To not want to talk to my neighbours?

[Oncemorewithsome]

Until very recently we lived in a city. Where we have come from, neighbours generally don’t speak to each other. On the rare occasion someone has stuck around for a while, we might give a polite nod to each other or an ‘alright. In my area this is all very normal and not considered rude.

We just moved to a town. The new neighbours stopped to talk for about 20minutes. I am now feeling very claustrophobic about the whole idea of living with imposed socialising whenever you put the bins out. I really have no desire to chat to my neighbours unless there is some issue.

I know, I know I’m a grumpy old so and so…. But it’s honestly made me feel a bit worried. Do people talk to random people all the time in towns? What if you’re feeling rubbish and just want to get a job done are you obliged to stop and chat when you see people you know? The rules all seem different!

How awful. A bit of civility is a very good thing. You don't need to be best friends with neighbours but it's often very useful to have a civil relationship.

Yes But you'd have had to bother with " randomers" in the first place to actually make friends wouldn't you.

So it's not likely that you would be the sort of person that can't manage a nod and hello to the neighbours

Except that doesn’t follow. Like I said I have friends but I don’t bother with neighbours. Just because you happen to live in the same area doesn’t mean you have anything in common.

And the people I became friends with were people I got to know mainly through work so it’s not like they were randomers who decided to strike up a convo for no reason

Obviously not - why would they? Don’t get me wrong, if they came to me in a crisis I might help but I wouldn’t expect them to help me.

And isn’t it rather transactional to be there for your neighbours purely so that they are there for you (which is how I’m ridding your comment)

Lol. Ok. Thats going to be harder gor more people now with so many WFH.

I assume they did say something random that was sweetsod all to do with work else theyd just be colleagues still , not friends

But in doing so, you’re closing your mind to the possibility that some people living in your area might actually be your soul mates. I have good relationships with lots of neighbours, but there are a handful that I’m really close to - people who share our values, who we love spending a night with, who have made a real difference in our lives, who have made me grow as a person. My life would be poorer without them, and our friendships started very randomly - a chat on the street, waiting for the school bus, that sort of thing. I think it doesn’t hurt to keep an open mind about the fact that some of your neighbours might be amazing people who you would love if you got to know them.

It’s a lot of effort for very little reward

I live in a block of flats in London. As of last summer we’ve been doing monthly drinks (not everyone!), we make sure we take in parcels if left out and tell people in the WhatsApp (everyone), we’re having a garden drinks do end of summer for those who want, and some of us ladies have a WhatsApp group too (Rivals rewatch incoming).

it’s really nice knowing the faces of people you’re passing and makes it feel a lot safer too.

My direct neighbour popped over to grab her parcel the other day, left with a bowl of rhubarb crumble and gave us half a pot of cream for ours!

Good for you - I couldn’t deal with that. It sounds full on

Exchanging pleasantries is a " lot of effort" Seriously?

It’s very opt in/out as you want!

for instance I haven’t joined any of the exercise classes a lot of them seem to like haha! But it is nice feeling like a community.

Well it is an effort just for the slightest chance someone might become a friend .

Do new people have to have the once over when they move it? And how do they deal with someone who isn’t interested in any of it?

Well we do like a stare! But they’re always invited to join the WhatsApp group, we’ll always take in a parcel and we mention some of the social stuff.

I will say there are some natural friendships, it’s not just a neighbours united! But it includes having a board of directors who make financial decisions so engaging is useful on more than one level

Do you not exchange pleasantries in day to day life then?

On a recent trip to London I had 2 interactions with people at the bus stop. First was saying about the weather had got colder so a minutes chat on that and another when a couple walked up and mentioned that they'd waited nearly an hour at previous bus stop and given up , so a brief chat about crap service

Not hard work in the skightest

I feel this! No one cares about a long term thing, it’s just polite chatter!

Well that’s lovely I’m sure, I don’t want to do it though. Which is why I clearly have headphones on, although apparently that doesn’t stop people.

How did you get to meet partner/ friends if you won't exchange words with anyone?

I will talk to people when there’s a reason for us to be in the same vicinity (social events, work etc).

I ask/answer questions like ‘is this train going to x’ .

What I don’t want to do is be drawn into conversation by some random person about the weather or delayed buses or whatever. What’s the point? It might make them feel better but I really don’t want to be bothered.

I think you mean inane chatter. Polite would be understanding that I really don’t want to chat (because a few words can turn into them wanging on about their life).

So what's the difference between the train question that you'd ask and someone telling me the buses were up the spout?

And there was a reason for all us people to be in the same vicinity. Ike waiting for the bus

Because there is a difference between a question/answer and someone offering unsolicited information about their journey.

At work for example I have to do the polite stuff very briefly when I meet colleagues etc. By then I have decided whether I like them or not. If I do, then fine, and it has turned into deep friendships a few times. More often than not I write them off in my head and just deal with them when I absolutely need to.

But striking up a conversation for no reason? Nah.

Well I'm glad they told me the bus service was buggered so I walked to the station rather than wasting time at the stop.

Yes we talk to neighbours. One in particular. I love it when he catches my 18 year old and makes her have a good long chat 😂 it's nice.