To not want to talk to my neighbours?

[Oncemorewithsome]

Until very recently we lived in a city. Where we have come from, neighbours generally don’t speak to each other. On the rare occasion someone has stuck around for a while, we might give a polite nod to each other or an ‘alright. In my area this is all very normal and not considered rude.

We just moved to a town. The new neighbours stopped to talk for about 20minutes. I am now feeling very claustrophobic about the whole idea of living with imposed socialising whenever you put the bins out. I really have no desire to chat to my neighbours unless there is some issue.

I know, I know I’m a grumpy old so and so…. But it’s honestly made me feel a bit worried. Do people talk to random people all the time in towns? What if you’re feeling rubbish and just want to get a job done are you obliged to stop and chat when you see people you know? The rules all seem different!

Sure, and I do get that some rural communities in particular can be quite stifling with everyone living in each other’s pockets. I would find that a nightmare.

But you can’t move somewhere like that and expect to never exchange a friendly word with neighbours.

You wouldn't survive where I live, Northern town. It’s the sort of place total strangers say good morning and lots of times you end up in random chats with people. Bus stop, queue, if you ever feel like a chat along the canal is a guaranteed chat. I grew up in a very small rural seaside community where everyone knew everyone. DH grew up on the outskirts of London and went to school in London and he is a bit like you, I just call him mardy and leave him to it.

I felt surprised and shy when I moved from a city to a town, was so different to what I was used to but you get used to it and it's nice having neighbors you can get along and help each other.

I've got chatty, friendly neighbours and those that I'm barely in nodding contact with. Either is fine.

Big smile and off you go-waving.
Join in the things you want-don’t the things you don’t.

Been in our house over 20 years, same neighbours to one side for ages, new other side. If I’m not in the mood, I don’t do more than a passing greeting. Last year, tho, there were some dodgy dealings in the street and we co-ordinated to have cctv installed in a car park/wrote to the mayor/MP/council/reported to police. We aren’t friends, but we are friendly. We’re moving soon, hopefully rurally without neighbours, that’s a main criteria.

Good god, what has the world become when people can't even say hello to each other, or pass the time of day 🙄

Thankfully I get on well with the neighbours on both sides.

I agree.

Our while civilization is based on us learning to communicate and more importantly, cooperate.
I don’t know why someone would move to an area where people are friendly to each other if they don’t want to be like that.
I live on the outskirts of a city, but it is a total community and everyone talks - even at the bus stop.
My sister lives in the very centre of the city and has a huge community of friendly neighbours - former and current council houses, where some have been sold on to ‘hipsters’ like my sister and everyone who has moved in, moved in because of the friendly neighborhood!

I have a friendly neighbour who I chat to briefly occasionally and say hello etc. The neighbour on the otherside runs indoors to avoid saying hello.

That's fine by me but now she's got a dog, she wants to chat & I can see where this is going. She wants a free dog sitter for when she's off on holiday and I've shut that down immediately. I now run indoors when she's out so I don't have to speak to her. Two can play at that game, I hate users.

By all means be unsociable but don't expect people to help you out when you need a favour.

I live in an enormous city. I speak to my neighbours and I know they speak to each other. It makes the neighbourhood friendlier. If I'm in a hurry I will ask if everything is ok and say I have to dash. If they said they have a problem, I'd tell them I would give them a knock later. Although that has never happened.

If you keep cutting them short, I'm sure they will stop trying to be friendly so no need to feel claustrophobic.

You’re just out of practice. Good neighbours are worth their weight in gold. Put your big girl pants on, and give it a go. You might find that you like them and enjoy this new social interaction.

It's good to have nice neighbours.

However I don't particularly want to talk to mine as I have little in common with them. They are retired, empty nesters, never really do much or go out despite being in good health.

I do wish I had neighbours around the same stage of life to me. However everyone here really keeps to themselves. We do exchange 'hellos' that's about it though.

