To not want to talk to my neighbours?

[Oncemorewithsome]

Until very recently we lived in a city. Where we have come from, neighbours generally don’t speak to each other. On the rare occasion someone has stuck around for a while, we might give a polite nod to each other or an ‘alright. In my area this is all very normal and not considered rude.

We just moved to a town. The new neighbours stopped to talk for about 20minutes. I am now feeling very claustrophobic about the whole idea of living with imposed socialising whenever you put the bins out. I really have no desire to chat to my neighbours unless there is some issue.

I know, I know I’m a grumpy old so and so…. But it’s honestly made me feel a bit worried. Do people talk to random people all the time in towns? What if you’re feeling rubbish and just want to get a job done are you obliged to stop and chat when you see people you know? The rules all seem different!

Learning how to keep conversations of any type (phone, in person, online messaging) to a duration that you want and not let the other person dictate the terms is an important skill to learn.
Some people on mumsnet do seem surprisingly poor at this though and feel resentful at replying to endless messages, listening to someone on the phone for an hour, talking to a neighbour for 20 minutes etc when they just need to learn to be politely assertive and leave/ not look at or reply to messages/ put the phone down with a cheerful goodbye after saying you have to go.
Social contacts are more stressful if you don't learn to actively control them so they suit you not the other person.

I find it strange that people don't want to at least know who they're living next door to or if it's a small road know who else is living near them.

I live in a small road where all the neighbours are friendly, most of us have lived here for over 20 years.

I find it really sad when an elderly person dies and their body lays undiscovered for weeks/months because the neighbours haven't bothered to check on them.

The same with the awful child abuse cases. Maybe if people took more notice of their neighbours more of the neglect/abuse could be stopped.

I literally saved my neighbour’s life when he had a cardiac arrest because we are on good terms, though have nothing in common whatsoever, and I recognised there was something going on from the noise and felt comfortable enough to go round and see if everything was ok.

Had we never been in contact I probably wouldn’t have recognised it or felt comfortable enough to “intrude”.

Being friendly and on good terms with neighbours is a good thing. My neighbours and I don’t socialise and we’re not close but we look out for eachother, we take each others bins in, we get our gutters done at the same time, we wave and have a quick chat when we see each other. If I desperately needed help I know I could ask them and vice versa.

Just a friendly wave each morning...

Everybody needs good neighbours.

I'm just on casual "y'alright?" terms with mine and their little girl always cuddles my dog when we see them (not often). In my M's street it's a proper little community, especially since Covid. In fact, there's a birthday party for one of them in the street today. Over sixty people are coming. Brilliant.

That’s ridiculous. She isn’t trying to “change the whole character” of the area - she doesn’t want to be involved at all! She’s not stopping anyone else being involved. They can all just carry on as normal.

If there are 20 houses on the street and 19 of those are occupied by people who want to be friends with the neighbours, why wouldn’t you just keep on talking to the other 18 households you were friendly with anyway, instead of str about one woman who just wants to be left alone?

Unless it was in the sales particulars, how was OP supposed to know she’d be under some obligation to have long chats with everyone - or that for some unknown reason, the people who DO like chatting to the neighbours would have to stop just because somehow who doesn’t has moved in?

You've missed the point of what I'm saying. She doesn't have to engage with her neighbours if she doesn't want to, of course. But a pp described normal neighbourly interactions as "intrusive"...as if such behaviour is inappropriate and should stop. I don't see why a whole community should stop interacting in a friendly way simply because a handful of antisocial newcomers don't like it. They will no doubt learn in time that the OP doesn't want to engage and leave her to it, but unless she is walking around with a sign on her head saying "please don't talk to me", then it is to be expected that her neighbours will carry on being their usual friendly selves because that is what's normal in their community.

Why? They are just people who live in your vicinity. If you get on with them, fine, but you don’t have to have anything in common with them or do anything past the odd smile.

No I meant they can’t expect someone to join the community because they happen to have moved into the same area. To expect that is unreasonable. And pushing your conversation to 20 minutes is intrusive.

Perhaps antisocial types need to learn better strategies for extracting themselves from conversations that they don't want to be a part of, rather than expecting everyone else around them to change their behaviour.

But surely all that means is she finds it intrusive? And if the OP steps back and avoids conversation, then her neighbours should soon learn that she’s not into chatting and will stick the those who ARE interested?

I saw hi and am polite but my neighbours aren’t my friends and we don’t socialise. Lived here 6 years and always been fine, no one has ever overstepped

I live in a small village where everyone knows everyone else. You can’t leave the house without having a conversation with someone!

See, I would hate that so it’s great that you see it as a positive. Hard luck on anyone who moves in and would find it suffocating

Live rurally and new neighbours moved in. They came around to introduce themselves and inform us they had moved from London to the countryside for peace and quiet and didn’t want interaction with others around them. Rude but fair enough. We respected that and didn’t speak. Eventually they needed help like candles in a power cut, someone to let the dog out, take a parcel in etc and found people were not forthcoming to help. She got upset and put the house on the market because she felt so isolated 😂. It’s absolutely fine to not talk to your neighbours and no one wants over bearing ones but occasionally in life you might need help and it’s good to know there are others around.

Sorry if someone's already said this - but you can be friendly without a 20 minute conversation

That is seriously odd behaviour. I absolutely would not take it upon myself to go and knock a stranger's (neighbour I don't know) door to tell them I don't want to be bothered.

It just doesn't make sense.

I got the impression we weren’t deemed worthy enough of their attention tbh

Unfortunately some people don’t think so. That’s why when people say an important social skill to extricate yourself from a conversation I roll my eyes. Some people don’t take the hint until you actually walk away mid sentence

It’s normal to talk to your neighbours in towns and villages.

Even more so if you don’t live in the south of England.

its practically compulsory in Scotland 🤣

if you don’t you will be perceived as rude and unfriendly.

I agree. Our new neighbours who haven't even reciprocated our "Hellos" have already made themselves appear standoffish- NE Scotland - I don't know why they and our previous neighbours who fell out with everybody who wouldn't be bossed around, buy houses where you're so close to each other.

He said he'd been a headmaster and thought that gave him the right to impose his perceived superiority on everybody else.

Sounds like you need to find better strategies for escaping conversations when you don't want to engage. Basic social skills like this can easily be improved with practice.

I don't ever struggle to shut down a conversation by rolling my eyes or walking away mid sentence. But your difficulties do go some way towards explaining why you're so eager to avoid normal neighbourly interactions.

^ This, exactly.

It takes no time at all, and costs nothing, to engage in small talk. You don't need to talk about serious stuff, or gossip, but it is good that neighbours know your name and that you could call on each other in an urgent situation, e.g. a flood, medical emergency, or if there's been a local crime or similar. Nobody is asking you to be their best friend, just a good neighbour.

Small polite chit chat is what makes small communities. I’m sure they dislike the city types moving in, making the place less friendly.
No need for a long chat, a polite hello won’t suck you in.

I'm in Ireland, talking to the neighbors is very common. In fact, not talking would be unusual.