AIBU to feel sad about ageing and becoming invisible?

[Madformaltesers]

Been out tonight for a family meal..I'm mum (single parent) out with three sons and spouses all in their thirties, i am in my fifties.
I am old, it’s evident, when I am out, i like a dance but I'm old and they were not playing any 80s music!
I've come home, realising I wont ever turn heads again, I've been there, done that and Im now invisible.
I will never be youthful again.
God I feel sad, I am successful, my children, grandchildren are amazing and my legacy but the absolute sadness that my life is marching on has really upset me.

It could well be the fact you’ve lost your parents OP. Once my DF died I suddenly had a totally different perspective on ageing. I am the old one in the family, the wise one at work. And with my friends I’m the same person I’ve always been. There’s something to really enjoy in each of those spheres. But I’ll never stop missing the unconditional love my mum and dad gave me right up to my 60s, the way they always saw potential in me to grow and be ‘more’, that seems to have gone now.

I totally get it. I felt like this about 4 years ago, when I was 52. Almost overnight I seemed to get jowls, a turkey neck, hooded eyes and eye bags.

I took the plunge and had surgery to fix everything. Honestly, it's been life changing for me. I'm 56 now and feel amazing. I could probably pass for 46, but I didn't do it for that. I quite like the gravitas that comes with being mid 50's. But I do look fresher. Turkey neck gone, jowls gone, eyes are no longer hooded and my eye bags have gone.

Could you consider that? I know it's not for everyone, but I honestly would do it all again in 10 years if I have to.

One rainy evening I was in Grantham meeting my daughter for a weekend break. I came out of the railway station to look for a taxi and one pulled up. A woman got out, she was dressed to the nines and made up beautifully. She looked STUNNING. She spoke to me as she was getting out the taxi and I said told her she looked fabulous. She smiled and thanked me - she was about 90!
So I can;t understand anyone feeling old at fifty. Just be thankful you had those years of being admired and attractive, some of us never had that - ever..

I've come home, realising I wont ever turn heads again, I've been there, done that and Im now invisible.

It sounds quite shallow. Is tuning heads that important to you?

Perhaps you need to be a bit more assertive? If I’m getting shi*ty service, I let them know. Something I probably wouldn’t have done when I was younger.

Yes, you’ll generally get treated differently as you age but often with more respect and I really love not giving a damn generally about what people think of me.

So you want attention and for other people to find you interesting?
Don’t you think that what other people want, why not start by giving them some attention and be interested in what they are doing.
Im old grey and wrinkly but I get lots of attention by being genuinely interested in other people. We all like to think other people like us.

Maybe it’s because I lost both parents as a child that at 64, I feel privileged to live the life my mother never got to do. So no, I don’t recognise your feeling. As long as you can still do all the things you want to do, then treasure your age. You can still be interested in clothes, style and talking to people even if it’s not based on attraction. You may find that as you age, you get more interested in other things. Try to find acceptance of your age-after all, you don’t want to be looking back age 75 on how you wish you’d appreciated being 55.

Don’t let the old woman in!

I’m in my 50s and I look after myself, wear nice clothes, ensure I stay glamorous. I read and listen to a lot of things because I’m curious, and that means that your conversation stays relevant and interesting.

Have a think about what you can do to inject a bit of spark into yourself not in a contrived way but simply say you feel happier with what you’re up to and how you come across. If you don’t know, current music spend some time with grandchildren listening to what they listen to and have fun doing it.

Recognising that you are the oldest living member of your family puts a certain sense of mortality into each of us. I'm in that position, although significantly older than you. I recently attended a family gathering where I was alone (it was in the States and my DH couldn't join me). I have no children, but my siblings all have with grandchildren. It made me feel different to them and at times excluded to some extent, but that's life. I'm glad that I'm still alive and able to be with them: two of my brothers aren't with us. I think I would sympathise with your lament about "invisibility" a bit more if you were being left out or forgotten by your children or those who you care about and think should care about you. This does happen to some people unfortunately. It doesn't sound as if that's your situation.

I’m a very plain woman in my late 50’s. I’m happy to be invisible to leering men. I’ve never felt the need to be validated by that.

I don’t feel invisible to anyone else though. I find it easier than ever to connect with people. Maybe because I’m no longer a threat? I love chatting with anyone, young, old, male female. I find my 50s very empowering tbh.

I also feel sad that you think you can only dance to 80s music. Maybe being stuck in the past is part of why you feel as you do? You’ve got to keep moving forward positively!

I think it is very much how you perceive yourself and how you project yourself

if you feel low and insignificant and “don’t mind me” that is how you get treated

personally I like being in my 50s (55 last week) and having grown up kids, and seeing how beautiful all the young people are, and not feeling any pressure to look like them, not being chatted up by random men, but still always meeting new people and talking to people of any age, and I do not feel invisible at all

i just feel invisible to predatory males now 😁 but that is a blessing

I think you are possibly conflating lots of feelings you have about losing your parents recently, that is a huge deal and you need to be very kind and gentle on yourself and give yourself time to process all these feelings

but feeling invisible or that you do not matter, is hopefully just a passing phase where you are adjusting until you find the full glory of being a VIP kick-ass Matriarch 😊💕

This. Plus hang out with some older friends! Average 10 years older than you will do the job nicely...
I thought this was going to be a post about ageing and infirmity/managing health conditions. If you are unaffected by those then you are surely lucky!!

I love being invisible. In fact I encourage it. I had a lifetime of attention between 16 and fifty (a lot of it unwanted) and now i just want to be left in peace.

