AIBU to feel sad about ageing and becoming invisible?

[Madformaltesers]

Been out tonight for a family meal..I'm mum (single parent) out with three sons and spouses all in their thirties, i am in my fifties.
I am old, it’s evident, when I am out, i like a dance but I'm old and they were not playing any 80s music!
I've come home, realising I wont ever turn heads again, I've been there, done that and Im now invisible.
I will never be youthful again.
God I feel sad, I am successful, my children, grandchildren are amazing and my legacy but the absolute sadness that my life is marching on has really upset me.

YABU. I have decentred men from my life, they are now peripheral at best. Once you do that you will see that the ones worth talking to are not the ones that lech and stare. They are the ones that see you as a human being. And aging won’t affect that. Men looking at you is superficial validation at best. I have fun by deliberately not dressing or behaving for the male gaze. Google it.

Hi OP,

Your posts were late at night so I'm guessing you were tired, maybe had been drinking and coming off a bad night.

Maybe it was just a bad night?

You're not old or invisible in your 50s. You're never invisible. Maybe you felt invisible in that particular environment though? I remember feeling similarly at one point when circumstances had me the only mid thirties person surrounded by people at least ten years younger. They would lean over me to speak to each other and it got worse with every drink.

If you love music and dancing then choose gigs and nights out with your own vibe.

I actually got totally sick of nights out - which was a complete 180 for me - and became really passionate about fitness.

Finally and probably the least important part but do you need a glow-up?

Bottom line - don't let these thoughts in. It's not the truth, it's just your perception and that can be changed.

Getting old is a privilege many don't get to enjoy.

Lean in to it, embrace it, make the most of it.

I don’t think age = invisible, unless you let it.

Of course, let’s be realistic, the days of turning heads and having men (or women) list after you might be over. But I know plenty of 50+ who have more life and get up and go than people less than half their age.

And, of course, it goes without saying that being 50+ is better than the alternative.

You talk.as though you are the only person that getting older has ever happened to OP!

It reads as the reverse to me. That we all get invisible as we age, which is true to the extent that we allow it to be.

I was just coming to say this. I turn 50 next year and was feeling down about it until DD best friend was killed last summer aged 21. I now realise what a bloody privilege it is to still be here, to be healthy and have a wonderful family and happy life. Yes I am looking older but so what I am going to rock my 50s and appreciate the life I have because DD friend won't ever see 22, it has been very sobering.

I get moments like this, and I understand your sadness. But I love the fact that I now don't care what other people think about my clothes, lifestyle etc. I think as you get older it brings a certain freedom too. And I do the stuff I really enjoy now , gardening, cycling, riding. I no longer attend events that I don't wish to go to. It's a small life but I love it

What I find kind of weird about these types of threads is realising what people like the OP must have always thought about people like me. I don't think I've ever not been 'invisible'. I've never had much if any male attention while out and about. I have plenty of male and female friends, a husband, kids. Am not at all disgusting to look at, just not glamorous or charismatic. But invisible? Bit dismissive. No, people don't walk into me in the streets because they can't see me.

It is ok to be sad, but don't dwell on it, look for the positives. It's a privilege to grow old.

Put your glad rags on, make the most of your appearance to give you confidence. Paint a smile on your face, hold your head high & get out there!
That's what I do & I don't feel invisible. Just a few weeks ago on a night out, i got chatted up by a lovely man around my age. He said my hair was lovely & I had beautiful eyes. Whilst I don't need validation or attention from a man it still put a spring in my step. If you let yourself become invisible then you will be treated as invisible.

Maybe this is only an issue for people who were extremely attractive in their youth or something because I have never had loads of men ogling me even as a teen or in my 20s and even if I did I’d be oblivious to it. And all people are equally visible to me if I am out and about - I notice old and young people and I don’t get this whole discourse around “being invisible”.

It's perfectly fine to want to turn men's head and then miss that attention when you think it's gone. Lots of women feel that way.

As far as the other stuff, if you feel insecure, people will treat you that way and you'll start to feel that way regardless of how they treat you.

Something that has really helped me is remembering our purpose in life and that it doesn't end here. Also, lots of younger people are very silly. I'm glad to have left youth behind, in exchange for some wrinkles, when I think about how chaotic younger life was for absolutely no reason.

