to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

That is a brilliant name for a clearance company! Why do I know the Dutch for vulture, I wonder ....

So you have done it for yourself, to reflect your taste, not for your children.

It works for my DC as well. The older I get I will get rid of more and more to make it easier for DC.

It may not make it easier for them; you are presuming.

It's a fair and reasonable assumption that having less stuff means that less effort is required to sort, organise and remove it all, but fine to disagree and probably not really worth picking over.

How is it going with your parents, OP?

How would clearing lots of stuff not make it easier for them?

Just the same really. I am not going to mention it again for a quite a while. They are getting more and more impatient that they cannot find things. I have started to say it is too hard when they ask me.

Clearing, dealing with a person's personal possessions, can sometimes help to process grief.

How can that be predicted in advance? Should I leave loads of crap for my DC in case it helps them?

Of course not. It can't be predicted; that's my point.

Having done it twice for elderly parents. Charity shops don’t want their stuff, they have no use for broken kettles, a vacum that needs to be used in a certain way before it’s safe to use etc.

My late Mum had an ironing board that didn’t stay up 100% of the time and the iron smelt very odd yet she wanted to keep them just in case.

There really is no excuse for it.

So what is the point in saying it might help their grief?

Because it may, or may not; I was simply pointing out an alternative view or opinion, which I believe is somewhat the point of a forum!

It’s really unfair to leave their mess and chaos to others. Things they haven’t touched for years.

I am very good at getting skip after skip or employing someone who will take it all away. But others are less ruthless and will keep it hoping that one day they will go through it.

I think this is the trap some people fall into. My DM was or is still planning to go through her DMs stuff but it is one day that never seems to happen. It has been decades now!

Yeah, my dad has loads of tat. I've told him I'll skip it all and that's that.

I mean, you can't make people live completely differently can you? It's his tat. He likes it and he's living with it. I won't be living with it, christ, but I also won't be borrowing trouble and upsetting him now by arguing about it. It's pointless. I'll just email a house clearance company when he's dead. And I'll be really sad but I will be anyway. I was a disaster when my mum died!

There's really a limit to how much you can ask from other people. The only solution is to make sure your own boundaries are firm enough and not feel forced into doing things that upset you. But that doesn't translate into pushing that upset onto other people. It's a doomed endeavour, that.

I can’t process the fact my dad died because he didn’t leave me a house full of sh*t to deal with - said no person ever.

Please don't misquote me or twist my words. I sad it MAY help process grief; not that it was a requirement.

Emptying a house stuffed to the rafters does not mean you process grief better than emptying a house that is not stuffed to the rafters.

Never ever does an over stuffed house help. There is no ‘may help’ to be had.

Very clearly thought out and expressed; I'm sure you're right.

I suppose to some extent it depends how you define clutter. Broken kettles, half rolls of wallpaper, threadbare duvet covers, the old toilet seat that was changed 20 years ago, back numbers of "woman's weekly" are clutter, none of which exist in my house, I do have lots of books, records, cd's, photos, a collection of ceramics, another of antique cameras as well as a loads of kitchen stuff, some people might consider it to be clutter but it's things that bring me pleasure and I'm not getting rid of them for anybody. If my relatives bring in a clearance company, I won't care because I'll be gone.

Internet cookies have found me and Instagram has been showing me lots of suggested reels of people clearing houses after a death.

There are the careful sifters, trying to understand the hoarding, find things and carefully sort.

The people who can barely set foot in the place.

Those who are slinging everything in a big skip and finding issue after issue.

It’s not helping anyone’s grief or processing and looks incredibly traumatic. Perhaps this is purely the algorithm targeting me.

YANBU. We’re in a similar situation with my PIL. They are in good health, active, always busy going here & there. They’re just not interested one bit in sorting out their hoards of stuff. We’re just resigned to the fact that we’ll have to deal with it all when they’ve died (‘deal with it all’ meaning chuck the vast majority of it in a skip)

It’s the hoarders of huge amounts of stuff especially if in no kind of order that are the issue, which we have with MIL. Our paperwork is kept in a big filing cabinet in seperate folders. Very easy to just chuck or keep. MIL paperwork including legal paperwork is scattered throughout random stuff in what amounts to hundreds of boxes. It’s a jumbled mess.

I have told DH to give up attempting to assist with going through stuff. He spent 2 months at her house when she was ill last year and cleared one of her sheds. It had leaking chemicals and cleaning products because she bulk bought and it deteriorated. So it was a genuine health hazard, When he went back she had filled the shed up again.

Have been following with interest due to my own existential hell of dead people's stuff coupled with innate procrastination. Can see all sides, and cannot pass judgement at all - it is what it is - thanks capitalism / consumerism.

But if anyone wants a bit of "light relief" may I recommend a Facebook page run by an American called Nick Fox? It was recommended to me by a similarly tortured friend. Sometimes dark humour is the only thing that keeps me out of a padded cell, and it is an understanding and supportive community that seems to understand that for some if us, it's really not a simple thing.....