to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

We don’t have a lot of clutter as such, but naturally there will be a lot to deal with. Dds have been told that once they’ve taken anything they might want, and have arranged for anything valuable (I have made a list) to be sold/auctioned, they should just get a house clearance firm in for the rest.

There should certainly be enough money to pay for it.

I have helped to clear DM’s house, and the flat of a relative of dh. It’s both a lot of work and a major PITA - and can be very emotional, if it was someone close. So I certainly don’t want dds to have to do it.

I think a dictionary would be a good idea. That might help you understand what the word generalisation means.
You made an incorrect assertion re canyon's post but are clearly not big enough to admit it.
True, I was splitting hairs at one point. As were you.

@BrownBookshelf Just a quickie, and thankfully we are nearly at 40 pages on this thread, why aren't you picking up on the numerous people - and I mean each and every one of them - who have suggested getting a house clearance company in? Surely their suggestion, or advice as you will call it, is equally as unhelpful as my advice suggestion.

Alas for you, I was completely correct about Canyon. If you want to try and make it about that, you'll have to get better at nitpicking! I posted that she'd used Freecycle, which she has. The reason I said that was that to me it was bleeding obvious. I didn't say she'd posted to confirm she had, as it's true that came later. You seem to think you're refuting something I said by saying she didn't specifically say she'd used it at that point, but I hadn't said she had. Nothing I wrote is inconsistent with me surmising. Correctly. This is as distinct to the incorrect assumption you made about me not having exprience of giving things away.

But you should probably find a dictionary definition that backs up your view that a generalisation can't be an opinion first. Go on, I could do with a laugh, and the attempt to tell me who else I should be replying to whilst apparently missing engagement with another poster on the issue only made me snort.

I am elderly and I’m pruning paper work in a stuffed filing cabinet. I’ve had a shredder company in but it’s hobby stuff that is difficult. I know I’ll never wear my walking boots on even a short hike again and I have a room full of sewing and books on sewing and materials galore. I add something to A bag in a spare room every day and take the bag to the charity shop each month. Could the op be a little sneaky and bring a big bag with a pack of biscuits , offer to make a cup of tea and sneak a burnt out toaster in her bag and some out of date stuff to take away. I have done it in my DM home .So sorry for you OP.

I think this pathetic spat has gone on long enough. Far too long in fact.
Let's put a stop to it.
I wish you all the best, I really do, especially on you English language and comprehension course.

PS I see you have ignored the post from the person whose post gave rise to my post that you took exception too. Sneered at even. That poster now has a plan for her DH's items. Whether that has anything to do with my post I don't know but the fact that you have ignored it is - to borrow a word from you - telling.

@BrownBookshelf And just to put the record straight, this is what you wrote about canyon:
"It's interesting that you didn't reply to the person who has used Freecycle and who doesn't think it would be a particularly comforting experience when just bereaved. Telling."

I had no reason to reply to canyon. She suggested that using Freecycle - just one of my ideas - would not be a good idea.
She wrote: "I don't think dealing with the fuckwits on freecycle would bring me much comfort!"
One might surmise from canyon's post that she had used Freecycle. That was not the issue. The issue is that you were suggesting that there was a reason that I was not replying to her - even going so far to call it "telling" - when, in reality, I didn't reply to her because there was no reason to do so, because having a difference of opinion for most people is fine.

Lmao are you resigning to spend more time with your dictionary?

It depends where you live - I’ve never seen anything left outside a house where I live (or my parents lived). People would think you were fly tipping. Oh I lie sometimes plant cuttings.

when my dad died (although my mum is still alive) it took me a hour to clear his stuff in the house , well clear any evidence that he’d existed - he had no books or hobby stuff it was just clothes which went to the charity shop oh and watch that my mum kept (no idea why as she didn’t like him). Garage had tools in but that was it and there will be some joint photos but crikey it was odd.

I don't think this at all. It's not difficult to clear a house and it's easy to get help to do it.

