To not want to talk to my neighbours?

[Oncemorewithsome]

Until very recently we lived in a city. Where we have come from, neighbours generally don’t speak to each other. On the rare occasion someone has stuck around for a while, we might give a polite nod to each other or an ‘alright. In my area this is all very normal and not considered rude.

We just moved to a town. The new neighbours stopped to talk for about 20minutes. I am now feeling very claustrophobic about the whole idea of living with imposed socialising whenever you put the bins out. I really have no desire to chat to my neighbours unless there is some issue.

I know, I know I’m a grumpy old so and so…. But it’s honestly made me feel a bit worried. Do people talk to random people all the time in towns? What if you’re feeling rubbish and just want to get a job done are you obliged to stop and chat when you see people you know? The rules all seem different!

Yet they went out of their way to knock YOUR door. Judging by some of the comments on here, I think I actually fall slightly in the unfriendly/unsociable category. But I find your neighbour's behaviour to be real CF material.

I think I'd have felt the urge to say "neither do I" and shut the door on her if she'd have the cheek to knock my door under the guise of introduction just to tell me she didn't want any interaction. The cheek and hypocrisy of some people - unreal.

Are you saying you don't find it sad that a person's body could lay undiscovered for weeks/months and their neighbours don't notice? The same with child abuse? Blimey what sort of country have we become.

We have always lived in the same area of our suburb. We always spoke to our neighbours, and when we moved to another area of the suburb, where the houses were new build and everyone had moved into the area ...no one spoke! And my mum always said it was the lonliest time of her life there. Where we live now (back in the original area) we always speak to neighbours. It's nice to know people are looking out for you. Community spirit. All that stuff. Doesn't need to be a long conversation, just a good morning is nice

Social interactions benefit your mental health
People with limited social intercations literally die earlier than others of loneliness
I understand that when we have been hurt we can try and be an island (i have been there) but its no conducive to long term good mental health

I grew up in one of thse claustrophobic working class communities (1950s/60s) where everybody knew your business. Our front door was never closed until last thing at night and out next door neighbour would just walk into the house! I hated tha an swore I would never allow it to happen when I got my own home.

Living in flats is much more private although I did make friends with some neighbours. We lived in a Housing Co-Operative (similar to a HA but run by the co-owners) and I was soon co-opted onto the committee. When I moved to the suburb where I live now it was a diverse area. The various ethnic groups seem to socialise within their own community which suits me fine. If they want to borrow a cup of curry they dont come here, Sometimes I can go days without seeing anyone except on the ring doorbell.

Depends on the town and the neighbor.

I would keep it to a wave and smile going forward. "Nice day!" and keep walking type of thing. You have the right to live in peace without being social if you don't wish to be.

I have had times in my life where I wanted to be friendly with neighbors, and other times not. I am happy to chat with my one neighbor, knowing they are friendly but also respect space. We had a new set just move in next door, totally different phase of life, etc, and I don't plan to ever introduce myself. No need. No desire.

I’m quite reserved so I lightly interact with some of my neighbours for example a nod or hello when I go to my car or put the bins out. I also go for coffee with 3 of 4 different ones.

Im not a saddo so I like being sociable towards others around my estate and village. For sure they were all kind and helpful during a recent crisis.
I was so grateful for that.

I've no particular interest in chatting to my neighbours either... I live in a cul-de-sac, and while the ones I've talked to are friendly enough, I've no desire to "be friends".

I confess, I occasionally linger round the side of my house so that I don't bump into "him from next door" who tends to leave for work at the same time as me. If I hear him already out there, I'll hang back. Just because I've had enough of the awkward, "You alright? Yeah, fine thanks, you?" meaningless back and forth!

Positive ones may benefit people but interacting with people you don’t particularly click with? No.

Yes it’s sad. But I was replying to your comment:

I find it strange that people don't want to at least know who they're living next door to or if it's a small road know who else is living near them.

Outside of the extreme cases you are talking about, what is the big deal? Like I said we have become friends with one set of neighbours because we clicked eventually and they are very nice.

However the ones the other side have to know what is going on with every house in the road and it’s tedious.

I lived in flats for 20-odd years and wouldn’t have been able to pick my neighbours out of a line up.

We have moved areas a bit: Tied houses (Hampshire) where everyone knew each other and their basic wage (government), rural Lincolnshire, snobby Dorset, considerate Somerset. Neighbours varied. We know our current neighbours all round very well and they know our DS and DIL. None of them are intrusive but we know they are reliable if really needed. Lovely area generally, locals always know if you are local and smile and nod. If you want a convo there is always someone ready for that, or not, whatever suits you at that time.

My neighbours have become surrogate parents to me over the years especially since I helped in a medical emergency, I would have missed out on an amazing relationship by not talking to them.

