to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Pretty sure people have, likely many can’t afford it.

Because the OP has stated she is not sentimental so wouldn’t want old family photos.

This is what house clearance companies are for. They'll clear the lot and charge you/pay you depending on how much they will spend /earn disposing of it.
It will all end up at a carboot sale on the back of a Luton, and someone like me will buy it and sell it on eBay (you did say you weren't sentimental!)

But in the time it takes to set them aside, wash them take photos, put them on a website, wrap them, send them, I can make far more than £100 in my actual job.

You're talking about things of potential sentimental value @BerryTwister
Don't give them the opportunity to become of sentimental value.
As for the things of monetary value - that's up to the individuals to decide if it's worth it or not.

If you inherit the house and the whole estate, take the money from that. Or begin saving now.

They are alive until the day they die.

When they do. Go in and keep anything you want and ask a house clearance company to do the rest. That’s what we did. No drama. Paid out of the estate.

That said I live a much more minimal life and regularly sort things out.

It is a shame to throw away stuff that people could use but for the child of the parent who has died it can be completely overwhelming to try and offload a whole lifetime's worth of belongings. I can totally understand that it is just easier to chuck stuff rather than find a new home for it. There can also be time constraints if the house is rented. It's a really tricky time and I would never judge anyone for just trying to get stuff done when they are grieving.

”I’ve suggested she get someone in who owns an eBay shop to sell things for her”

Your poor daughter. Like the pressure isn’t enough. This is so selfish.

I'm sure many people don't think about it but it seems odd that they specifically would say they expect you to do that. You're within your rights to say you'd rather they had a clean out in life and you'll help them but you also can't make them.

I agree that it's selfish.I'm in my mid-sixties and have been slowly de-cluttering and refusing to add more stuff for the last six or seven years. You have to start much earlier than you think. Actually, what's probably best is not to accumulate all this stuff in the first place.

Today DH, BIL and I had a massive row. MIL died 4 months ago. BIL, single and no family, basically living in the house. Nothing has been done. 4 bed, late FIL was a hoarder. Huge strain on our relationship. Huge strain on our children. Massive burden.

baseline is you do you.

Having recently dealt with house clearing after bereavement, I understand your concern OP. However, you are basically asking them to change the way they live, which I don't think is fair. Also, your anticipatory anxiety about the gloom of one day having a lot to clear things out doesn't trump their own reluctance to have a clear-out on the basis that "we'll be dead one day." That's not a very fun task, either!

@wirey

actually there’s an even worse scenario that recently presented itself to me… my mum - who is quite sensible really - has started dropping hints about them moving house before they get much older as they are late 70s and very rural. She’s just testing the waters atm to see how people react (their home is our old family home), so it wasn’t until we’d left that I realised what she’d been hinting at.

then it hit me: we’d have to help them clear / declutter and pack up and they would still be there!!!😱 just getting a skip in would not be an option. We’d be negotiating over every single thing. A ‘good home’ would have to be found for every broken / ancient but fixable appliance.

they have a caravan to get rid of. It’s really old, dated etc and unlikely to sell for much. But they want to essentially interview likely buyers, as they want it to go to a ‘deserving’ home, a family who will appreciate it like we did 40+ years ago. 🙄

I wouldn’t. I’d have that box in the skip without a second thought! If you can’t name the sentimental object or photo you want to keep without looking then it’s not really sentimental it’s just serving hand hoarding! Bit different with financial paper work, admittedly.

Theres a de-cluttering method where you put stuff in a box, and if a year later you’ve not needed it, or can even remember what’s in the box, then chuck it without even opening it! Should apply double with someone else’s boxes!

I've gradually been putting by stickers on the bottom of valuables with an indication of value

But in 25 years (the amount of time you hope to be around for) the value could change hugely @Growlybear83 Poor daughter will then feel guilty about letting them go cheaply or will hold onto them in the hope of the value rising again. Seems a very flawed strategy to me.

My Dad was an absolute nightmare and kept absolutely everything. He lived in a big house and every room was just full to the brim.
When he became unwell he lived downstairs and the upstairs of his house was still rammed.
Me and my sister tag teamed a bit and we cleared it all while he was still alive and gave most of it to charity if we could but we chucked out loads of junk he’d kept.
We also worked our way thru the kitchen cupboards and took bits we wanted but got rid of a lot of stuff so when the time came it was started but even then it was still a big job.

It’s very overwhelming too especially when people are grieving. I try not to amass too much stuff these days and have a regular clear out.

@Growlybear83 Can I ask how much you’d enjoy finding a box of old used toothbrushes from the past 20 years? Would you put a label on that to say where it should go?

I think you’re talking about houses that are full of antique furniture and ornaments. I’m talking about letters/photos mixed in with bills and newspapers from the 1980s. About suitcases full of shoes that have literally degraded to powder over decades. Hundreds of empty jam jars. Mountains of clothes in piles on the floor. Every single cardboard box that ever came into the house. And in amongst all this crap, are precious things with sentimental value. But you have to sort through the crap, slowly and carefully, to find the gems.

What I would like is for my Mum to throw away newspapers, bills, old dish sponges, broken crockery, empty jars etc. They don’t enhance her life - in fact the chaos upsets her.

Yes it’ll be a pain, clearing it. But it is their life. They’re not living it to convenience you.

For some people what you might call clutter is their memories and their identity. Have a think about that.

Mid 60’s here and trying to declutter. We still have to do the loft which is crammed with stuff. We helped my mum get rid of loads of stuff to enable her to downsize to a small apartment. Shortly after she moved a huge fire destroyed practically everything. A lot was replaced by insurance. However I’ve noticed she’s now buying more “stuff”! I do wonder if it’s because she had years of little money and now is financially better off and buys it because she can. She’s in her 90’s but I would never say anything as she’s happy.

We’ve just spent the better part of 6 months every weekend sorting out a house like that, and then still having to call in a house clearance company. You are not being unreasonable in the least!

People have heard of them. Have you read the people on this thread who used them and still found it a difficult experience? Everything still needs to be gone through.

Absolutely. Tell them if there are special items, Photos, documents etc that they think should be kept by the family they need to identify those now so that you know where they are - otherwise everything will just be removed by a company.

If you don’t want to deal with it, get a house clearence in and they’ll pay you.

i found a full size kitchen sink in the attic and 2 chests of draws 😂