One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

Yes, I agree with you it is the SM kind of vibe that has changed the landscape - of weddings and so much else.

The child free ones I have been to are mostly quite sophisticated venues, with food that isn't that child-friendly etc, often running into the evening.

I'm with you that it is a shame to lose sight of the point of the ceremony, and my mum's favourite wedding ever was a country one with jars of wildflowers on the tables in a barn. And yes, children were definitely included.

However, I can see the appeal of a black tie London hotel type reception and really these events have not been suited to children, nor do I think they would have enjoyed them much. In those circumstances, I think child-free for all but those in the bridal party is a simple rule - and even then the bridesmaid/page boys have often been taken home by a grandparent or similar before the meal.

But I do think both couple AND guests have a responsibility to try to stop weddings becoming the kind of bun fights they seem to descend to on MN. Sometimes you get an invitation that isn't the way you would have styled the event. Different if it exclude someone pointedly, but I don't think a younger sibling who is not part of the bridal party at a child free event counts as pointed.

When did people become so precious about weddings? I suppose it does depend on individual circumstances, but they’re supposed to be family affairs. Great aunts having pictures taken with the babies, little boys sliding across the dance floor in their socks, hair slicked to their foreheads from the sweat, little girls dancing and making new friends. They’re supposed to be celebrations. Decline the invite, it’s not too late and completely reasonable considering you’d have to find childcare for the youngest.

No it isn't I had 3 kids. Should they have been made to all do the same thing at the same time? If so why? They are 3 completely different people

Yeah, that’s really unkind. I also don’t think you were unreasonable expecting your other daughter to receive an invitation because, honestly, who on earth could predict that curve ball?
Personally, I would pull her out from the wedding because even by making other fantastic arrangements for your 6 year old, you are still condoning their ridiculous behaviour.
Let them get on with it.
I’m so sorry that someone you obviously thought so well of (enough to make him Godfather) has put you in this situation.

The number of people who would deliberately damage a nine year old by pulling her out of a role that she's already involved in, is astonishing.

I agree that the bride and groom are acting very badly, but I wouldn't set out to effectively punish the innocent party here. Little girls dream of being bridesmaids and she'll already be invested in it and looking forward to it. When I was nine, no alternative 'treat' would have made up for that @Notmotherofflowergirls .

Personally, if I couldn't bring the B&G round, I'd have one parent (the one closest to the godfather?) attend the wedding, and the other take the six year old somewhere really special and have quality one to one time. She'd probably be glad not to have to watch her sister in a role that she would have loved to have.

Please read my post correctly. They ran round the hotel grounds all night. The couple concerned had also hired the hotel grounds, it was part of the package. They laid on a BBQ for the evening guests, daytime guests had had a sit down meal, the evening catering was cheaper.
Some guests sat at tables outside, it was lovely, others were dancing to a disco inside. The kids ranged from 4ish to early teens. The hotel grounds were private and a safe, secure place for the kids. There were outdoor games for kids and adults to play, that went down well after a few drinks.

I don’t think you can pull the 9 year old at this point.

I think you will have to not go OP and have a mummy / 6 year old day. Maybe go out for lunch, get her nails painted, go to the zoo….make it a super special day so she’s not really bothered. Tell her you weren’t invited too and oh well we will have our own magically day instead!

You should be teaching your 9
year old to stick up for her little sister and to think about her! Not what you are doing!

Because they don’t have the same Godfather? I have different godparents to my siblings.
I would be annoyed but I would let my DH take the DD to be bridesmaid. Ask for photos. But do something special with my younger DD and think differently about them as friends. And I would personally pull back from friendship.
I know this would be a me problem, but I don’t care.

Same. We got married in 2011 and invited everyone’s children and we had a whale of a time. No problems or interruptions at all. It was lovely to see them all dressed up and enjoying themselves. I loved making them all little favours for the tables etc.
My SIL and BIL had a child free wedding the year before and lots of guests partners were missing because they were looking after their children. I know which I preferred.

No, I wouldn't go. It's not 'too late' to say no imho. We had a similar situation years ago in our family and there's still upset years later (literally it will be 25 years next month and it's still a very sore point for everyone involved!!)

It's not too late to pull her out. They are CFs. Either your other kid is invited or no one goes. Simple.

Running around anywhere is no better. Still tables BBQ drinks around etc and parents distracted once kid has grazed knee or had arguments

Weddings are pretty boring. Drop the bridesmaid off and take your other daughter out to do something nice.

When did weddings become not only selfish but a pointless power flex?! What is a 6 year old honestly going to do to make a wedding less enjoyable? If it was my wedding I honestly wouldn't have the mental energy to pull off such twattery even if I hated kids. If this was my kids I would decline OP. At the very least if 9YO kicked up a stink I'd make a point of taking 6YO to a theme park or something on the wedding day

None of us would be attending. You don't get to use one child as a prop whilst excluding and upsetting her sibling.

I definitely wouldn’t go. They can’t just invite one Sister!!

Bet 9 year old will love that. Would you really do that to your child just to prove a point when they'd been really looking forward to it.

I would absolutely pull your eldest DD from the wedding party and boycott the wedding. How ridiculous. 9 is too young to be a bridesmaid anyway.

I would decline on behalf of everyone. It's either child free, or not. This kind of fuckwittery is absolutely pathetic. It's an awful thing to do to both your DDs.

It might be an unpopular opinion but as the mother of the bride helping her daughter and son in law plan their wedding , they have had to do the no child policy . The youngest bridesmaid ( her half sister) is 13 the rest are adults . The reception planning was a nightmare with limited numbers allowed , not enough seating ,children classed as a ‘number’ for fire risks, some reception rooms because there is an alcohol licence, said no children after a certain time , most places insisted you have them do the catering, and you had to give exact numbers , we spent weeks looking, trying to please everyone . The rooms are ridiculously expensive to hire now as so many rules and regulations with everything . We gave up and have said no children . It’s not what we wanted as some of her friends have little ones but once we had explained and actually showed them the extra costs involved and there not actually physically being enough room without spending they totally understood . My daughter doesn’t want a huge wedding and they have a budget which I’m helping them with . A lot of places had already been taken for the date we needed too so had to go with what was available . I know it’s a pain not being able to take a child to a wedding but believe me the hassle of trying to accommodate it was an absolute nightmare !

If this was me neither would go.

Weddings are boring. Use it as an excuse not to go and then do something fun with other/both daughter(s) instead. Give your older daughter the choice.

Also the 'lunch with the bride and a gift' thing is highly manipulative. I would just RSVP saying none of you able to attend. Noneed for drama. Send a card. Let them deal with the fallout.

Yes! I’m in NI and it’s unthinkable not to have everyone there. Often the bride and groom are meeting certain guests for the first time, if they live a long way off etc. None of this needing to have a proven history of interaction with the bride or whatever. And children of all ages having an absolute ball.

I know cost is often a problem for people, but a lot of the time it looks like some sort of weird power trip. Or just a dispassionate, highly curated ‘event’ rather than a wedding.