AIBU to feel sad about ageing and becoming invisible?

[Madformaltesers]

Been out tonight for a family meal..I'm mum (single parent) out with three sons and spouses all in their thirties, i am in my fifties.
I am old, it’s evident, when I am out, i like a dance but I'm old and they were not playing any 80s music!
I've come home, realising I wont ever turn heads again, I've been there, done that and Im now invisible.
I will never be youthful again.
God I feel sad, I am successful, my children, grandchildren are amazing and my legacy but the absolute sadness that my life is marching on has really upset me.

Hmm... I like being invisible when I want to be and being confident enough to make myself heard/seen when necessary. Early 50s and feel a lot safer than when I was younger.

My mum (74) steals the show wherever she goes! She's got so much charisma, she puts everyone to shame. Age is only a number. If you let it get to you, it becomes something else. With age, comes more respect and deference in how you're treated and awe in how little you give a shit about how you're perceived. Please enjoy this phase in life. You've earned it!

I do understand the grief about there being less time ahead for you now than behind. However I console myself with the reflection that even if I died prematurely now, I’d have had a wonderful life and been blessed with love and children and health (up to that point) and been hugely lucky to grow up in a safe country with parents who loved me in reasonable wealth and comfort.

I actually find it easier now to strike up conversations. My peer group in terms of age often strike up conversations and I also find that young people - my children’s ages are easy to talk to.

In particular, I find the ease of conversation with young people pleasant and enlightening. I like and don’t mind being seen as just another older mum. Recently a 19 year old boy and I struck up a long conversation on a bus ride having bonded in laughter at a bizarre incident on the bus. By the end of the journey I’d heard all about his life and seen photos of his new flat, his girlfriend, his dog and his grandma 😁. As a younger woman I was so wary and scared of young men.

I too can be negative, but post menopause I’m finding it’s really true that you see what you look for. If you look for the light, you’ll find it. Bit hippy! Sorry.

And more materially, if you are
lucky enough to have the resource, as a previous poster said, invest a little in yourself. Have great hair, clothes that make you happy etc etc.

In my late 40s here. I don't think I was ever much of a head-turner or attention-getter, physically, but I still know how to speak up and get noticed if I need to. If/when I start feeling invisible, I think my first step will be to put some effort into surrounding myself with more people my own age and older. Aside from shallow men looking for much younger pretty faces, there's no reason we shouldn't still be just as visible to our peers and elders.

That said, I think that in some ways I've always generally felt more comfortable with people at least a bit older than I am. Given the choice, I'd prefer to work with someone a bit older, too, if I'm honest, and it feels slightly strange and wrong when doctors and other professionals are obviously much younger than I am. That shift and noticing the increasing age in family members are the hard parts of getting older for me, thus far.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad. But I don't really understand it. You have three grown up children who like you, it seems as you are out with them. That's a great achievement. You are a human being who is getting older. As a 61 year old, I understand that ageimg can be difficult. But it's the human condition. And you are not even old! You have years ahead of you to do plenty of things. The invisible thing, I can't relate to. Who cares really about other people's views of you?

I am sorry you are feeling sad and I understand it. To me, you actually described your incredible accomplishments. Successful and single mum of three grown up sons? That's pretty amazing.

I am mid fifties and also experiencing what you are saying about feeling invisible in the general world and attention and service experiences and all of that. And, similar to other posters, I don't mind it very much as am a huge introvert and have had past unwanted and many times disturbing attention from people when I was younger. I find it a bit liberating but I get it if it makes you feel differently.

I don't have advice but you do have my commiseration. There is a whole Gen X community online that maybe you could explore?

I have 10 years on you OP. I don't feel ignored or invisible. I have a responsible job where I make a difference (though I'm retiring soon). Being older has increased my self confidence and self belief. I feel I can do and cope with whatever I want to. I'm assertive when needed and happy in my own company when I get the chance to be. I know myself well and inside feel exactly the same as I did when I was much younger, but more confident in who I am. At 50 I bewailed the passing of time for a while but now I view life as something I'm lucky to have. Make plans, don't look too far forward and believe that you are worthy!

Im 68 and I’ve never felt invisible in the slightest as Ive got older. My life is different now to when I was younger but it’s still just as good. I still take a pride in my appearance, far more so than when I was in my late 30s and early 40s and had a young child, and Im comfortable with myself - I think I probably look better now than I have since my 20s and I do still turn the occasional head. Like a previous poster, I enjoy lovely bright clothes more the older I get, and I love having waist length grey hair. I had never spent a penny on skincare until about five years ago when I discovered my first beauty advent calendar, and now really enjoy smothering myself in lovely creams and perfumes. Now that I only work part time and have had corrective back surgery, Ive got more time for myself and can actually spare the time to swim several times each week and to work in the garden, and Im probably fitter than a Ive been in 30 years.

Maybe it’s because my attitude has changed as Ive got older, but I find people are generally nicer and more respectful towards me in shops, restaurants, cafes etc than they were 15 or 20 years ago, and even more so at work. I’ve always thought a lot was down to your attitude - my Mum never seemed really old until she was 92 And because the way she lived her life hadn’t changed significantly for as long as I could remember, she looked and behaved like a 60 year old.

Do you have a big life goal you haven't fulfilled? A postgrad degree you've always wanted to do, a novel you've always wanted to write, a trek? I wonder if part of this is to do with feeling like all your accomplishments are behind you?

