AIBU to expect my husband to look after baby without it being a favour to me?

[Bumpyroads]

Asked my husband to hold our baby while I cooked dinner. I had already started cooki g but had baby in the carrier and was clearly stressed. He looked after him for 25 minutes max! He now says I should respect him more with how hard he works as he was helping me out.
He said i should have said something along the lines of "i know youve had a really hard day but please can you hold the baby" ie i have to preface asking him with saying how much i value how hard he works.

He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain, something I bought him because I knew he'd had a hard day.

Im really tired of him saying im the primary carer for the children its not that hard, I have it easy. He works so hard if I ask anything of him he will say but yours the primary carer and I go to work.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just lazy and need to suck it up as actually being a stay at home mum is easy. Am I supposed to be super mum doing it all with no complaints?
For context 10 month old still wakes several times a night so I am exhausted and he is an extremely difficult/clingy baby so getting house stuff dont if difficult.
Also husband does do stuff around the house but honestly it seem like I have to be so appreciative as if he's doing me a favour not that its just one of those things because its a shared effort.

Sorry rambling..
Anyway
unreasonable - suck it up you stay at home all day thats easy and you need to appreciate he has worked hard all day.
Not unreasonable- your not asking too much and even though he's at work he should still help without it feeling like a favour

Or something in the middle

Oh god just put the whole man in the bin.

Honestly, he's blatantly showing what a prick he is - BELIEVE HIM!

O. M. G. In a nutshell : Husband whole contribution to the whole shebang is Having a Job. How Soul -destroying for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Look my dear; I want to spell out your whole future for you : When the children are adults and you get your career back , mark my words: he will have Accounting Books and make you pay HALF of everything. By then you will be spiritually ' spent ' not only will he control your MIND, but your MONEY, TIME, SOCIAL LIFE.......wouldn't it just be easier to get a Room Mate? At least then you will have some autonomy over your life..

You'll end up doing everything , all the time & he'll still bellyache. Seriously think about losing him asap.

Okay, so it can be hellish with a young baby who is reliant on you for feeds, comfort and getting to sleep but I strongly recommend that you get your ducks in a row to leave. This behaviour of his will not miraculously improve and like someone else has mentioned, he has the potential to be awful when you are earning. You will continue to do what you are doing, with little to none helpful input from him, simply because he will always prioritise himself and his work.
That said, separating or divorcing might be the kick up the arse he needs to be a better parent. I’d draw the line at him becoming a better husband - that ship has sailed.
Be kind to yourself. Life is too short.

Why did you marry and have kids with this useless selfish obnoxious prick??

Dump him, OP

He sounds horrible. Declining to eat the dinner you have cooked and pouring his beer that you bought him away is majorly childish and not ok.

I think it would be good for him to look after the baby (children?) on his own for a long weekend so that he fully understands how relentless it can be. Perhaps you can arrange to go away for 2-3 days, and don’t prep him any dinners or anything beforehand, so that he can be a better dad, bond with the baby and fully understand.

But also OP - I’d highly recommend going back to work full time and ensuring he pays half (or a pro-rata amount) of the childcare and understands he’s to do half the cooking, bathing etc because “you are at work and work hard all day.”

Someone who behaves like this honestly doesn’t sound like someone who will weather the challenges of parenthood that are ahead for you - it really can be super tough if you have more than one child during the toddler and early primary years — and you don’t want to fall behind in earning power and lose your pension while acting as an unpaid maid for him.

You haven't had sex in 19 months and he's treating you like a nanny, maid, cook???
Literally what is the point of this man in your life?

Get yourself and your baby out of there now before he escalates. What a vile piece of work. See how he copes alone.

Adding to my note above, I just read the rest of your posts and realise there is slightly more to it here in that roles are quite traditional and you may not be well enough to work.

It’s a little harder to advise given the above - it sounds like there is a lot of frustration on his side (and no wonder if the poor guy hasn’t had sex in more than a year and a half!). I’m not surprised you don’t fancy it if that’s how he behaves but it’s not reasonable or fair to expect anyone to stay in a sexless relationship. Perhaps you need to try and rekindle communication, agree that both roles have their challenges and you need to work together and not have a competition over who is working harder.

Good luck OP - it ain’t easy.

Why are you married to this massive man child??!! I work. So does my husband. Our son is in pre
school. We are self employed. My parents have him 1 day a week after school. We each have him 2 half days.
When he was a baby we did 1 day a week each. 2 days in day care. My parents did 1 day.

Everything is 50/50.
However we both agree that my wonderful MIL who was a sahm had a wayyy harder job than either of us. Neither of us know how she did it. My FIL still calls her super woman even though all the children are now adults.
You need to stand up to this utter nonsense. Or offer to swap with him. He clearly wouldnt cope.

He sounds utterly pathetic. What you permit you promote.

Honestly sounds a bit abusive - throwing away the dinner you made and pouring his beer down the sink because you don't "respect how hard he works" big red flag, run like the wind.

Why would you say this? Do you realise how common and subtle abuse can be for woman when they are vulnerable? The responses on here are awful

What do the words “I love him” mean to you? Do you mean you fancy him? Or you think he’s an amazing person who you admire? Or he’s fun to be with? Or he makes you feel good about yourself when you’re with him? Or you care what happens to him and how he feels?