We have a very friendly street WhatsApp group and lots of houses hold parties throughout the year where everyone is invited. When we moved in a few people brought round bags with tea, coffee, bread, wine etc

Perhaps the OP should consider that she has "intruded" into their community by moving there? And she should adapt to the local norms?

I live in the town I grew up in and everybody gossiped about everyone. They didn't let the truth get in the way of a story.
However the area I now live in is full of couples around our age -- early 60s - who have retired from other places, who don't gossip.
A lof of them came here on holiday and decided to retire here.

@3678194b "However I don't particularly want to talk to mine as I have little in common with them. They are retired, empty nesters, never really do much or go out despite being in good health"

sounds kind of ageist

Round here those are all the people who will drop you off at the airport or even just the gym

Also, you say they don't do much. How do you know? One of my retired neighbours does the most beautiful watercolour paintings. She does one every single day. She also plays the piano amazingly well. I might take it up when I retire.

I understand wanting to live near people who have a lot in common with, but it takes everyone to make a community - all age groups welcome. Or they should be.

but @Oncemorewithsome is panicking that perhaps she has to have a 20 minute conversation with these people every day

Here's a clue
Close knit communities don't spend 20 minutes every time they bump into someone we don't have that kind of time

To do that every time we bump into someone we'd just be chatting to each other all day!

Weird thread to start really

How has she? She moved into a house but that didn’t include an obligation to be part of the ‘community’ element. It’s nice that the neighbours are friendly but hopefully they will be satisfied with a smile and a ‘hello’

Living in the same road doesn’t oblige people to be friends. If they become friendly then great. But it shouldn’t be an obligation.

Nope. Our 'neighbourly' neighbours are simply nosey gossips...most people who claim to be neighbourly are usually retired, bored and nosey.

Well you clearly haven’t met one of my neighbours. She keeps an eye on her cctv and if she sees anyone coming out of the house, she’s there regaling people with her latest news. And no she’s not lonely (she has family that she’s (very) involved with - she just likes to try to boast about shit!

ETA the neighbours on the other side are lovely people who we have organically become friendly with

I always remember thread where women needed to escape her abuser but couldn't without help and didn't know a single neigbour to be able to go and knock on thier door and ask for emergency lift. (or similar it's been years but it stuck with me details may be wrong).

I always wondered how can something like that happen afyer living somewhere for years. Then I read more of MN....

We had one lot of neighbours who thought they could boss everyone about. They were nasty people who ended up falling out with everyone and moving back, blaming everyone else!

It really spoiled the feeling of the area.

No doubt they've already fallen out with their new neighbours, not realising they're the problem, not everyone else

I read one recently where the OP was angry that the new neighbours didn’t want to know (tbf their area sounded like a cult). MN is full of extremes.

Some people are just nosy and like to insert themselves into the business of others. Others can become friends over time. But just because you live in the same vicinity, doesn’t make you all besties

If people live in a friendly community and they value that sense of community, then of course it is intrusive if antisocial misanthropist newbies start moving into that community and try to change the whole character of the neighbourhood.

Of course people are not obliged to be friends with their neighbours. Nobody is saying that they are. They can be as antisocial as they like, it isn't illegal. But there is nothing remotely rude or "intrusive" about their neighbours attempting to make friendly conversation in ways that are completely normal for that neighbourhood.

If people don't want to live in a friendly neighbourhood because of their own social phobia or whatever, then they shouldn't move to that kind of community - they can't expect everyone else to change their behaviour simply to accommodate their misanthropy.

I expect that the new neighbours will realise soon enough that the OP isn't worth the effort in any case, and then they will leave her alone.

The way people talk about moving into a community
makes it sound like the Stepford Wives (everyone has to obey arbitrary rules).

They aren’t moving to any sort of community as you don’t know what your neighbours will be like. They are moving into a home. As long as they aren’t rude (so smile, say
hello) how does it affect the rest of the ‘community’?