AIBU to feel sad about ageing and becoming invisible?

[Madformaltesers]

Been out tonight for a family meal..I'm mum (single parent) out with three sons and spouses all in their thirties, i am in my fifties.
I am old, it’s evident, when I am out, i like a dance but I'm old and they were not playing any 80s music!
I've come home, realising I wont ever turn heads again, I've been there, done that and Im now invisible.
I will never be youthful again.
God I feel sad, I am successful, my children, grandchildren are amazing and my legacy but the absolute sadness that my life is marching on has really upset me.

I'm sorry that you're feeling like that @Madformaltesers
I'm 56 & i absolutely do not!
I am married & happy with dh so that helps but besides that i am in pretty good shape. I've lost 24lbs in past 18mths (diet). I'm 5ft 9" size 12.
I love clothes & style & imo dress v well as i take an interest
I'm v active - work, travel, wide social circle & now dc are in their 20s i have the freedom & money to pursue my own intetests
I had a great 30s & 50s is feeling similar !

I think you're projecting there.

What do you mean by that? Just my lived recent experience.

I love being invisible. No pressure to look good, no ones going to picking apart my look anymore.

I think you're assuming the presence of your daughter made the difference. I doubt it did. Running a restaurant is a very precarious business - turning customers away when there is space would be a very odd thing to do. You (general you) get a table if a table is free, if there aren't tables free, you don't.

Seriously?? You were once pleased with yourself that you could 'turn heads'? But that 'skill' was absolutely nothing to do with you! It was just the way you were born. You take no credit for it whatever so why would you be proud of it?
What is really special about you personally? Where is the world a better place because of you? I'm sure there are loads of examples. We are not how we are perceived.

You take no credit for it whatever so why would you be proud of it?

LOL intelligence is also something people are born with but noone says its wrong to be proud if you get into Oxford or do similarly well in your field.

Yeah. It’s likely the poster lacks confidence due to getting older. Plus we all think our children are gorgeous. Most other people are just getting on with their own lives. Not paying attention to others.

You still have to work to get into Oxford and do well in your field.

the posters saying:

I’d never allow myself to be ignored/I demand good service/you’d always hear her coming/I’m bolshy and confident/just chat to people/put yourself out there

or variations thereof, are missing the point. It’s the shift from being sought out and always accommodated to having to solicit interactions that little bit more that I find difficult to accept.

it’s not about confidence, or wearing the wrong clothes, or “letting the old lady in” (although I like the description).

I’m as fit as I’ve ever been, professionally at the top of my game, my DC are living their best lives, DH and I have fun, I have hobbies and interests, I sit in the board of a charity, chair another in the arts sector. I’m surrounded by interesting people with whom I have meaningful engagement.

But there been a subtle shift around how I’m desired (not just in a romantic/sexual way) and I think it’s ok to be sad at that - even if life is good.

Me too. I’ve got some nice features if I do say so but I’ve always struggled with my weight to varying degrees and I have my own style which a lot of people don’t like.
My younger sister is the type that would get into clubs no bother, constantly chatted up etc. This made it even harder to accept that I was never going to be that type.
It’s so hard when you’re younger. But I got over it eventually and because I have already worked on accepting myself with flaws, and settled down with someone who doesn’t expect me to be perfect, I think I am finding it so much easier entering into middle age.
As for getting served in bars, just shove your way to the front. I learned to do this years ago because otherwise I could never get served. It doesn’t help being short either.

Ageing is a privilege not afforded to all, the way to stop being invisible is for you to make yourself visible. I am 55 and am and am the oldest in my office, I’m old enough to be every co-worker’s mother and there’s 20+ of them. I chat with them about films, tv, music, ask them about their lives. I’m valued as their colleague, they know I’m good at my job, approachable and helpful. The last thing I am is invisible to them. It helps that my DC are a similar age to them as I have some understanding of what life is like for them and some of the challenges they face.

This worked entirely the opposite way for me. Men were enraged by the sight of me. The verbal and physical abuse, at one stage every time I left the house meant that I stopped going out.

I turn heads when I make myself look conventionally attractive (takes more effort now) but the other stuff has thankfully stopped. I was last raped at 46 and at 50 I am hoping men are finally done with their abuse.

I fucking hate men as a group. Being young and beautiful ruined my life and brought nothing but trouble.

