AIBU to expect my husband to look after baby without it being a favour to me?

[Bumpyroads]

Asked my husband to hold our baby while I cooked dinner. I had already started cooki g but had baby in the carrier and was clearly stressed. He looked after him for 25 minutes max! He now says I should respect him more with how hard he works as he was helping me out.
He said i should have said something along the lines of "i know youve had a really hard day but please can you hold the baby" ie i have to preface asking him with saying how much i value how hard he works.

He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain, something I bought him because I knew he'd had a hard day.

Im really tired of him saying im the primary carer for the children its not that hard, I have it easy. He works so hard if I ask anything of him he will say but yours the primary carer and I go to work.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just lazy and need to suck it up as actually being a stay at home mum is easy. Am I supposed to be super mum doing it all with no complaints?
For context 10 month old still wakes several times a night so I am exhausted and he is an extremely difficult/clingy baby so getting house stuff dont if difficult.
Also husband does do stuff around the house but honestly it seem like I have to be so appreciative as if he's doing me a favour not that its just one of those things because its a shared effort.

Sorry rambling..
Anyway
unreasonable - suck it up you stay at home all day thats easy and you need to appreciate he has worked hard all day.
Not unreasonable- your not asking too much and even though he's at work he should still help without it feeling like a favour

Or something in the middle

Show him the thread. Gosh many of my friends (women and men) say looking after their children all day is harder work than their day jobs (it's far more mentally and physically exhausting). These are are people in demanding careers - big 4 accounting firms - director/partner level, academia, doctors and lawyers. My husband works 5 days a week in a corporate firm, I work 2 (I'm a doctor) and he will do most of the cooking/laundry and help equally with putting the kids to bed. I do more of the cleaning/organising weekends (Ive never wanted a cleaner). This is not 'amazing', this is normal and how it should be. He's perfectly capable of parenting his own children if I am away. Being kind and caring towards others means nothing if you cannot treat your own family well. What's that saying re how to get a measure of a man - by seeing how he treats those 'below' him. Not that you are below him but it indicates what's being demonstrated publicly vs privately. Sounds very performative. Sorry OP, he sounds very immature and chauvinistic.

Some women don't half pick 'em.

He calls you the 'primary' caregiver which isn't the same as 'only' so he should do his fair share.
I was a SAHM (we agreed on this before even trying for a baby) but this meant DH never needed to take time off for children's illness, Dr/dentist appointments, school holidays etc. We work as a partnership each playing to our strengths/abilities (my job was low paid with little chance for advancement, Hubby had more qualifications and chances for promotion) neither of us see doing things around the house as 'doing a favour' if he was living alone he would have to clean up after himself and cook his own meals (and if I was alone I would have to work to live)
Ask him what would happen if he saw someone at work struggling with something, what would he do? Chances are he would ask if they needed help (if he's a decent human being) why is it any different to do something for the woman he claims to love and the child that he helped create.

She hasn't slept with him. She said it herself.

She doesn't need two babies with this specimen.

What a prince amongst men. Put your foot down and stop doing things for him. He can cook his own food. Also, he should be pulling his weight in looking after his own child.

From your first post, your husband is clearly being a dick but I also wonder if there is another side to this. The other children are older so really the OP is only at home with one 10month old. It’s not like she has 3 under 5s at home and it also sounds like the OP hasn’t worked for a long time even while the middle child of 8 has been at school for 3 years. Throwing a baby into the mix when someone has been too unwell mentally to work doesn’t sound like a brilliant idea and might be the thing that has pushed both the OP and the husband over the edge. That isn’t to excuse the DH’s behaviour - he was clearly being an arse and unpleasant but this posts screams ‘there is more to this’ to me.

Also, you are not the primary caregiver, you are the default parent. There’s a difference.

My daughter has four children, 6,4,2 and 10 months. She’s a SAHM. Her husband is out for about 12 hours a day. Like yours, when he comes home he is happy to feed, change, play with the kids. He does bedtime and reads the story. He never complains if she asks him to pick up something on his way home. He’s not perfect, he is autistic and would argue the hind leg off a donkey. He’s not weak - he’s a sergeant in the army. I’m glad both you and she have found what I would consider to be normal human beings.

It's quite easy to be kind to other people because the kudos is instant and doesn't require the constant maintenance of a relationship.

And it's incredibly easy to say nice things. It's harder to do nice things, and behave nicely, even when you're tired and overstrained, which is most parents.

My husband is annoying and useless a lot of ways but even he changed his own baby’s nappy, fed her and enjoyed playing with her. Surely that’s bare minimum?

After a hard day at work your DH should be rushing back home to cuddle the baby. What a tosser.

My DH had a phase a few years ago where he was moaning a lot about how much he does and how little I do and how I do not appreciate, don't say thank you etc. Obviously not true that he did more but I have outsourced more of the drudge work to him because he can't do the mental load at all - is totally useless at it. I obviously don't say thank you because I never get a thank you either for what I do - so there. That was when both of us were working and I was pro rata the one with the higher salary but because I was working 4 days earned slightly less than him (have changed jobs since and earn more than him now even though I still work 4 days and he 5).

