One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

Totally disagree. Yes, child free weddings are pretty normal. Yes, child free weddings except bridal party (e.g bridesmaids, page boys) are also pretty normal. But no one splits child siblings like that. You just don’t do that.

In this instance, they have 9 year old as a bridesmaid and therefore have to invite the 6 year old.

If I were you OP I would stay home with the six year old. It speaks volumes. Other guests will know as a mother of a bridesmaid you would want to see her dressed up and being in the bridal party. It’s really cruel that you and your younger child won’t get to see that.

This is what I did when one of mine was a bridesmaid at a family wedding that was mostly childfree. Youngest spent the day with her dad and grandparents having lots of fun at legoland and the eldest and I went to the wedding. We just framed it as the youngest being too young to be a bridesmaid (she was 4) so would have a different kind of fun with her dad at a theme park that the eldest (7) had already decided was too you got her. No drama. No angst. No begging for an invite for all. Just two happy girls spending one on one time with each parent.

Child-free weddings are common, that's true. Weddings are ridiculously expensive to host and this is one way of keeping the guest list down.

However, they will sometimes make parents' attendance more trouble than it's worth. No problem at all if the bride and groom accept this; not so fine if they kick up a fuss about it or demand the attendance of one child whilst excluding the other.

Weddings are really not 'all that', except to the people who are marrying.

But how would that work if both parents want to be at the wedding? If they know the person getting married equally well.

honestly if have been devastated to have missed my DD being a bridesmaid. Opportunities don’t come up very often and it would have upset me to have missed the day to see her play her part.

Yes. i think it really is this simple.

Tbh I think "child-free but siblings of bridal party are allowed" is far more complicated and unreasonable than "child-free other than the bridesmaid."

If having a child-free wedding, that's what I'd do.

This is ridiculous to not even allow the other one there 🤯 unbelievable

Wow I've heard it all now. Absolutely ridiculous

This is a sane response imo.

Children are part of the family. I find it very odd not to invite them.
As to behaviour. Some might be good, some might not be. That is life.
This search for perfection for your day comes at a price. Not a nice one.
If the people you invite have a child, the child comes too.

I would probably send bridesmaid DD to the wedding with Dad and do something special myself with younger DD. I wouldn't want the youngest to feel particularly excluded but I also wouldn't want to cause resentment from the oldest or make her feel like she can only function as a unit with her sister. As they get older they're going to do more things separately and wouldn't want DD1 to feel like she can't accept invitations if they aren't also extended to DD2.

I don’t think you’ve met many six year old girls. Mine would be devastated about missing a family wedding. It’s literally everything she loves all rolled up in one day, new dress, hair done, Mum and dad all dolled up, family and friends making a fuss of her, sitting at a posh grown up table, fancy pudding, music in the evening, dancing in said posh frock. My god, she would love it.

Imagine being 6 years old and getting dropped off at your grandparents for the day while your older sister and parents go off for a fun day out. Surprised that a few posters (apparently) see no issue with that.

Having said that, it would conceivably be harder for the 6 yo to be at the wedding but not part of the wedding party. I think taking her out separately for a really fun day is a good idea. Maybe she could get a new outfit too. Don't make her sister miss out on being a bridesmaid though.

People using kids as wedding props. Brilliant assessment. I don't understand it.

TBF though, the bride and groom aren't staging a Disney Princess experience for minors, which is kind of what you have described; they are celebrating their marriage.

I don’t see a problem that your DD1 has been selected as bridesmaid, if she is the groom’s god-daughter. Your DD2 is not, hence the difference. However, it would be mean for all of you to go to the wedding except for DD2. So you should just send your DH to the wedding to look after DD1, and you and your younger daughter should plan a nice day out together. Your DH should say to the groom that you obviously can’t go as you will be looking after DD2, it’s quite simple.

It doesn’t merit the drama you are making of it and DD2 won’t be bothered unless YOU are making a big deal about it. There are lots of things in life that siblings will do separately for lots of reasons, and that’s ok.

When I was about 5 I remember a friend of mine being a bridesmaid and she came back from the wedding with a necklace as a gift. I can vividly remember her showing it to me and I remember being really envious. I never got to be a bridesmaid as a child and was gutted. Nearly 45 years later I can still remember that moment.

I would withdraw the other dd, yes she’ll be upset but it’s a good life lesson.

I'd be upset too, but actually it might be a blessing in disguise. Now you have an excuse to pull out of a boring wedding where if invited, your six year old would have to be seen and not heard. DH can deal with the eldest while you can take your youngest for a fun day out to a theme park instead.

Actually, I think lots of brides are basically trying to create a Disney Princess experience for themselves. The marriage is almost by the by.

They are letting their Goddaughter play a special role, because they have a special connection. Sometimes this is nieces or nephews or similar. But it isn't as if they are hiring unknown children to wear an outfit.

Yes I would of asked my parents to do something similar and did for certain events. I think it's fine.

For me it woukd be both or neither. That's outrageous. The age gap is too close to justify leaving one out.

I woukdnt go and neither would any of my immediate family.

That I can agree with!

Whereas I have never once been to such a wedding, thankfully.

And it’s never too late to pull out, it’s their fault for being ridiculous.

We allowed anyone with kids to bring them to our wedding, we also picked up the entire costs including drinks plus said no gifts at all - book the venue you can actually afford, my wedding (2024) cost £6k all in including the church, proper dress etc.