And how's your self-care? I'm not talking about chasing the fountain of youth, but exercising, eating well, dressing well, good skincare, good haircare, good dental care can all go a long way to making you feel good about yourself. And why not dance to newer music? Or grab a friend and go to an 80s club.

I'm older than you, and I actually don't feel invisible, but I think part of that is mind set. I don't feel old and invisible, so I don't accept being treated that way. You're never going to be younger than you are today, but you can be happier.

I'm sorry you're having a moment, but don't let it drag you backwards.

Having survived cancer at 57 I’m now on my second life so to speak. I love being invisible. I’m not yet infirm and still stride out shoulders straight and head up. I can wear pretty much anything without drawing attention to myself and feel much less intimidated.

I have a new found confidence having moved from 50 something to 60 something. Menopause leaves you feeling faded and frumpy but once it’s all done you do get a second wind.

I’ve always noticed that women over 60 have regained their self confidence, not in a mutton dressed as lamb but more an acceptance that they can no longer wear leggings. I’m retired and have the time to plan what I’m wearing, paint my nails to match my lipstick. I now wear clothes that fit me properly because I no longer focus on the size I think I should be but the size I am.

I changed my makeup to suit my skin type post meno. And don’t use the heavy foundations that I used to rely on.

Life is now about making the most of what I have rather than trying to look younger. I now aspire to elegance rather than goddess. And I have a voice because I don’t give a shit about what people think. If a shop assistant is rude or ignores me I now make a point of asking for assistance and killing with kindness is now my hobby.

I felt that my 50s were a bit of a grey period in my life. I’m now back, and in full technicolor because no one really notices and as a result they don’t seem to judge you. .

The thing I find sad about getting old is friends and relatives getting old too, and getting ill and passing away, sometimes shockingly too soon.

I don't mind looking my age. I do want to lose more weight but that's more for health reasons than appearance.

I'm almost 67 and don't feel invisible at all.

I agree with every word of this.(apart from the hair, I'm dyed blonde) I'm 66. I'm not invisible.

I still see men look at me and I am in my 50's. I don't know if they are about to drop on one knee to propose or anything but they aren't recoiling in disgust or looking though me, so I'm not invisible. If anything I feel more seen now than I ever have. I think a lot of that is just improved confidence as I've got older. I don't think I look "old" either, I'm not 25 anymore but I look good, healthy and happy.

I honestly think a lot of it is just how you view yourself and your general outlook. If you feel old and invisible you will be more likely to have that experience, if you see yourself in a positive way then others will pick up on that.

I don't understand what this means tbh. Were people in public toilets stepping aside to let you go first in your twenties??

I think older women are very socially powerful if they want to be, actually. You can strike up conversation in a way that's welcomed as non-threatening.

I’m still in my 30s but my mum got remarried in her 50s so clearly some people turn heads.

I have mentors in their 50s and they are stunning! But they make effort on their apperance - it may be bold glasses, bold cloth choices or bright lipstick.

Im saying that if you want to turn heads, you still can.

It may not be the same but you can. Maybe you’ve slipped into abit of a routine. Could you pinpoint if you want to change something or if you want to feel the sadness but accept this is how it is?

I think older women are very socially powerful if they want to be, actually. You can strike up conversation in a way that's welcomed as non-threatening

That's so true.

I'm 50 and don't feel remotely invisible. I don't get letched and leered at the way I did from the age of about 12 to early 20s but that's because men that do that are picking on perceived vulnerability. Also my confidence and authority has grown with age, people listen to me and take notice of what I say, I find. And often I find myself the most sensible and knowledgeable person in the room these days, why shouldn't my opinions or voice be heard. I'm enough and that's all that matters. Confidence is attractive, fake it if you don't feel it.

Menopause leaves you feeling faded and frumpy but once it’s all done you do get a second wind.

I haven't had a period for nearly two years now and don't feel faded and frumpy at all. Relief at no longer having periods or being on a hormonal rollercoaster or worrying about whether endometriosis symptoms will come back is my main feeling.

I’m 48 and was scouted as a model a few weeks ago - seriously. I’ve really grown into my style, my face has become more angular and I am loving this new phase. Obviously it’s not really about looks - I have a good idea who I am, what I want and what I would like to project. For me - not for anyone else. I really enjoy clothes and experimenting with a more edgy style now I’m older. It doesn’t have to be a slow decline into oblivion if you don’t want it to be.

Perhaps you need to overhaul your style? Better clothes, hair and make up? I’m in my 40s so a bit younger but I’m not invisible and can’t imagine being so at 50. I’m better looking and dressed than I was in my 20s. I always get noticed and treated with more respect now. It’s likely a confidence thing and like you say realising your own mortality.

It’s a relief to me. Unwanted attention from men started when I was 10, walking to school wearing my uniform. Men shouting lewd comments from a white van. I still remember the shame and confusion I felt. That unwanted attention continued for decades, even when I had my young children with me. I’m nothing special, I just happen to be female. At 55 it’s recently petered off thank God. I don’t miss it.

You talk.as though you are the only person that getting older has ever happened to OP!

She wasn’t. She was expressing how she felt and wanting to discuss it with other women.

I also think the opposite applies, women this age are dangerous. We have opinions, we’re less people pleasing now with less oestrogen, more experience and less fucks to give. That’s why the patriarchy wants us to be invisible and to shut up. Hence all the ‘Karen’ bullshit.

I've always had opinions tbh