to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

I would get a clear understanding from them if they genuinely do intend just to leave it all for you to deal with. If you get an admission of that from them, I'd tell them you'd rather get started sooner rather than later so you're not doing it when grieving or with one bereft parent still on the scene so you're going to start now and make plans to hire a skip on their dollar and just get going with it. They'll have no choice but to weigh in and be involved and at least, at others say, you might get some stories or meaning behind some of the stuff and a nod towards more valuable things. I'd start doing things like leaving huge storage bags and saying once a month you'll take a filled one to charity for them. Anything to get the process started. I had relatives who spent weeks clearing a house, it was so emotional and taxing on them I wouldn't want to have to do it

Are you inheriting their 5 bed home? If so surely you could sort their stuff in return and for now just pretend to have some interest in things that mean something to them.

I am just relieved that I started decluttering and now longer buy stuff just in case. I want to make it as easy as possible for my three which is what my in-laws have done.

Cleared out a load of old clothes that have not been worn in years - nothing is designer. How many pairs of socks/leggings/shirts does a person really need? I now operate a strict one in one/two out policy.

Consumerism has gone mad with decorations for every event / occasion / time of year. Instead of reusing stuff purchased in previous years people buy new stuff every year. My mother has a cupboard just full of packets of paper napkins she has purchased from garden centres every time she goes because they are pretty- but never used 🙄

My summer project is the loft.

@Gwenhwyfar my brother died age 20, back in the 1980s, when people didn’t photograph every second of their lives on a phone. If there are any photos of him, forgive me for thinking I’d quite like them. And the fact that I won’t have seen said photo for 40 years doesn’t change the fact that I’d want it. I hope you can understand that. That’s what people mean by sentimental value.

What if they go into a home? There'll be no house for OP to inherit, but she still has to pay the thousands for the clearing company?

I did think about that.

DM has her DM's clothes - she never looks at them. They are starting to disintegrate. How are these disintegrated clothes she never looks at her identity which holds memories?

To you. Everyone is different.

I was talking in general and OP’s parents should be saving and making sure house clearance is covered with their funerals.

It still a massive task regardless to leave someone and OP doesn’t say if she is inheriting anything.

Many people do not get a big enough inheritance to cover everything and we don’t know what OP is likely to inherit. Besides, if she does inherit their home, she still has to have it cleared whether she wants to live there or sell it and then there’s the cost and time for that while grieving.

I do.

A box of old VHS tapes they never want to watch again, or would even be able to, is none of these things. Nor is a binbag full of receipts from 1980 and instruction manuals for things that they don't have any more.

I don't think it helps anyone to pretend that people only don't throw things away if the things have some value. It's often because they can't be arsed. (Or it is in the case of my family!)

Ynbu but my mum is the same.

I agree OP. And if you look at the thread on here at the moment about people finding awful things in their dead parents’ stuff, that’s all the more reason people should get on top of it.

My parents house was so full and it was such a massive job to do it. And we found awful things so I’m also on that other thread 😂

Yes clearly everyone is different. She can keep her DM's disintegrated clothes. I have suggested some things are cleared. They said no. So nothing will be cleared until the time comes.

8 12 ton skips sorting my dad's house. Lots of biscuit tins and bits of old wood. Absolute nightmare. I did not let my husband come and help until about skip 6 as he would have wanted to drag a lot of it home.

Also broken appliances. Apparently these are part of their identity and memories 🙄

Ah yes, we had to do this after my Mum died, and my Dad wanted to move to a retirement village. By then Dad was late 70's and morbidly obese, so the task fell to me and my sibling. The house was bought in 1979, and lots of things had been saved "just in case" in the loft and garage. It was mid summer, boiling hot and it took us days to clear everything. On top of that, being in my 50's, I was having hot flashes! It's a mammoth task. I don't think it's as easy as saying just get a house clearance company, because you have to go through things first to take anything of value, be it monetary or sentimental.

I must admit, that after that, I had a bit of a clear out at our own house. Our loft and garage are almost empty.

I was quite relieved when FIL moved in with his new Partner - his house was ginormous, with about 6 bedrooms, a huge garage, an annex stuffed with things - he had to clear it all to sell up and I was so glad (I honestly thought we would have to do it).

Not sure what the answer is Op, but you are right to feel the way you do!!

I wouldn’t say inconsiderate- I’d say not healthy, but op, people die 40’s, 50’s, 60’s- when do you want them to start making preparations for having someone clean the stuff they like using, flicking through, need to use, find relaxing etc. My mum’s house already has very few memories in it because she had the same thought process as you, she has gotten rid of clothes, books, magazines and comics I had in a box in the attic for the future (and yes I was living at home at the time, it was just after college), cards, pictures, projects, paintings, dumped anything we didn’t save immediately (‘can you take your college books out this weekend?’ Literally before I graduated) Her house is too cold now as she’s gotten too used to dumping so presents are regifted if not used, homemade things the kids make disappear within weeks. This is more a caveat to the other end of the scale your parents are at.

So why are you stressing about something that you can’t change?

I didn't find anything awful, but I found my parents' wedding certificate and discovered that my mum was 5 months pregnant with me when they got married. I had always believed that they had got married the year before I was born, then I realised why they hadn't made a "thing" about their "silver" wedding anniversary or their "30th" wedding anniversary. They never corrected me when we celebrated these anniversaries.

Ah that may have been junk to you, but clearly treasured possessions with lots of sentimental value to an elderly person that they actively choose to keep...

If it was me then if it came up again id say i won't be sorting it, I'll hire a house clearance company to go through it all.

The lack of understanding by some people on here blows my mind. Saying things like “just get a house clearance company in. If you didn’t know something existed, you can’t be sad if it ends up in a skip”.

My Mum’s house is full of junk. Loads of it. But in amongst that junk will be photos and letters from people I loved who have died. Probably some of my brother’s poems. Photos of family. I know there are things there that are of material and sentimental value. If I got a bunch of blokes to come and collect it all to take to landfill, I’d feel utterly miserable.

Why is that so hard for people to understand?

Just to add, when we did it, we hired a huge skip, and every day we made sure to stop around 6pm, order a lovely take out and chill. I think it took us about 3 days. It's not great, but you'll get through it faster than you think Op. We had 3 piles : Keep, Charity, Skip.

It's profoundly selfish of them. Telling your parents it will all go in a skip, still implies you will sort through it all. I would just stress the need to be clear where personal/valuable items are because you will be having a clearance company to remove everything else. It's awful that having done it for their own parents, they would want to inflict the same misery on you.

This is certainly true.

I loathe those soup bowl things but I know that they’re very collectible and some people love them.