Let your parents enjoy their later years without this resentment from their kids

Have you read this thread? Many people have found it difficult to clear a house. Yes some have found it easy but it is not so easy for everyone.

I think you've missed the point in keeping the single one from each person - the aim isn't to own the physical card because the card itself has value in a way that would be multiplied by being able to see a picture of more cards, it is because the act of re-displaying the card at significant moments allows you to prolong the enactment of that relationship.
See also: people displaying a framed photo of a dead parent at their wedding - the act of the physical item being present at that time and place to represent the relationship is the value, having 40 photos of that person stored on their phone might also be important but fulfils a different purpose.

Read it but have a different opinion I suppose

Fine to have a different opinion but it is easy for YOU to clear a house. Many others have genuinely struggled.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

My mum has started to downsize as a couple of years ago she had the job of clearing out my great aunt’s house. I’m not seeing much difference in what she has though to be honest!

She cleared out her aunt’s house with the help of a friend and basically what happened was the friend took anything of value for herself and they took the rest to charity or the tip. I asked about a few sentimental items and items that had been promised to me years ago and lo and behold, all now owned by my mum’s friend 😑.

All my mum was really interested in was where the money was hidden - she never found it despite her aunt saying for years she’d hidden money all over. I asked her if she’d checked in books, in the back of paintings etc and no, everything went as she wasn’t interested in keeping it. So likely any money went with the items.

I'm hoping my mum will deal with her paperwork but the rest of her stuff would be easy enough I suppose. She has thousands of books and a few antique bits of furniture. I’ll be sending all her clothes to the donation point at the tip and most of her furniture will probably end up there too.

My dad recently had to clear out a hoarder’s house (his wife’s mum’s house) and he said it was hell on earth. It took him months and several skips.

Are they a national company? Do you remember Thame name of them? My kitchen needs replacing (it's beyond just new doors!!) & this would be really helpful.

It was a company called Aasvogel but I'm not sure if they are national.

I think it’s easy to prepare for death when it feels like more of a concept as it does for you right now. It’s quite a difficult task when you are statistically closer to death, and that’s just emotionally. In their 70’s maybe the task feels physically overwhelming too.

My Dad died in his 40’s didn’t clear out at all (didn’t leave all that much either tbf) but going through it was actually quite nice. Unedited stuff that actually helped me get to know him a bit. Even old travel tickets and pay slips told part of a story we never knew.

I think you can choose whether to let this be an issue or not.

Do you not have a good relationship with your mother?

I can't imagine not caring about the things that mattered to my Mum.

Yanbu

my fil was like this and it was such a mountain for my mil to deal with she got house clearance in and 99% of it got chucked

meanwhile my own parents to be fair to them have put a lot of effort into decluttering last few years
so as to make it easier if a. I have to deal with it or b. They have to downsize (or both)

You can have the best of relationships, then grief, clutter, mess and mice and moths take over.

Its very hard seeing anyone in the same way when you’ve had to dig through every single speck of anything from their life.

Its starts off nice, thinking oh a lawnmower and a lamp will come in handy. Then you’re 14 air fryers, a brand new loft ladder, several bass guitars, a locked car and 4 bin bags of medication later and it becomes a form of hell you never knew existed.

There might not be any change in the level of love but clearing a house is brutal in a way you never knew existed.

(Disclaimer - You don’t have to choose to do this, house clearance companies are plentiful and cheap, freecycle and Facebook is brilliant for friendly places to get rid and leaving your stuff on the street clears it in minutes)

What makes you think I haven't been there, done that??

did you even bother to read the post I was replying to?

Oh I did, sorry it’s been taken the wrong way. I’ve been trying to be light and jokey as this threads got more serious and a bit snippy.

Grief is horrible. I wish there was a magic solution. I found myself having a sob yesterday as the parsley in the garden was growing again as my nan loved growing parsley. Parsley of all things took me out 😂

Sorry if I’ve offended you 💐

I'm sorry your parsley upset you! (Things you never thought you'd write! 🤣). It is the smallest of things that can get to you. 🤗

Take care 🌷