Personally, I could never claim to love someone who showed zero interest in how his behaviour affected me. Not fanciable, not admirable, not fun to be with, not making me feel good about myself. And bugger me if I’m going to one-sidedly care about somebody who doesn’t care about me. (Although I’d do that for my child.)

Or maybe you mean you’re scared to be on your own.

Yes, nasty

Gosh how he treated you was really bad. Throwing away the dinner and dumping the drink is not behaviour I’d tolerate at all. Wanting to be praised as part of a simple request is fairly narcissistic. You are not only making decisions for yourself, but also your children. Kids that grow up with emotionally immature parents either become them, are traumatised by them, or date people like them, generally.

Actually being a parent to his kids shouldn't be seen as doing you a favour just because you happen to not have a paid job. You're a parent so is he. Difference is he seems to think because he works it gives him a free pass to not really take any responsibility because you're apparently the default parent and it's all on you just because you don't physically bring home an income. He has a job yes but he also gets breaks in his working day-you don't get a break you're constantly parenting, you can't just go and take half an hour or so for yourself because you have a baby in your care who needs to be looked after as obviously a baby isn't able to tend to their own needs. Ask your husband what he does on his entitled breaks-i bet he manages to have a cuppa or a meal uninterrupted as that's what his job legally has to allow him. You do all of the household and parenting and he still thinks you have it piss easy. Tell him to take a day doing all that you do while he's at work I can imagine he'll complain that he's had a tough day without getting even five minutes to himself let alone the lunch break he gets whilst he's at work. You really shouldn't have to ask your children's father to be a parent, he should already do it without being asked.

No but at least your self worth isn’t being defined by a knob. Think you will find most of your mental health problems are related to him. Why would you want to have sex with a man that makes you feel shit.
this isn’t just about you though the children are on the receiving end crying imagine what they see how you are treated, is this what you want for them?

I'd be clear with him that you aren't happy and you're not looking for a 'who is the least happy competition' but you're telling him because things don't change, if he doesn't step up, divorce is on the cards.

And tell him if you divorce he will still have to work but also do solo childcare and all his own cooking and cleaning. So to think bloody long and hard about how much he's taken for granted before it's too late.

And before you do that, speak to a solicitor. Find out everything they would need evidence wise to get you your share should you divirce. So he can't hide stuff in preparation for you leaving him.

You have every right to protect yourself. And your kids for that matter too, because he absolutely is the sort of man who will shaft them just to hurt you. Get legal advice.

Make plans for an exit even if you never need them.

I’ve read all your posts. I just wanted to send some support your way as you’re in a really difficult situation. Of course you’re not going to affectionate and have mental health issues when you are carrying everything. I’m sorry but work is a break for most people unless you’re a A&E doctor/nurse/surgeon or in the military in an active warzone. Anything else is easier than parenting 3 young children, alone, day after day with no proper sleep. You poor thing!

I am just so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I’ll be totally candid with you though, if we were friends and you were telling me this over coffee I’d be telling you to pack a bag, bring the kids and come and stay with me for a few days to give his head a wobble. The way he’s treating you is cruel. Throwing away your dinner? Pouring beer down the sink? Because he had the privilege of being able to come home to a safe place and feed his beautiful child a meal his wife (and the mother of his children) had prepared with love? Appalling.

Maybe he genuinely has no idea how hard being up all night and at home all day with a baby is but ignorance is no excuse. You both made those babies so you both look after them. It’s not 1956! His attitude is lazy and unacceptable and I don’t care what job he does all day when he gets home he’s first and foremost a parent and he should do his bit. What would he do if you decided actually you were going back to work and did evenings or nights and he had to do tea, baths, bedtimes and all the wakeups? Because that’s a reality for plenty of dads.

Not one dad I know comes home and does naff all with the excuse that anyone else is ‘the primary caregiver.’ Teachers, vets, medics, lawyers, farmers - not one man in anyone one of those careers would leave you doing everything you do and all go home and do their share because a) that’s fair - you have worked all day at being Mum and there’s no reason you shouldn’t have help and b) because they LOVE being dads and want to care for the children they made. Men like your husband are the reason women all over the world resonate so hard with the song ‘labour.’

It’s all well and good him telling people out of the house how great you are but actions speak louder words and if he’s treating you like he’s doing you a favour by holding and feeding a baby for less than half an hour so you can cook HIM food then really how sincere are those words? I’m not going say rush into leaving him but he isn’t treating you well. He isn’t being a good husband and he isn’t being a good dad. Maybe consider some sort of couples counselling to try and get him to see your perspective a bit clearer. But know this, you and your children deserve better than what that man is currently giving you.

You need to be getting your ducks in a row and thinking about how and when you can leave. This isn’t going to get better. Don’t waste your time and energy on arguing or being annoyed with him, accept the reality is that he’s turned out to be a useless partner and plan to leave. I promise you life will be easier and more pleasant without him. Have a look at your finances, what you’re likely able to get in Universal Credit etc. make sure the child benefit is in your name. Save if you can.

He's a useless arsehole, and I think you know he's not going to change. You've had talks about it AND therapy, and he's still a useless arsehole. You and your kids deserve better, you really do.

And he will say the divorce came out of nowhere ...... they are HIS children its HIS house he SHOULD be doing his share of parenting and stuff in the house parenthood isn't a 9-5 job its 24/7 and you dont get to opt out . He's a manipulative twat and it is abuse punishing you ( pouring his drink out and saying he will bin his tea) for having to look after his own child.