toaster that John Lennon had in his first house!

I have this with my parents. I’ve told them I’m going to have to actually move in when they are done to sort it out. I’ve now started sorting out my house to be more minimal even though we hopefully have many many years left as I don’t want the teenager to be dealing with all our stuff.

"You will be forced to go through everything single item because you’ll have no idea where very important items could be stored/hidden. "

What very important item?
I would just find as many photo albums as I could and let the clearers take the rest.

Just be blunt with them and tell them 99% of that crap will be going in a skip!

I think what people really struggle with is thinking they may have missed something valuable. There's no need to go through everything with a fine tooth comb, it's the fear of missing out on something valuable that makes people do it.

When people go to a home they are usually not capable of doing it themselves so it would fall to OP anyway.

MIL died a few years back. She left a 4 bed house that was absolutely rammed with stuff - some rooms you couldn't get into as they were so bad.

Additionally she left a 'sitting tenant' in the form of BIL, who had never left home. His presence made things much more complicated.

We still have a number of boxes to go through as BIL found it too hard to do and left it all to us. They are currently in our garage.

Anyhow, over the years we have filled 15 of the mega sized Hippo bags. There were 150 bin liners worth of clothes that went to various charities. 3 charity furniture collections. And several runs to the tip. We rented a storage container in the end because we weren't able to clear it in time for the sale.

So, no, YANBU.

I am dreading tackling my parents house when the time comes. It is a hoarders paradise and my sister also still lives at home....

Have people never heard of house clearance companies? Let them do what they like and pay someone else to sort it. You don’t need to do it yourself. As for getting rid of 75% of your belongings, you do you but it’s totally unnecessary.

When my dad died I picked out anything I wanted to keep them hired a house clearance service to take the rest. It doesn't have to be difficult.