One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

2 years ago your brother got married. His wife chose her nieces to be in her bridal party. That’s her side and absolutely nothing to do with you, get over it.

Now your 9yo’s godfather has asked her to be in his wedding. Is the 6yo also his god daughter? If not I think it’s entirely normal to only have god kids in the weddings.

Both weddings were both child free except the bridal party, also entirely normal.

if you now don’t want to go, don’t. It’s an invite, simply politely decline. But don’t get all sulky about it or snarky about wedding culture. There’s plenty of reasonable reasons for this including price, behaviour, venue headcount etc. You need to stop holding onto so much upset and resentment.

Don't do this OP, absolutely insane behaviour.

@asdbaybeeee
'Child free weddings - fine
only immediate family members children- fine
leaving out one child from a family - not fine'

Couldn't agree more.

It's wild to think inviting a whole family and expecting them to leave one 6 year old behind while her sister goes is perfectly reasonable because 'it's their day' or whatever.
Having the wedding you want doesn't give you carte blanche to act like a dick and everyone has to go along with it. There's no way I would attend a wedding where one member of my family of 4 was excluded. Child free isn't the issue, exclusion of one family member is, she's still a person who'll be hurt and confused by this!

We had flower girls/page boys who were close family because we love them and wanted them to be part of it, but with this attitude it seems to me that OPs 9yo is just a pretty prop for photos. 6yo isn't convenient so she can bugger off.

Every wedding we’ve been to over the last few years has been child-free. Much better imo.

Even when our children were small, we were delighted if we were invited to weddings that were child-free.

Yes child-free really isn't that unusual OP.

It is your 9 year old that is the exception here, not the 6 year old.

It not for everyone but I would of been ok with this when my children were that age. My eldest at 9yrs would of been beautifully behaved and would of done an amazing job, my youngest at 6yrs would of been an absolute pain and would really of struggled to sit through it. The one wedding I took him to at that age he complained that he was bored and that there was noone to play with etc

I’d send your DH and 9yo to the wedding and do something else with your 6yo. If your absence is noted, just say the childcare for 6yo fell through or the 6yo was under the weather or whatever. Alternatively you go with 9yo and DH do something with 6yo.

My dc are young adults. They are close in age and I always made an effort for them to do stuff together and not to do something where one would need to miss out. The 9yo’s godfather has been a bit thoughtless IMO. Let the 9yo enjoy it and compensate the 6yo with an alternative day.

Completely horrible. Sorry. I cannot fathom the thought processes behind such rules and behaviours. I really cannot. I am lost for words.

A wedding with no children. Or only one invited and not the other ?

People have become very strange.

I'm a bit lost by this attitude that weddings always involve children. I've been to loads of child-free weddings.

OK if you've got free babysitting on tap. For us it was pay over £100 for a day nanny or not be able to go. Neither option was anything we were "delighted" about.

That wasn’t a ‘pop’. I was simply responding to what you said, that you wouldn’t have agreed to one child being a flower girl if her sibling wasn’t invited, as is obviously your right. The OP should have checked when she was asked if her older child could be a flower girl, especially as she’d been ‘very very upset’ when a previous family wedding had the same ‘childfree apart from flower girls/pageboys’ policy.

If you went to the wedding without your six year old, would it be a day trip or overnight or longer? Do you have grandparents or other close relatives who could give the youngest a lovely day? I think my approach would depend on the answer to those questions.

That is truly horrible and unkind.
if your 9yr old is really excited about it there’s nothing you can do apart from not going and having a special day out with your 6yr old

id find it hard not to let godparent know how surprised you were that she’s not even invited. So insensitive not to even give her a little role like sprinkling confetti or something

Most people would naturally assume that the rest of the family would be there if one child was a bridesmaid.

Why don’t you white lie to the younger girl, say just daddy and her sister have been invited but we’ll get dressed up nice and have a special day together. You could put on nice dresses and go out somewhere for a lovely lunch or something. She doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of it but you could make her feel special too.

It just don't go

My own kids weren't at my wedding

Seriously? My daughter would have been devastated at that age to be left out while the rest of us got dressed up and went to a big event.

Ps i think it’s incredibly bad manners what the bride and groom have done but it would also be unfair to pull out of the wedding - unfair on your older daughter, not on the bride and groom!

It seems very weird to me — our wedding was the sort I love, a big party for family and friends, and we wouldn’t have thought of banning children.

But I wouldn’t pull DD9 out. That would be cruel, now that she’s all excited about it. That would really hurt her and possibly make her resent DD6.

Could one of you/DH attend the wedding, while the other takes DD6 out as a special treat to something she enjoys?

@Notmotherofflowergirls I'd pull her out and spend any money that would be spent on the wedding on a trip away at the same time. Don't let insta fuckers dictate your family life. Your dd will get over it.

Not all of us agree on everything so it’s not about what people chose to do about their weddings. You chalk this down to experience and next time you get an invite you and the rest of us here will remember to ask who exactly is invited.

If it were me, I would tell the relative that as they’ve excluded your 6year old wont attend and will stay with her. No drama response so you can have a friendship and you 9y/o will have a relationship with her god father.

Weddings were once simpler affairs. "Something old, something borrowed."

I think it's the move toward having everything perfect for The Bride's Big Day which will be photographed in detail by the costly photographer so everything can be splashed across instagram. This has resulted in pushing the boat out for fancier and fancier venues, menus etc, which cost more and more.

But as much as the couples are at fault, I do think once upon a time guests got an invitation and didn't feel the need to stage an intervention by pulling the bridesmaid etc because the younger sibling wasn't invited.

There is just way too much forceful energy on both sides.

Wedding stuff really does drive wedges though. My dc weren’t invited to BILs wedding at all. And he’s their bloody godfather. At the time, they were teens and wouldn’t have stood out amongst the adults. DH was really pissed off. As the wedding was abroad as well and it would have meant him going alone (we had nobody to take the kids for several days, nor would I have left them to go abroad for several days without either me or DH). Apparently it was absolutely strictly no children no exceptions no nothing. So DH didn’t go. Was really pissed off with his brother. We then found out that the bride let her mate bring a 3yo. So not your blood family, godchildren teens who would have blended in, but an Unrelated 3yo who ran about. Yes your wedding your choice. But also your consequences to bear. We haven’t seen BIL for many years now.

I don’t think anyone has a problem with the wedding being child free. Just that it is weird to allow one child from a family and not another. When my daughter was 5 she was a bridesmaid for her godmother and we brought her younger brother along. There were a few other children invited but it wasn’t open season for all children of guests. My daughter was bridesmaid because the bride is my best friend. She wouldn’t have dreamt of not inviting my son if my daughter was there because she loves them both regardless of only one being her god child. I wouldn’t have been offended however if she had not invited either.

This