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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad about ageing and becoming invisible?

203 replies

Madformaltesers · 03/05/2026 00:11

Been out tonight for a family meal..I'm mum (single parent) out with three sons and spouses all in their thirties, i am in my fifties.
I am old, it’s evident, when I am out, i like a dance but I'm old and they were not playing any 80s music!
I've come home, realising I wont ever turn heads again, I've been there, done that and Im now invisible.
I will never be youthful again.
God I feel sad, I am successful, my children, grandchildren are amazing and my legacy but the absolute sadness that my life is marching on has really upset me.

OP posts:
Calendulaaria · 03/05/2026 00:20

I'm over 50 and nobody ever looks at me with interest. It's a relief to be honest. I was touched, assaulted and leered at so many times on public transport and at pubs etc, when I was young that I find it relaxing being older with no attention. I guess we are all different though and I'm sorry that you are finding it sad.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/05/2026 00:22

I find it a great relief to be fairly invisible these days.

Chiefangel · 03/05/2026 00:24

I like and don’t miss it for the world.

Soozikinzii · 03/05/2026 00:27

I do know what you mean it can be a bit disheartening. But you've got so much going for you . You must focus on all the positives . It sounds like you certainly had your days in the sun . Now its time to enjoy your mature years that you've worked hard for . '

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 03/05/2026 00:27

You talk.as though you are the only person that getting older has ever happened to OP! It's a fact of life old age comes to us all who are lucky enough not to leave it prematurely.

I dispute the fact you are old in your 50s anyway. I'm probably 20 years older than you and life may be different for me now than when I was younger but there is still a lot of pleasure in being alive.

Do you really need validation and attention from other people to make your existence meaningful?

Original poster
Madformaltesers · 03/05/2026 00:27

I think its sad to be invisible, I am not talking just about male/female attention in a sexual way.. even just a conversation..

OP posts:
Blueeyedmale · 03/05/2026 00:28

Think of the positives you have in your life, but I suspect it's more about anxiety about getting older than actually want to turn heads, if you genuinely do feel upset about not turning heads spare a thought for the many women and girls who get leached at on a daily basis.

SonnyandChair · 03/05/2026 00:29

Do you mean you're feeling invisible to admiring gazes from men?

Original poster
Madformaltesers · 03/05/2026 00:30

SonnyandChair · 03/05/2026 00:29

Do you mean you're feeling invisible to admiring gazes from men?

Nope, not at all

OP posts:
Boxingshibes · 03/05/2026 00:33

I think it depends, when I was younger 20s I could turn heads but wasn't taken seriously at work. Im now about to be 50 and I make not have the looks I had but I look ok. I have a family and I am respected in my field at work.
Bizarrely at work this week a female trainee told me I was beautiful and wanted to have my confidence and be me when she had more experience ( she wouldn't want my problems) so invisible physically but more me.

Itiswhysofew · 03/05/2026 00:33

The realisation hits hard. I look old and I don't like it, but I just have to accept it's part of life. None of us are invisible.Just because we don't get the attention we used to get, doesn't mean we've disappeared. We're in a different phase now, that's all.

You'll be fine. Who needs that superficial attention. Try not to dwell, it'll just make you feel worse.

Huckleberries · 03/05/2026 00:33

I sometimes have issues computing getting old

Finding a sadness comes with it

I get it

TotHappy · 03/05/2026 00:34

I was never either popular or desirable as a child/teen/in my twenties but occasionally, if dressed up and out would turn heads or make people sit up and now I'm pushing forty, 3 kids down, I look like shit and I feel kind of sad as well- like I've missed the window of being one of the happening people, it's never coming back and now it's only going to get worse. I feel you, OP.

ViciousCurrentBun · 03/05/2026 00:39

But if it’s not male glances you are after how are you invisible? I’m almost a decade older than you and still strike up chats with people.

Friendlygingercat · 03/05/2026 00:42

Well Im in my 80s and I can assure you that I dont get ignored unless I wish to be!

Crikeyalmighty · 03/05/2026 00:43

I’m 64 OP, I wasa beauty queen in my late teens when such things existed- I am now fairly average looking although told I’m still pretty ( although overweight and totally shit teeth!!) I’ve got beyond the point of caring to be honest having had friends die or ill .my mother was one who always felt lesser if blokes weren’t attracted to her and it wasn’t a nice part of her personality . Didn’t matter if she didn’t fancy them, she needed them to fancy her ! It actually stopped her forming good friendships because other women thought she was always after their partners even though she was married. You are only invisible if you let yourself be so, be wise, kind, , witty, interested, helpful and you will never be invisible .