See, those things I find easier as I'm less afraid to use my voice or posture to get what I need!
I do miss turning heads however I think I'm in good shape and look good for my age. I look great in clothes now..I feel sorry when men scan to the face 😅. Joking.
I recently started a new job. The induction was generic so was full of graduates whilst my job you need significant experience for. I honestly couldn't have been mummy to all of them, the age gap was thus. However, I was so impressed by their skills, education and desire to thrive. I wish I'd have had their confidence at that age.

Good 😊 I wasn’t suggesting otherwise.

It’s sad if you feel invisible in your family and friend groups that’s not right.

Yes the head turner sexual thing goes. I find it quite a relief. Dd2 at 17 is extremely conventionally attractive and tall (gets scouted everytime we go to London so it’s not my mum goggles) and it’s like being with a minor celebrity it’s mental.

I was quite dressed up in a famous art gallery in London and a gorgeous young French man came up and complimented me on my outfit! He just said “dress, shoes, coat all of it - love it” then walked off! Made my day!

I think mentality has a lot to do with it, OP, you sound like you have written yourself off. People will pick up on this, and if you allow yourself to become a wallflower, it's not other people's job to stop you and drag you back to life; that's your job, it is your life at the end of the day, you need to own it and live it.

I'm in my 50's, and yes, I'm conscious of my age and the changes in my appearance, but I don't feel invisible; people still notice me. I know I have a lot to give, so I make sure I'm heard, and I contribute.

Totally agree with this. Yes we are no longer at our sexual attractive peak but have so much more to offer now. I enjoy seeing a young person looking gorgeous I had my time in the sun! And men used to get weird and sometimes aggressive with me when I was under 25 that’s all gone

I'm 67 and don't care if I'm invisible...although at 6 foot I don't think I am!
I love contemporary music, have 10 gigs booked this year, spin 3 times a week, and enjoy the company of young people. I had a horrific bereavement 2 years ago which I know has aged me in my face but life is out there....no point choosing to.live in the shadows.

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad. Listen to some new music for a start, there are so many great bands and singers around now. Don't be stuck in the 80s music scene. Buy some new clothes, try a new hairstyle. Do some fun things just for you. Enjoy yourself. You could live another 50 years!

I feel invisible in that I no longer get attention from most men. But I’m not invisible in shops and definitely not when trying to get served at bars. I refuse to stand in these ridiculous new queues in pubs, just walk up to the bar and always get served. Maybe it’s a confidence thing with you. I’m not sad about time marching on. I can’t to anything about it so just crack on.

@Crwysmam why can't we wear leggings? I didn't get that meno.

It’s difficult to describe but in my 20s/30s there was definitely a feeling that people wanted to be around me and that has perhaps waned. I can certainly still strike up a chat but previously I wouldn’t have had to. There’s definitely less unsolicited social interaction.

It’s only with hindsight I realise how much my engagement was sought and truthfully how much I enjoyed the warmth that comes with that. Conversations were more readily offered at parties or events; a laugh with the barman; a compliment from the waitress.

It’s not that connection has disappeared, but it sometimes feels less spontaneously offered and more dependent on my effort or context (I’m senior at work and juniors still fall over themselves to get in the lift with me).

Of course I don’t miss the perverts and weirdos - unfortunately they still seem to be everywhere! But I do miss those brief tiny flirtations with handsome young men that could really make your day.

Perfect typo 😀

Thanks for all the replies and the solidarity. I know I have a great life and much to be thankful for, health being one thing.
Have been to the gym and feel much better.
think my thoughts last night were a reflection on many things, losing both parents relatively recently and realising Im now the oldest in my family line.
No I hadn't been drinking and no it wasn't about looks or attracting men but the person who said about how society views ageing was spot on.

Do you think somehow its a single parent thing? A lot of what you said resonated with me as a fellow single parent. Mine are still young but its where you wonder as a single parent whether there is ever going to be a time where you have someone for yourself. I guess your children are much older and its become more evident you are alone/invisible. Before anyone says you should be happy alone, if you've spent years focussing on bringing up children alone, you can suddenly just feel quite low about there not being anyone else for you in the near future.