To not want to talk to my neighbours?

[Oncemorewithsome]

Until very recently we lived in a city. Where we have come from, neighbours generally don’t speak to each other. On the rare occasion someone has stuck around for a while, we might give a polite nod to each other or an ‘alright. In my area this is all very normal and not considered rude.

We just moved to a town. The new neighbours stopped to talk for about 20minutes. I am now feeling very claustrophobic about the whole idea of living with imposed socialising whenever you put the bins out. I really have no desire to chat to my neighbours unless there is some issue.

I know, I know I’m a grumpy old so and so…. But it’s honestly made me feel a bit worried. Do people talk to random people all the time in towns? What if you’re feeling rubbish and just want to get a job done are you obliged to stop and chat when you see people you know? The rules all seem different!

We hardly talk to our neighbours but have no problem with them

Perhaps it should be one of the clauses in the estate agent’s documents (‘this is a community where everyone is expected to get on and know everyone’s business’) and then people could make a choice.

@Huckleberries No, I'm not being ageist, two of my best friends are in their 60's and 70's. I've nothing in common with them as I'm on my own, they are all married. I've never been offered lifts or help despite being a lone parent and I do struggle sometimes.

I guess I just don't currently live in a road that's 'neighbourly'. In the last road I lived in all our children used to play out together, it was an estate of all ages, but we had Street parties for the Queens Jubilee, Royal Wedding etc. I miss it.

My current home was marketed as 'for growing families, near good schools, etc'. Anyway better the devil you know. I'd rather live by neighbours that I have ones that are vile.

Thats not an age thing though. Don’t be ridiculous! Most of the ‘empty nesters’ I know are making the most of it.

You sound more annoyed that they don’t offer you help.

Not annoyed at all. Nope.

No they don't 'make the most of it', here anyway.

I live in a small, working-class coastal town and everyone talks to everyone else - I've had conversations with total strangers in the shops, in the street, while walking the dog etc. It would be considered incredibly rude to ignore someone who said hello or good morning.

If you don't want to chat, wear earphones (even if they're not playing anything).

“I've never been offered lifts or help despite being a lone parent and I do struggle sometimes.”

You certainly do SOUND annoyed.

I believe that the two people to
whom you refer are like that.
But some are like that in their 20s! So it’s nothing to do with age.

There is no need to be besties. Plenty between "i don't know who lives next to me" and "besties".

And most people fall somewhere in the middle.

I find it sad that people don't want to talk to their neighbours. You never know when you might need their help or they yours. In all 3 places I've lived, we've always chatted to the neighbours. We don't actually socialise together and definitely don't live in each other's pockets but we're always willing to help each other out. It's how I grew up, and when my DF died and my elderly DM was left living on her own 90 minutes away, I was grateful that both she and I had a relationship with the next door neighbours.
It's alright to say "sorry I'm in a rush today". You don't always have to develop a quick hello into a chat.

You will get to know the chatterboxes so you can run and hide.

I live in a culdesac on an estate and I say hi to anyone and recognise most people. There are a handful of people I’ll stop to chat with when I have time, and we’ve become quite good friends with the family across the street from us. It’s been super convenient many times - we found a pet sitter around the corner, people support my kids in various ways and there is a plant swap in the middle green every year which is lovely. I never worry though about saying when I don’t have time and I’d never get super personal with neighbours anyway as we are all going to carry on living here for years to come (people don’t really leave this estate very often, all our neighbours have been here for a decade or more)

But why is it sad? Each to their own. And sometimes the reason people don’t want to get involved is that their neighbours are not very nice people or gossipy.

I go to the pub with mine

Goodness! We live in a small hamlet and I can’t imagine ignoring my neighbours! Even if it’s just a brief greeting it just seems the natural thing to do. My daughter just moved into a new flat in London. It’s the middle of 3 floors and on her first day both upstairs and downstairs sets of neighbours came to introduce themselves and welcome her.

Sounds like it works well. My parents have lived in a cul de sac for forty years (as did I for a chunk of that) and most people have lived there at least 20 years. One set are friends and we would help each other but we only know two other sets. When you have at least one set who is a nosy gossip it tends to be a bit off putting

Of course it changes a community if lots of antisocial newcomers move in and don't even see themselves as living in a community.

Yes, the OP can buy a house and be as antisocial as she likes. I'm not saying that she has to make an effort. What I'm objecting to is you describing her neighbours' friendliness as "intrusive" when she has chosen to move into their close-knit community.

If you want to be a hermit, maybe go and live on a remote island or something. There is nothing remotely intrusive about people being friendly towards their neighbours.

@LiviaDrusillaAugustaObviously if your neighbours aren't nice people, then that's fine. But there was no indication of that from the OP. Their only 'crime' was wanting to chat and be neighbourly.

I totally agree with you, OP. Why does living near to someone mean we suddenly have to be their friend? But you have a choice - if they start chatting, just smile and move on. They'll soon get the hint.
Some of us do want to maintain our own privacy (and it's nothing to do with where we live in the UK, either).

Nobody is saying you have to be friends with the neighbours. But when you live next door to people, the polite thing is to at least say hello and maintain basic communication. You never know when you might need their help, after all.

Me too.

But the point is that not all of us "want a village"! The lifestyle you describe would be my worst nightmare - put simply, we're not all the same, and that's OK.

We moved to a small village to a house with no neighbours directly adjacent but near, my partner absolutely loves talking to the neighbours but I don’t so I just don’t 🤣

I will say hello, but the OP was talking about a 20 minute chat, which is very different! I've lived in the same house for over 30 years, and don't remember a time when I've needed "help". If and when that day comes, I'll just have to manage, I guess, because I wouldn't dream of intruding on others.

What you see as intrusion, other people see as part of living in a community with other people.

I'm really glad I live somewhere were people are friendly and help each other - when we were all snowed in a few years ago, everyone helped each other move cars, get groceries and walk dogs - it was lovely.