Obviously not the same for everyone.

I lived all over London for years and always chatted to my neighbours. I'm the complete opposite of you OP I actively make sure I know my neighbours and have a friendly chat at least when we first meet - if they are clearly grumpy fine but I think for reasons of safety and community - it's good to keep an eye out for each other.

I moved to a smaller place recently and am already friends with my neighbours!

I think you personally have lived in unfriendly transient places but it has nothing to do with city life

Against the stereotype I found zone 2 London (various parts of it) the friendliest places I've ever lived - despite it being 'the city'.

I get on well with both sets of neighbours but we don’t chat for ages. Which is just as well as I hate small talk. The neighbours on the left keep mostly to themselves. The ones on the right we’ve had lengthier chats when sat outside on a summer night out the front with a glass of wine (that’s where the sun is of an evening!) and it’s been fine. You set the tone OP. Just don’t spend a lot of time out your front if you don’t want to get stuck chatting. Do you have a back garden with high walls/fence lol?

This is such an emotive subject......
What I think is normal is: POLITE NODDING and GOOD MORNING, then p!$$ taking through the bet curtains ( my mother was like this) But it CAN BE IMPOSED SOCIALISING as you say..... I have recently moved and one of my neighbours , one side is severely disabled, so I jump when he clicks his fingers and shower him with all sorts of goodies from town because I m big hearted and feel sorry for him and even bought cat food. I'm trying to curtail this a bit because he hardly ever says THANK YOU, rather things like : MAKE SURE YOU DO. Also A new neighbour, the other side, just moved in and keeps hinting about borrowing my garden equipment and I was thinking : Buy Your F...... Own like I had to. My last house that I moved from was from a posh estate and I was not exploited like this, rather everyone was respectful, and kind so it depends on circumstances, very much and individual personalities.

I have great neighbours. I've lived here 32 years and I think only one set in our part of the street has been here longer.
We chat occasionally, sometimes have them in for coffee or drinks. Take in parcels, group WhatsApp for problems or parcels or bins during holidays.
They would all help in an emergency which did happen 26 years ago when my husband had a seizure at 6.30 in the morning so I left my 4 and 6 year old children with the next door neighbour until my parents could get here.
I really never want to move. I know I'm very lucky.

I’ve got Avoidant Personality Disorder so I go to great extremes to avoid seeing or talking to my neighbours. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

I live in London and I talk to my neighbours, we will often have a long chat. It’s nice to be friendly

This is a thing but you can just say hi or smile and say got to go.

Maybe you need to move back to a large anonymous city or move to a desert island ?

Oh dear, you sound a bit of a misery. You don’t have to go into in-depth conversations with your neighbours, I expect they way laid you for so long as they were trying to make you feel welcome, you know community spirit and all that., But to ignore would be blatantly rude..

I'm the same, it's one of the nice things about city living, that I can be anonymous and people mind their own business. I'm sort of nosy about my neighbours though, even though I don't talk to them directly I'll eavesdrop on them in the garden and Google search their names to see what jobs they have etc.

Is that a joke? Or do you really do that?

Depends on the neighbour.
In my first house, the old couple next door was so intrusive. We had a decorator in not long after we moved in. After returning from taking the baby for a walk, our decorator told us a weird woman keeps putting her hands up against the window to watch what he was doing!

The old guy would lean on the fence and watch me hang the washing out. I came home one day to see my washing was gone from the line... Next door had 'kindly' took it in for me and folded it all, underwear included at the top of the pile, and was sitting on their dining table. It wasn't even due to rain...

After trying to pull away from them slightly, they turned awful. They turned the other neighbours against us, who allowed their grandchildren to kick a football against my house. Banging on our door very early one morning accusing us of stealing their wheelie bin?! They could see clearly my front and back garden, so no idea where they thought I'd put it, especially when it was bin day morning, my bin was still out and they'd woke me up. Mental.

It took a few years to get friendly with these new neighbours. One is no bother at all, we bring each others bins in, it just naturally started happening. We talk minimally but friendly if we see eachother by the back doors.
The other neighbour is abit over friendly. She'd consider us friends and so would I, to a degree. But she would pop up at the wall to make small talk or to gossip about other neighbours.

90% of the time I'd have to listen to see if the coast was clear before I went out. Now I've put up some small trees against the wall but slightly taller than it so her view of 'catching' me is limited. But they're friendly and our husbands help eachother out, he's aging but knowledgeable and my husband is younger and knows abit but not as much as neighbour husband so it works well. But they do overstep sometimes and I wouldn't trust her to be civil if we fell out...

I'm looking to move in the next few years, terraced life isn't for me, somewhere with a private garden and hopefully private but civil neighbours 😬😁

this.