AIBU to feel sad about ageing and becoming invisible?

[Madformaltesers]

Been out tonight for a family meal..I'm mum (single parent) out with three sons and spouses all in their thirties, i am in my fifties.
I am old, it’s evident, when I am out, i like a dance but I'm old and they were not playing any 80s music!
I've come home, realising I wont ever turn heads again, I've been there, done that and Im now invisible.
I will never be youthful again.
God I feel sad, I am successful, my children, grandchildren are amazing and my legacy but the absolute sadness that my life is marching on has really upset me.

I’m sorry for your recent losses. That makes your feelings clear and understandable. Hope you feel better soon.

No she doesnt -I think thats really unkind.

OP is allowed to talk about how she feels - if she feels "old" then she is allowed to say it. Just because she feels a certain way doesnt mean noone in the entire world has ever felt the same and she never said that- by that rationale we wouldnt be able to discuss any feeling whatsoever because someone, somewhere has also experienced it.

That doesnt make her feelings invalid. If you are bereaved for example, the pain doesnt magically go away just because others have experienced that feeling too. Thats ridiculous.

OP- you are allowed to feel this way but I wouldnt marinate in it. Instead I would look for ways to boost your confidence and people have given some great suggestions.

The thing is it’s better than the other option! I’m 70 and am loving life. Lots of new clothes (lots from Vinted and M&S) Travel a lot, eat out, go to exhibitions and live music. I went through a bit of a phase feeling like this and I started to exercise more, lost weight, got my underactive thyroid treated. I find it helps to always have things in the diary. I hope you feel better soon.

I’m your age, a mum too, and I can relate to some of what you say, not others.

Firstly, why can’t you dance unless the music is from the 80s?! If you stay stuck in the past like that, you will feel old as the past marches further and further away from you. I love to dance too and go to ‘alternative’ dance things and dance to all types of music with people from a range of ages, and yes at some I’m the oldest person there. But I love it.

I don’t recognize what you say about feeling invisible to the general population in normal life. Maybe you were a stunner when younger and got lots of attention, but I don’t really notice much or any ( more likely not any) difference here. I do however, go to various groups where I mix with a lot of people younger than me and older than me, so I am use to chatting with people across generations and not feeling invisible.

Where I do notice a difference is in sexual attention from men. I dislike these threads from women saying they love the loss of this, I don’t. I loved dressing up, going out and getting checked out by men. I loved that feeling of dressing up and looking good. Despite how some on here try to make someone like me feel ashamed for feeling like this.m, I am unashamed by it. It’s perfectly normal for a heterosexual woman to enjoy male sexual attention. The species would have been in trouble if we didn’t! We’ve evolved to like that feeling, and no amount of feminist discourse can undo it. Male sexual harassment is shit, but normal male sexual attention just feels good. I still have a sex drive and I do feel the loss of make sexual
attention. It was fun.

But that doesn’t bother me as much as the physical decline of aging. Eyes needing glasses to see, injuring more easily, recovering more slowly, fitness dropping off a cliff if I can’t exercise for a while, taking longer to recover between gym sessions. And of course, fucking menopause!

In short OP, ageing sucks. I sympathize. But I do recommend living life to the full anyway. Maybe you are feeling invisible because you have stopped initiating interactions with people? One of the people I chat to most at one group is not even 30! I’m literally old enough to be his Mum. But we still get along really well as fellow humans!

As I get older I’m letting my true style come out and I am getting noticed again. It’s nothing wacky but I don’t follow fashion or the minimalist palette that’s so obvious in anybody doing it.

I also speak a lot more with strangers and ask outright if I need info.

invisibility has given me a superpower!

I was so self conscious, uncomfortable in my skin and unhappy when I was young...

I also had so many experiences of being treated poorly by men and even abused.

In my 50s I finally gained self confidence, accepted myself and I am much happier now and stopped caring about what men and people in general think about me.

Whatever is said on here, I think it's natural to miss turning heads etc as you get older. It's nice to feel attractive, I'm sure men feel the same way not just women.

But there are so many advantages too, like if I feel like calling into a pub or restaurant for a small glass of wine and a meal when I'm on my own I do so, knowing I won't get stared at or spoken to, whereas I'd never have done that in the olden days! Plus I can travel solo too now and not get harassed.

Occasionally I do get hit on by older men 70 plus (probably on the look-out for a nurse with a purse) and it brings back all those memories of how damn annoying it was! 😆

If you believe that you're invisible and that you will be overlooked, then that's the energy you'll give off and you WILL be overlooked.

I'm in my 60s. No fucker will overlook me. Unless I choose to be less visible in a certain situation

Get some help (counselling/therapy). You have decades of living left to do. Learn to appreciate that you are important and highly visible - if that's what you want to be

I appreciate you have explained that you didn’t mean only invisible to men but in my experience it is only men whose attitude is so noticeably different to me as a now middle aged woman.

They are so transparently sizing us up for their sexual desires and if we don’t appeal to them for shagging puposes then we are indeed invisible.

When it comes to themselves though neither age, weight, wrinkles, grey hair - all the normal parts of ageing which apparently deem us no longer worthy of notice - none of these things matter at all.

Middle aged and older men are (in their heads) still gods of masculinity and fertility bestriding the earth ready to spread their seed on lucky nubile younger women.

I only wish most men were actually invisible.

I certainly didn't mean to be unkind.

I don't read the OP as talking about how she feels. I read her making the statements as though they are facts about herself.

Of course she is entitled to feel however she wants. But given, if she is only in her 50s, that she likely has at least another 30 years to live, it seems pretty sad to think of yourself as old when in fact you are arent in relation to your expected life span. OP is actually still virtually middle-aged.

