One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

Are you north or south? I'm just trying to understand the difference, because I would say a goodly proportion of weddings I have been to were child-free. Maybe not more, but definitely lots.

Usually I have no problem with child-free weddings, but this is just rude. They want your oldest daughter for cute photos don't they? I'm with you 100%, none of my family would go either.

Honestly I dont see the issue. I think it's nice he included his goddaughter. Bit awkward thet you initially thought the 6 year old was invited but then she wasnt but it is what it is. I'm the youngest, was often left out of events that my older siblings were invited to. It never bothered me. We were at a wedding last year that our daughter was flowergirl for and we didn't bring our son, never batted an eyelid over it.

What an awkward situation, this should have been made clearer months ago. One parent goes to the wedding and the other takes dd2 on a day out. That would be my preference anyway.

I was a flower girl when I was 7 and it was one of the most memorable experiences of my childhood. Amazing day - walking down the aisle with the bride (I still remember seeing the groom's mother crying!) and the big party.That is just my experience though.

I imagine it might just be thoughtlessness. The bride and groom haven’t thought it through. Could you write to them?

"Dear Mary and John, DD1 is very excited about being your bridesmaid in June and naturally wants to talk about it quite a lot. Unfortunately we have now realised that DD2 is not allowed to come to the wedding. As she is only 6 it is very hard for her to understand why all her family would be there, with her sister in a "starring role", but she herself would not be allowed to go at all.

I appreciate that it is absolutely your choice if you want a child-free wedding, but please could you confirm that this applies to the siblings of the bridesmaids / page boys? If so, I’m afraid I will regretfully not be able to come myself as we do not have anyone suitable with whom to leave DD2. Please understand that I am not trying to be difficult, just wanting to get it straight!

Many thanks,
Notmotherofflowergirls"

(But they’ll probably hate you, so your DH might not want this sent!)

YANBU, no way would I have one daughter as a bridesmaid and the other one not. I would not be allowing it to happen. It's such a mean thing to do. Leaving one little girl out. And she is not even invited to the wedding. That is immeasurably cruel and mean. I don't know one single parent who would let this happen. You need to say no @Notmotherofflowergirls Your older daughter will NOT be bridesmaid, and tell them why.

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I think it sad that the six year old has not been invited. Very sad indeed.

Years ago it would not be considered normal at all.

Problem is the assumption.

Op you just assumed your younger child was invited full stop despite knowing that lots of weddings due to your prior disappointment, are bridal party only.

In your shoes with your prior issues with wedding invites I’m surprised you didn’t clarify at the time.

You’ve assumed made a big fuss of it to your six so she didn’t feel bad about not being a bridesmaid and now to find out you assumed wrong.

And you know what they say about it assume.

a very very very good lesson for siblings to learn is that they don't always get what the other one gets, especially when it comes from outside the family. That they can do things separately, and that it is not the end of the world if one gets to do something the other doesn't.

The easy answer is to find something the younger daughter can do with another family member, surely?

Why would they write to them and so formally??? 😅 if they really wanted to bring it up, could they not just say that over the phone or face-to-face?

I think child free weddings ( apart from the wedding party) are absolutely fine and nothing wrong with your brothers decision but splitting families is a bit odd . What do they expect you to tell her ?
I suppose at this stage you could either stay at home with DD2 while DH goes with DD1 or ask DGP or other family member to take DD2 somewhere special on the day .

This totally.

I know right. I mean, if the older girl is 9 years old, and the younger one 18 months old, then yeah, fine, that's OK, just invite the older one... But 9 years old and 6 years old. Just no. The younger one is old enough to know she is being left out.

Is it just me but don't understand the OP. Your older DD9 godfather was already married when she was born? That's your suggested reason to explain to your younger DD6? But DD9 is being a flowergirl at his wedding ? If he's marrying again surely both DDs are equal in terms of being around when he gets married.

North, then Wales, but the weddings were all over the country. That said, I haven't been to a wedding for 20 years, so no social media were involved in any of the good number I've been to. I really do think this is where the difference lies. All the weddings of family and friends I've been to over the years were personal celebrations, not curated for the public gaze.

By "write" I really meant email.

Of course they could do it over the phone or face to face if they wanted to, but in such situations I find it’s often better to give the other people a chance to really think about and discuss the issue before replying, or you run the risk of just getting an automatic off-the-cuff, shut-down answer.

You call it "formal", I call it "polite", especially when it sounds as if OP isn't actually particularly close to the bride or groom.

It’s not too late to pull her out, promise them something special that weekend.

Then we would have gone with the eldest and the youngest would have had one on one time with her grandparents 💁🏻. It’s really no big deal. With a nearly 3 year age gap and separate interests they often did things individually with us or their grandparents or friends etc.

My SIL did this 35 years ago and I was aghast. She wondered why two of her SIL's didn't attend the wedding...er they had to stay home to look after the child she didn't invite

The only excuse I can offer is the cost of food/catering. It costs a lot to feed wedding guests. One way of cutting costs is to reduce the guest list, thus many weddings are child free. Sometimes children are invited to the evening reception. Is this a possibility? Could you ask? The last wedding I attended had children in the evening - they had a wonderful time. They had BBQ and ran round the hotel grounds all night. They were no trouble.
Alternatively, get some sort of childcare and let the younger daughter choose an alternative activity. Explain that she would find a wedding boring. (Yes, they can be boring). Then ask her what she would prefer to do as a treat instead. I bet she'd love something more child friendly followed by McDonalds.

My dd2 at 6 would've hated it.Dress yuk, Dancing ( she didn't even do a first dance at her own wedding). Fancy pudding ( very finicky on food) Not all kids are the same

This thread has come up multiple times on mumsnet. Most of the people who have gone to large child inclusive weddings seem to live in areas where there are large venues. Where I live, we hired the largest venue we could and it was 100 maximum. That barely covered my family let alone friends so no we couldn’t invite everyone’s children as much as we would have loved to. We did, however, have the children of my siblings as they are my close family. In th circumstance the OP describes I would have invited both children

That's probably the point. " They ran round the hotel all night"

Now you see why people choose child free weddings

Btw you being upset is a “you” thing. Someone else’s wedding is not about you and how upset you would be. The kids will pick up on your drama and react accordingly. In our case, no drama, so youngest has her treat and eldest got to play Disney Princess.

I'm curious - you'd do this to close friends, would you?

Hand them an awkward situation to manage between their two girls and a childcare inconvenience to boot (finding someone who can look after the one child on their own for goodness knows how long - I am hoping, OP, there is no travel here.)

For me, this comes in the category of 'with friends like these, who needs enemies' .

That said, @Notmotherofflowergirls I would possibly reach for 'thicker than I realised' in this situation ("but we said it was a childfree weedddinggg") rather than outright rude, especially if they are not parents themselves.