I've signed back in after years of not posting because I'd like to express empathy with the OP.
I can totally relate to her experience and also know that whilst I am grateful for my health, being alive etc it in no way is helpful to be told to be so or that what we're feeling is just a state of mind.
I wasn't a looker when I was young but I realise now that youth was a power in itself and that has gone, never to return. I took for granted the energy I had and I was so slim but just felt 'skinny'. I wish I'd had the no fucks left to give attitude then that I have now and had been able to grab life fully.
Remember that saying that youth is wasted on the young. It exists for a reason.
I've worked with younger colleagues with whom I thought I had great, fun relationships but when they organised nights out without me or said I was like a 'fun mum' to them I realised they didn't see me as an equal but as an older lady. It hurt.
I usually feel content with my lot and happy to be invisible but sometimes the sad feelings overwhelm me. I often wonder if my late mum ever felt this way.
I'm glad you have been to the gym and are feeling better OP. There's some good advice on the thread.

I don’t agree that older women are invisible. I find I’m invisible to young people but men my own age (approx 60) still check me out. Older people who are divorced or widowed often manage to meet a new partner. I think older people can still be attractive to others if they have interests, a positive outlook, and a sense of humour. A few grey hairs don’t matter. Maybe make your peace with the external signs of aging and work on feeling better about yourself and projecting that.

I am 55 and don’t feel invisible.

OP, you have three adult kids who sound like they have ‘launched’ and who have spouses and they want to spend their time with you. You have hit the jackpot!

Is the main issue that you maybe felt a bit left out of some of the chat yesterday? It’s natural that the young folk have more in common and ended up talking together. You just have to get back into the conversation somehow and don’t overanalyse it.

I do have wistful moments about time passing etc. Then I see my parents in their 80s and realise I may have a few decades left before old age.

I love fashion and style and don’t feel invisible. I won’t ever use botox etc but look pretty good.

And more than ever, I am investing in my friendships. I never want to be an older person who is dependent on their kids. I make sure I see lots of my friends, even when busy and tired with work. I go to the theatre with them and we go out for dinner. I keep in touch via WhatsApp and I keep connected.

I am convinced that social interactions keep you feeling young and that’s what I intend to do.

For me it’s about being so invisible people just walk into me like I am not there and seem absolutely surprised that there was something in their way.

I travel around for work. It’s when I arrive at a job and what I am booked to do is ignored and I get put in the shittiest job away from members of the public.
I have to watch the young women struggle at a job I am good at and find easy and have more stamina than nearly all of the young people who do this work.
Image is everything and it doesn’t matter how good you are at your job or how physically capable you are if you are old and a woman and are doing a job that supposedly anyone can do, when faced with me or someone 40 years my junior who has no experience of the job and gets tired very easily, it seems to be the incapable who get the best work and us oldies are hidden away.

It’s the fact that people on here are saying it doesn’t happen or if it does we somehow should be grateful for it.

I think it's a state of mind as at 63 I don't feel invisible. Ok I don't get that sort of male attention on the whole but I don't want it and it always made me uneasy anyway. But I work with people of all ages, I chat to everybody I meet and get positive vibes from people. I definitely feel relatively old when out with thirty and forty year olds and they look blank if you mention something well known from the seventies and eighties but that's to be expected as I know I am decades older than them. Getting older and seeing seventy approaching isn't a thrilling thought but I will count my blessings if I get it there and beyond kknowing as plenty don't get that chance.

Well, I'm 63 and have never felt invisible. I just get out there and engage with people of all ages. I think you're just having a bit of a wobble - I had one when I turned 50. Though I do find it utterly tedious when people parrot "getting older is better than the alternative" as if we didn't know that.

Be grateful for the fact you did turn heads, once upon a time. I never have - I was young and ugly, now I'm middle aged and ugly. The invisibility of middle age is an absolutely joy to me because I no longer get insulted by random men for my audacity in not being someone they'd want to shag.

I do struggle to have much sympathy with people who seem to think they are entitled to lots of superficial attention, compliments, people taking an interest in them solely on the basis of their looks, and then get upset when their looks fade and they're no longer the centre of attention - welcome to my world!

Do what the rest of us have always had to do - cultivate your personality and listening skills so you will get attention and admiration from people who actually matter, people who are genuinely interested in you as a person, not just men who want to shag you.

Being in your 50s is not old. I am almost 70 and find it very freeing. I don’t have the responsibilities of children now, my children and grandchildren are all doing well.
I still work 2 days a week for the NHS which
I enjoy. Maybe I don’t turn heads any more but there is a peace around that for me and I have had my day in the sun although I still look after myself.
I think ageing is a mindset especially if you are fortunate enough to have good health.
My precious daughter passed away at 42 so I am conscious that growing older is a privilege although I realise a lot of us find it hard x

I couldn’t imagine anything worse (in this context) than men of my age group (60s) checking me out. To be honest I don’t want any men checking me out anymore, but at least I might forgive a good looking 35 yr old 😂

Christ, this thread is depressing! I am 58 and didnt feel old at all til i read this thread! Most of my acquaintances are a similar age at least, anf and 2 of my 4 grown up children i see every day. So maybe that is why?

Me too - it’s so liberating and very relaxing. And I wear big boots and take up space. I never smile and make a point of this. I just be who I am naturally - as in - just a person. I am in my 50s and I do purposely adopt some of the social comfort normally owned by men. Frowning, hands on hips, woman spreading, pavement chicken, going to places on my own, not being domesticated, being financially independent, building things. Turning heads - that’s men who are probably with girlfriends and wives - ick central and many partners have to normalise it though it’s quite humiliating really.

@FairKoala that issue with your work sounds shit. Can you really not talk to your HR department about it? Or have a firm word with your boss? Please don’t just accept it.