ProperDeep · 03/05/2026 00:45

Hmm …

I’m sorry you’ve had a moment of misery, but why on earth can’t you dance to Olivia Dean, or Raye - like everyone else? Why be so stubborn about it?

I’m in my sixties. Pepper and salt hair and undeniable jowls - but people still literally chase after me in the street to compliment me on what I’m wearing; colleagues still want to work with me (in the new thing I took a postgraduate degree in when I was the age you are now); I still have as yet unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

The older I get the more I find incredibly beautiful clothes a great comfort. Spend more money on yourself. Buy some gorgeous perfume; a wonderful jewel, fabulous boots. Ask ChatGPT to finesse your beauty routine or suggest a new hairstyle. Make a list of new novels to read. Resolve to see more theatre, go to more concerts, join something and go to meetings. I imagine being ‘successful’ means you have the freedom to travel and have adventures. Do as much as you can now.

Stop looking back. Look forward and keep your life exciting.

Original poster
Madformaltesers · 03/05/2026 00:46

Its not about male glances, maybe I shouldn't have put ‘turned heads’ in my original post, its about feeling invisible, at the bar trying to get a drink, in the ladies loos trying to get in when its packed, getting service in a shop etc
just little things that years ago I wouldn't have thought about or had issue with

Maybe today is just a bad day and Im overthinking and aware of my
own mortality

OP posts:
UDontaskUDontget · 03/05/2026 00:51

Huckleberries · 03/05/2026 00:33

I sometimes have issues computing getting old

Finding a sadness comes with it

I get it

I do too. Just an inherent sadness.
OP i totally get what you mean. Invisible and overlooked. Just not seen, like we are totally irrelevant

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/05/2026 00:55

I’m in my 50s. I actually like being more invisible. I had a bit of a gulp moment this morning when I saw the guy, who left a note with his number on my car 2 years ago asking me out if for a drink if I was interested. I don’t think he saw me, I ducked the other side of a bush. I’m married and I really don’t want all that crap. So I get it’s not nice when people don’t see you and nearly bump into you, serve the pretty young things at the bar etc, but there’s a lot to be said for not being noticed.

Gamerlady · 03/05/2026 00:58

Change your way of thinking, you're not old in your 50s. Be more positive about yourself. You may feel invisible but doesn't mean you are. Have more confidence and things will change.

Ohfudgeoff · 03/05/2026 01:00

Soozikinzii · 03/05/2026 00:27

I do know what you mean it can be a bit disheartening. But you've got so much going for you . You must focus on all the positives . It sounds like you certainly had your days in the sun . Now its time to enjoy your mature years that you've worked hard for . '

Mature years! Just spat our my tea. Mature years to me = around 75+, give or take.

JoyLoveJoyInOrbitNsoul · 03/05/2026 01:05

I'm late 50s and glad I've had the chance to get older as the alternative is not very appealing

TopazQuartz · 03/05/2026 01:06

Madformaltesers · 03/05/2026 00:27

I think its sad to be invisible, I am not talking just about male/female attention in a sexual way.. even just a conversation..

It's sad how our culture treats ageing. You are not old yet but I get it, you're not in your 30s. How were your adult children talking with you?

I think the answer lies in being grounded in the things you value and in valueing your own life regardless of what outside (of yourself) messages you pick up (and sometimes we pick up ne.gatives because we might be feeling negative too) But it's difficult when society covets youth and even jokes about getting old are still not taboo. I mean you can't talk about people's bodies now, or make jokes about that, so many things you can't joke about but you can still joke about 'getting old and decrepit.' It's not frowned on when people do this. So yeah, you are in a society that is working against you as you get older, but you are not old yet, and are still a viable human even a couple more decades down the line. Find your value in yourself first, your children may be your pride and joy but your value isn't just about having raised them.

Huckleberries · 03/05/2026 01:13

@ProperDeep "people still literally chase after me in the street to compliment me on what I’m wearing"

please tell me about the beautiful clothes you're wearing

Other posters saying it's about lost opportunities yes, even if you've had a good life, there's always going to be what might have been factor

No one fits inabsolute everything they wanted to do