to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

I am not sentimental about my own stuff but I know I will be emotional when I am grieving and clearing my parents things.

I am 71 a d live alone with my dog and a lot of 'clutter'. I am not preparing to die. I have told my sons to look after my dog if I go first, and make sure my dolls house collection goes to good homes. Anything else, I don't care what they do with it after I am gone.

There's a compromise

I understand why they don't want to do it

Given that a skip, etc will be expensive - could they give you a grand or so now towards the cost?

I have the opposite with mum - she actually did want to ditch some stuff, but it turns out she was looking to ditch things that I would actually keep! So I told her not to do anything but there are honestly drawers of stuff that she wants to keep, that I will just shove in a skip

we first had this conversation when she was about 84 I think. 70s is way too young

I had to explain to her several times that furniture and so on is terribly made now, so she might think her old style music cabinet is no big deal and she's not using it, but I would probably spray paint it and use it for the rest of my life!

anyway - I have known people who had to go through tons of junk and it's a dreadful task so if it can all be binned then maybe ask them for the money to pay for that? It sounds cheeky but house clearance is very expensive.

editing to add - she thought she was doing me a favour getting rid of furniture, it genuinely hasn't occurred to her that I would want it. Yes, it's old, but honestly, it's in better shape than some of the stuff you can buy now.

I do think you should drop it though. Sit for a whole minute and imagine someone basically telling you you're in your 70s now and should be thinking about the fact you should be thinking about dying soon and having a massive clear our to be more considerate to someone else.

It's a bit rude isn't it.

I'm in the process of really clearing out right now. I think it's thoughtless at best to leave a stuffed home for your kids to deal with. I am storing some things for my oldest and I have room to do that because I'm clearing out.

Not unreasonable at all, but it is their choice.

I had to come to terms with getting house clearance in, my DH is the same. People have way more disposable income and therefore more stuff than they did in the previous generation, but the same mentality of not letting go. It is a real issue for many adult children and why house clearance companies are booming.

I think all you can do is sit down and say they either sort it themselves or it will be done by professionals. It isn't emotional blackmail, it is the reality for many of us "inheriting" houses full of stuff.

Just get someone in to clear it all when the time comes.

Chances are one will pass before the other most likely the husband and the wife may start sorting some things at the point, or if she chooses to move, or when she is in a home.

My relative downsized alot in later years and is in her mid 90s so they might not be in that mind set yet think it's part of knowing your at the end

Yes same here. Unfortunately I have a DH who has had to be dragged kicking and screaming into sorting out his piles of stuff including paper work going back to the seventies. He then finally realised what a relief it was to be free of it all. However @wirey even though I agree with you there is nothing you can do to make your parents agree. I speak as a veteran of several very traumatic house clearances of elderly relatives hoards.

You say that it will be hard for you because you will be grieving but you are asking them to grieve for their own lives. To confront their death and get ready for it. It's understandable that they are reluctant to do this.
Even so, I do think it's selfish to not do it and to leave it to someone else.
I also don't think you are being unreasonable wanting them to do it but they sound like they are effected by hoarding disorder which is pretty much impossible for others to help with.
As pp have said, just get a house clearance firm when they go.
That's what we are planning to do.

But when they die it will become your stuff.

You do know that the amount of grief you will feel when they die isn’t linked to the amount of stuff they leave? It does sound like you are coming to terms with the fact that they are going to die sooner rather than later and don’t want to have to go through inevitable grief.

I totally agree with you OP. I dread having to deal with it. I know my brother won’t help or even care. My friends are having to deal with both sets of parents’ belongings all crammed into their loft and garage and they haven’t the energy any more.

I am not telling them every 5 minutes. I mention it occasionally. My DM also moaned and complained a lot about having to clear her own DM's flat.

My sister and I cleared my mum's house after her death. Initially my sister was horrified when I started throwing ugly vases and naff pottery in the skip but got with the program pretty quickly when she realized how satisfying it was to hear the crash-smash-tinkle of decorative soup mugs (complete with recipe on the front) being forcefully tossed into the skip.