Im sorry that happened to you @Dreamcatcherat50 .
Seems like some women feel they lose some of their 'worth' when they are older and therefore no longer attractive (not that being older is unattractive but it must be a shock if you used to be noticeable and are suddenly invisible).
Im lucky in that Ive pretty much always been invisible! In fact I look forward to being a little old lady in need of assistance. I plan on milking it for all its worth!😃

But there been a subtle shift around how I’m desired (not just in a romantic/sexual way) and I think it’s ok to be sad at that - even if life is good.

I don't disagree completely, but I think it's worth really thinking about what the desire did for you psychologically. I've never been stunning, but generally attractive (and have relatively big breasts). I was harassed at work, relentlessly cat called and whistled at on the street, asked out by men who had no real interest in my mind or personality, and one summer I can remember in particular, groped constantly on the metro in Paris. I spent so much time and effort trying to look taller, less curvy and more severe so I'd be taken seriously at work. But I never really enjoyed it, because I always knew it was both fleeting and not really about me.

I'm older than the OP, but I do have the time and money to take really good care of myself, and I still feel visible. While I don't get the constant attention, I do still get the occasional glance on the street, the flirtatious man at a party. While waiting for a friend in a restaurant recently, I was chatted up by the man at the next table who asked for my number (I'm very happily married, so not interested). It's not the same, but that doesn't bother me.

TBH, I was very rarely looked at even when I was young. I was (and still am) a plain Jane. I've been pretty much invisible my whole life. I've never been in the slightest bit bothered, and am happy to become even more invisible as I get older. I can continue just merrily going on with my life without being hassled or bothered.

I’m sorry about how you’re feeling, OP, but I’m really grateful to you for starting this thread, because this thread has really cheered me up! Heading into my late 50s and having a bit of a “who am I?” crisis, so the positive replies from women in their 60s-plus 🥰

It happens to everyone, eventually.

However, we live in a world now where 50s is not considered old. In fact, often people in their 50s are often having a better time of it than those in their 20s. More financially stable, own home and have great memories of a time before social media and ultra corporate tech companies took over. I see people in their 50s out in pubs, at gigs and on amazing holidays.

Plus, many guys (and women) adore women in their 50s as they are attracted to their mature, more stable personality. Plus, they tend to look more natural as many don’t go in for all the Botox etc.

Perfect.
👌🏽

@Madformaltesers theres so much amazing music around, it dosnt have to be eighties or nothing, be open minded, get Spotify and just let it choose you tunes based on things you like , try different styles of clothes, hair etc, it’s easy to get in a rut and feel unattractive but you are still young in the scheme of things, plenty of women your age go out to gigs, try new things.
look at pictures of famous people online who have similar hair colour , age and body type to you, experiment with clothes like theirs and try to find your own style, even a style consultant if you have money.
women your age still turn heads and get attention and make new friends, just broaden your world, join local meet up groups, get creative etc.
make your life fun again

But being invisible is fantastic, OP! No fuss, no hassle, and you no longer need to give a wotsit! Honestly, you're coming into the best time of your life - I'm older than you and I genuinely have no idea what there is to feel sad about.

I don't recognise this AT ALL. I've always had to make the effort and have felt weird if people foisted themselves on me. I guess you must have experienced life very differently somehow. Personally I think people are more pleased now when I talk to them than they were when I was 25.

Another thing is that young people are assumed to know nothing and have no money or influence. It's so much easier in later life to be assumed to have the right to be in the room.

I'm.sorry youre feeling like this. It doesn't have to be like that, its a mindset.

Im probably as visible if not more in my late 40's than 20's. I have an inner confidence that I am what I am like it or not now.

I volunteer and am involved in the community. I have interesting chats with interesting people.

Getting this confidence is tricky but you need to get out there, stop trying to be youthful and just be you, doing your thing.

I think it’s more to do with what is often going on in your life during your fifties. Looking after aging parents, worrying about adult children and trying to keep up at work. Menopause itself can be very different for women but as you enter post menopause you start to notice irreversible changes. For me the turning point was giving up a stressful full time business and going very part time. I sold my business and used the profit to live off until my pension kicked in. I am still getting used to having so much free time and it’s taken me a while to totally relax.
Unfortunately, my late fifties have been difficult due to DH and I having health problems with the addition of a few close bereavements but DH is due to have his knee replaced this month and we will hopefully be able to start enjoying the activities we planned for our retirement. He should have had it done 5 yrs ago but covid and his health issue got in the way. He does encourage me to go out and do stuff but I feel really guilty leaving him to go and enjoy myself when he can join me.

I love it no gross leering men trying it on to get a shag. I’d sooner be invisible.