It makes me really annoyed when people buy into this conception that aging is a crime. Of course their are lots of downsides to aging - failing health and social isolation being the main ones imo. But older people should value themselves as equals and not be pushed into this notion they are somehow lesser because they are older.

It's a state of mind really, imo. Op, you probably miss a happy period in your life and envy your dc? Are you part of the group or in silence on the edge? Chatting or feeling left out?

I look different now- rounder, wrinklier, saggier:) despite keeping up running pilqtes and hiit training. Its just an age thing, it was always going to happen!

but I'm still me, chatty, interested in others no matter their age. So I only feel invisible when I want. Which comes in handy sometimes. I dance to anything, which is probably when I'm invisible. Hope so, I'm a shit dancer.

It's def preferable to the alternative

I see loads of visible older people. It’s a state of mind for them, not necessarily what they look like or what they are wearing.

But @Madformaltesers I get why you posted. I can feel like that sometimes when I’m down, but you can do something about it, @ProperDeep’s post is good.

She literally said: "God I feel sad, I am successful, my children, grandchildren are amazing and my legacy but the absolute sadness that my life is marching on has really upset me."

You say "It makes me really annoyed when people buy into this conception that aging is a crime. Of course there are lots of downsides to aging - failing health and social isolation being the main ones imo. But older people should value themselves as equals and not be pushed into this notion they are somehow lesser because they are older."

But you cant just tell someone to feel a certain way if they dont believe it within themselves. Your statement is true but if someone doesnt believe it then it will be meaningless to them wont it? Of course ageing isnt a crime but considering the youth obsessed world we live in, which women especially have been exposed to since birth, you are expecting people to swim against the tide and whilst it can be done, its not an easy thing to navigate and its ok to feel a bit wobbly at time. Noone has it all together all of the time and expressing vulnerability and seeking support isnt going to be fixed by simply saying "well just be grateful you arent dead yet". Thats dismissive and doesnt actually help.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here.
I kind of get it OP. I was one of those people who turned heads on a night out and got quite a bit of attention. You do get used to that and you do notice when it drops off.
It’s not that I want the attention, or want people to look at me, but it’s like a little reminder that time has moved on.

I have daughters I have noticed that often mothers who only have sons realise this later. The realisation for me was my daughters hitting mid teen years noticing what young plump skin is, how clothes should look, etc etc. Whereas I noticed friends with only boys didn't notice their own ageing till much later. It is interesting and I personally didn't find it hard at all I enjoyed giving away a few expensive pieces of clothing etc I had saved to them. I haven't put this very eloquently but I think having young women in the house is a reality check about how much the mother has aged long before you go out and notice you don't turn heads any longer 😀

This narrative has been pushed for decades, it’s nonsense and misogynistic, ageist nonsense at that. I see plenty of fabulous women of all ages daily and I do think it comes down to your own attitude and how you hold yourself. It’s easy to say but try to care a little less about what other people think. I’m only in my early 30s but I’ve seen my mum fall for this ‘I’m invisible’ trap and the more she claims it and repeats it the more it becomes true. It’s utter nonsense, give it no further headspace and just live your life. I do think some therapy or counselling could help too.

Totally understand where you're coming from. I was just thinking this morning about my life ten years ago, mid 50s and was thankful that the sadness similar to yours was fleeting and so I got on with my life.

It will pass. I have a good friend who is also getting the sad feeling, she's 55. However she's gradually getting out of it. She's such good fun and has a wacky sense of humour.

I'm 62, feel and look better than I did in my 50s, I take more interest in clothes and feel really good for my age. The trick is not to let the old lady in, once you think you're old you will be. I look forward to ageing with fun, laughter and a bit of flirting x

I feel you OP.

I think you may have had an existential moment. The realisation that your youth has gone and your parents no longer on this earthly plain has smacked you in the face with the fact that you're "older".

We all have these moments, be kind to yourself, us ladies in our 50s have something better than youth, we have lived experience.

Enjoy your Sunday xx

@Madformaltesers you are in your prime.
Grown up sons with grandchildren ( sorry I may have got that bit wrong). That's life's champagne moment. You can borrow the littlies but give them back!

I still get lots of attention but I'm nosy and chat to everyone.
I'm 60 and semi retired due to health issues but I dress up and go out with a smile. A famous football manager sent me a drink over in a restaurant last year and I'm glamorous but not beautiful.
Make a plan to live a bigger life. Buy clothes you truly love. My bff is 65 next week and she's just bought a new business. Life is for living.

You are not invisible to everyone. Make a point of noticing and being interested in people your age and above, and you may make some very satisfying new connections.

Are you ok being single? My mate most decidedly is not and is very honest about it all to me, she is a little older than you and finding it very difficult, twice divorced. She finds being with couples reminds her too much that she is alone.

I feel annoyed that time has marched on and unless I live to 120 I have more years behind me. There will be books and films that are amazing that I will never know, world events and then mainly all the things my family does that I will never know about.

Beauty when combined with youth offers power. Obviously there are beautiful older women etc but the power is gone. Posters saying you can still be vibrant etc of course you can however perhaps they never experienced the head turning OP is talking about. It occurs before anyone has spoken to you, it is a benefit in a road rage incident for example where when I was young as soon as the other driver saw me after any minor altercation the anger would dissipate, being stopped by an authority figure eg police would always result in a smile and not a fine. Alll these things are in the past for me now due to age 😂

YABU, how can anyone truly give a single f about this?

@Madformaltesers You have added something that makes much more sense now, how you are the top layer generation. We still have MIL she is not in the least wise but there is something about having another layer above generation wise that is a comfort, I’m sorry for the loss of your parents recently no wonder you feel like time is fleeting.