Anyway I told him in no uncertain terms that he clearly deserved better if he was unhappy in his marriage and that I was sure there would be a doormat out there for him somewhere. He should seriously consider moving on because I wasn't going to put up with his attitude - as I deserved better too. He suggested couples counselling and I refused because we've been there and I had to do the heavy lifting while he was playing the martyr. I told him he would need to do some work on himself first before I would consider counselling with him. To my surprise he did go to CBT sessions and has since dropped the martyr 'you need to be grateful for everything I do' act. I suspect he had a female counsellor :).

Another useless father. Could you imagine him having to look after both of his children if you split and he had some sort of custody? He wouldn’t know what’s hit him!

This.

I am so sorry but this man is bad for you. I seriously doubt he will change for the better but I expect he will change for the worse.
The image he paints in public doesn't matter. As he gets worse and more controling try to think of what line he cannot cross so you realise its time to get out. Promise yourself you will recognise the controlling behaviour when it gets to a limit you set jn your head now.
The things you have are not important. Make a plan so when he tries to stop you seeing a friend/ chosing your clothes/ is physical with you/ control your money/ control when you see your family/ says 'look what you made me do'. You know it has gone too far. Promise yourself you will recognise this for what it is tell your closest friend and ask them to help you get out.

Dearest OP, this is far from a healthy relationship as it seems that he keeps you just that bit too tired and overwhelmed and shows just enough "niceness" to keep you from thinking clearly.

You think you still love him but isn't it more true that you love the man he could potentially be if he actually cared and put in the effort? Believe me, even if you saw some of that at the beginning of your relationship, you aren't going to see it again, at least on a permanent basis. I'm speaking from both personal experience and observation of others relationships.

It appears from your posts that you are in an abusive relationship. Just because he doesn't hit you, doesn't mean it's not abusive.

Please contact whatever domestic violence helpline you have in your country and speak to them. Or if you have a sympathetic female GP, talk to her.

Wasting food in a sulk is abusive behavior.
Making the children upset, afraid or cry so that you step in to do the task is abusive behavior.
You being afraid to ask for a discussion about what reasonable co-parenting behavior looks like, because he won't have a discussion without turning it into a shouting and slamming doors situation, sulking, martyrdom and possible withdrawal of the minimal effort that he already puts in, is abusive behavior.
Demanding and attempting to guilt you into sex instead of ensuring that you feel energetic, attractive and attracted so that you are enthusiastic and enjoy the act, is abusive behavior.

Do you have any money of your own that he doesn't ask you to account for? Do you have to justify even small spends? Are his wages "his money that you're spending" or is it family money with both of you having equal access and responsibility? If it's the former, that's financial abuse.

Has he ever been away for a couple of days and the house felt calmer, lighter?
Would you wish your type of relationship on your children?
What would you advise your child to do if they found themselves with a partner like yours?

It sounds like you've already tried talking to him and you've tried counseling, neither of which have worked long term, so the person with whom you're living right now is the real him, because the considerate him is only available on a temporary basis at best, after a lot of effort on your part.

If splitting up is the only healthy solution, there is assistance out there. Work on your mental health. Find a good therapist. Start putting by some "Running Away Money". RAM has always been a good thing, even in healthy relationships, as it gives the woman a sense of power over her life, even if she never needs to use it.

Good luck OP. I hope the responses you're getting here are helping you to think about what you and your children need and how to achieve that.

Baby has two parents , he sounds very selfish refusing dinner and tipping his beer. Id stop cooking for him until he respects you. If that fails , bin him as he is useless

Why should it be 50-50 when he’s the one that goes to work and provides for his family. What fucking planet do some of these man haters live on

If looking after children is so easy then doing his share won’t be any bother for him.

Massive red flags! Fuck that! I'd be gone. Pouring away his beer, refusing to eat food. My God get out!

I'd have kicked the lazy bastard in to the middle of next week. Men only want babies if they don't have to do anything to look after them.

He's an arse. I never wanted my DH to turn into one of those "I work you do kids" guys so I never stopped working.

Why are you quoting me? I'm not the OP

Think I quoted you as your comment was so defeatist. That even if she leaves life would get worse. Certainly didn’t feel a supportive post, I get it it is a realistic post but not sure it was the best time to slap her in the face with it, or might have been a mis post not sure it would bother you either way.

And he would have had to go to work to provide for himself anyway without a family. And do all his own housework and cooking.

She's had to give up work to raise kids that are half his, and become a home servant, maid, cook and nanny.

What has he sacrificed exactly?
Absolutely nothing it seems. He even openly mistreats her by throwing out the food she made him.

If it was the roles reversed would you tolerate a woman treating you like shit like that?

It's not hate, it's just facts. He's a bad man, a bad human being and being a 'provider' does not in any way make up for that. He's also a bully.

Working doesn't make a man a good man. He's supposed to take care of his family. It's bare minimum! It doesn't exempt you from looking after your own damn kids.

I think you're the one living in the manosphere