Sorry mum but that stuff was UGLY, useless and collecting that horrible greasy dust everything on top of kitchen cabinets gathers.

This sounds like my mum who decided to have a good clear out after my dad died. She still had her mother's clothes from when she died 24 years previously.

My mum realised that my sister and I would have loads to deal with and got rid of loads of stuff.

She still left loads though.

IMO anyone who thinks YABU has never had to clear up a house after someone with hoarding tendencies.

I’ve just been through this and it is awful and traumatic. People who say - ‘just get a house clearance company in’ don’t realise that even when you do this it’s still exhausting and takes months of time. You have to prepare for the house clearance. You will be forced to go through everything single item because you’ll have no idea where very important items could be stored/hidden. So even though 95% might get taken away by house clearance, you’ll still have to sit there for months on end going throw boxes, cupboards, attics, drawers.

I had to crawl through the attic sobbing and crying to retrieve box after box of shit and junk. I had no life for a long time, and that was off the back of being a sole carer for a decade. It was typical of my Mum’s general attitude to life which is ‘can’t be arsed thinking about you’ and would always take the route that was the least effort for herself.

When I mentioned one day at the care home that I couldn’t visit that day as I had her attic to empty she laughed and said “Ha ha good look with that, it’s absolutely full of stuff”

😞 It’s hideously selfish.

A pp has already mentioned Swedish death cleaning - the tradition of sorting out your accumulated stuff in the years ahead of death so your family doesn’t have to do a massive sort out task while grieving. A very kind and thoughtful tradition IMO.

Ideally it also extends to administrative stuff (simplifying finances, keeping good records, sorting wills and LPAs etc).

I’m mid fifties, no children, yet I think of what I’d be leaving behind for someone else to deal with. God knows who that would be though, if my husband pre-deceases me. When my dad goes, I’d have a two bed house to clear. It may be only two bedroomed but as it’s a council house, I’d have to get a move on.

I never thought the amount of grief was linked to the amount of stuff.

I saw the huge different for my DH for his parents. They were separated. His DM was very organised and had cleared most of her things. DH found the whole process a lot easier. His DF left a huge mess behind and DH struggled so much on top of the grief he was experiencing.

Of course people are free to leave everything in a mess for others to sort.

You can’t force them to have a clear out if they don’t want to.
Ask them what they would like to happen to all their belongings when the time comes. If they’re non commital then you can get a house clearance to deal with it.
But I think it’s fair that they agree to putting all the important paperwork in order, up to date and in one place.

Mine are the same. Years and years worth of stuff.
Just stacked in the loft which they haven’t able to access for years, stuffed in cupboards, piled up in the garage. On shelving units, window sills, in wardrobes etc.
Half of it broken or unusable “someone might fix that” “that was yours when you were little” “that’s a decent bike” (maybe it was 40 years ago?!)
They don’t look at any of it, it’s not all sentimental. It makes cleaning the house properly more difficult than it needs to be.
The thought of having to deal with it all, the expense, the spiders, the time and energy seriously stresses me out. The lot will go, even things that are sentimental to them, they are not sentimental to me or my brothers.
and the thought of having to find things like photos etc amongst it that we should keep is completely overwhelming. There is no sense of order to anything so it will be a huge job.

Exactly this. YABVU

My paternal grandparents were like this - my poor parents and uncle had 40 years worth of stuff and clutter to sort before they could sell the house, it took a whole year to sort out and get the house sold

My dad is a hoarder. I dread dread dread going over his stuff - along with the inevitable bunfight that may siblings will cause - one in particular. Not relishing it at all. And I’m so close to my dad, so I know his “stuff” has meaning for him. I can’t even bring myself to have the conversation - my cold hearted sister on the other hand will no doubt swoop in like a circling vulture when death has occurred

The phrase no shit Sherlock comes to mind