One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

Creating this kind of division in families is just plain mean! I wouldn’t agree to one being a bridesmaid/flower girl if siblings weren’t at least invited to the wedding! And if I were a bride to be I would even contemplate it!

This is ridiculous. Surely they must see how unreasonable it is. Can you discuss it with them?

There’s a lot of projection going on here. A 6 year old is not going to care if she’s not invited to a wedding.

What would be mean would be to tell the older child she’s no longer a bridesmaid because her mother is sulking.

Childfree weddings WTF.

...forgot to add: "How the British love their children"

Exactly. (Though I am also imagining you driving over a cliff or stapling your ear as you say it.😀)

It really isn't.

You now havevadditional.information, which changes the situation significantly. Namely, that you won't be thete.

If your 6-y-o is emotionally mature enough to dealnwith the disappointment of not being a bridesmaid, your 9-y-o should be old enough to deal with a similar disappointment, especially when told the reason why.

Pull out before the Miserable Couple have shelled our for a dress.

Why isn’t your younger daughter also a bridesmaid?
Are they concerned about her behaviour? Or do they have different godparents? why did you accept one daughter being asked to be a bridesmaid but not the other? Certainly without clarifying the details first.

Well, the OP should have checked at the time, especially as a previous family wedding was also childfree apart from the wedding party children.

If you want a child free wedding then don't use children as accessories that you can take out to use for photographs and then expect them to be put back in their box

None of my family would be going in this situation and I would be very clear why.

None of us would be going. My oldest is about to turn 8 and she'd understand if she couldn't be a bridesmaid because her little brother wasn't invited. I'd plan a special day with both kids instead.

Why do you assume she won't care about being invited to a wedding?

OP has said she was initially disappointed not to also be chosen as a bridesmaid, but has come around over time. So there have clearly been quite a few conversations about it.

Why do they need flower girls if its a child free wedding?

I would argue that it's also too late for them to pull this kind of stunt! I wouldn't hesitate to pull her out.

I hate the idea of excluding children from weddings. I'd probably say we could no longer come and I stead do a fun family activity so both dad's could be included. If you allow one DD to go and the other rejected I think that is poor parenting.

"Perfoming" nails it.

And I do wonder what the Miserable Couple's plan is for the children once they've performed their role.

I can fully see why you’re annoyed, I think it would annoy me too.

I can’t quite see the bride and groom’s logic behind it personally but they will have talked it out before going with it so it obviously makes sense to them.

I would decline. Just as they are free to make the choices that will make them happiest, so are you.

6 year olds definitely care about weddings - to them it's a party. But hey, who cares about children and their feelings.

Bride and groom that's all that matter apparently.

When did this become a thing? When did weddings stop being about celebrating with your family (including children) and start being an instagram fest that is purely to show off?

And you’re having a pop at me because????????

It's not the younger ones godparent though is it

I'm not sure why people consider siblings as a group rather than 2 individuals

So the 9 year old resents her sister as the reason she's missing out. Nice one

I am generally of the opinion that the bride and groom decide whats happening at their wedding its entirely their preogative to decide all details of their wedding.
Having said that i can understand your feelings about your younger daughter not being invited (although it appears not to be personal ).
I also think whatever you decide to do now is your prerogative to decide.
I work on the premise that if someone is thick skinned enough to not understand how their choices may affect others they are thick skinned enough to cope with your reasonable response.
I fit were me ,i think id allow your elder DD to be a bridesmaid and your DH attend the wedding. I'd decline saying you hope they have a wonderful day .
Id then plan something really special for you and your younger DD (a great learning experience for her, in that sometimes in life you arent invited to things and other family members are, its not a reflection on you. How you deal with it is with grace and living your best life..... if there is something special your younger DD has always wanted to do or experience ,now is the time....
I was your younger DD once and my mum took me to London for the day,we saw the sights and went to the theatre ,its one of my favourite memories and it taught me when you are left out in any situation make your own entertainment.

I think this too: it is because she is the Godchild she has been chosen.

I do think weddings have become a bit bridesilla-ry in recent years, but, that said, child-free isn't so totally unusual, and I think 6 is old enough to leave with a friend/babysitter for the day and choose another treat just for her on a different day so she doesn't feel she completely missed out.

There is also an age gap between 9 and 6. Friends recently took their family to Disneyland and the youngest (about 5 or 6) couldn't go on some of the rides because they were not old enough. No drama. They just explained and let the youngest choose some other activities.

Weddings generally have become a bit of a PITA and some of that is down to Bridezilla couples but some is also down to the guests feeling they have a "right" to kick up over their invitation. The root of the problem is the wedding industry has blown them into bigger affairs than people can comfortably afford.

Honestly your being dramatic saying you won't go as your not leaving her with anyone. Set up a great day with her with a babysitter or grandparent and she will LOVE the one of one special day. Also don't deprive your 9yr old of this. It really is just one day

I agree with this very much.

I also understand why it's too late to keep your older daughter out of the wedding.

The whole thing is ugly, but no you are not naive, OP, to assume both girls would be invited. Anyone would assume that. Selfishness and lack of consideration on this scale don't bode well for the marriage.