AIBU to expect my husband to look after baby without it being a favour to me?

[Bumpyroads]

Asked my husband to hold our baby while I cooked dinner. I had already started cooki g but had baby in the carrier and was clearly stressed. He looked after him for 25 minutes max! He now says I should respect him more with how hard he works as he was helping me out.
He said i should have said something along the lines of "i know youve had a really hard day but please can you hold the baby" ie i have to preface asking him with saying how much i value how hard he works.

He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain, something I bought him because I knew he'd had a hard day.

Im really tired of him saying im the primary carer for the children its not that hard, I have it easy. He works so hard if I ask anything of him he will say but yours the primary carer and I go to work.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just lazy and need to suck it up as actually being a stay at home mum is easy. Am I supposed to be super mum doing it all with no complaints?
For context 10 month old still wakes several times a night so I am exhausted and he is an extremely difficult/clingy baby so getting house stuff dont if difficult.
Also husband does do stuff around the house but honestly it seem like I have to be so appreciative as if he's doing me a favour not that its just one of those things because its a shared effort.

Sorry rambling..
Anyway
unreasonable - suck it up you stay at home all day thats easy and you need to appreciate he has worked hard all day.
Not unreasonable- your not asking too much and even though he's at work he should still help without it feeling like a favour

Or something in the middle

Hate him on your behalf, OP. You and your kids deserve better.

What a vainglorious tosspot.

Only got a few lines in. Wow he sounds unbearable. I honestly don’t know how you don’t how you don’t just want to scream. He sounds absolutely pathetic. I’m sorry, I think you’d be better off without him. Sod making his dinner and buying him beer.

Well done for talking to him. You did the right thing. There is that saying, when people show you who they are, believe them. It is awful he does not want to be full parent with everything it entails. He is honest about that. So you do have clarity over what kind of man he is.

Your child deserves to grow in a loving environment knowing they are cherished and very much wanted. I think you realise it is not going to happen staying with this man.

I very much hope you find a way out 💐

Another useless prick of a man. He would be getting no more dinners or beer from me.

God I hate men like that

Thank goodness my dh is the total opposite and will dive in when home from work with helping finish making food or do stuff with kids

I think I would ask him why he isn’t rushing to take his baby off of you once he gets home from work. Surely he has been missing his baby and keen to cuddle, play or care for him. Because he is his baby.

I mean, if it’s so easy for you to look after the baby all day every day, it can’t be that hard for him to look after the baby while you cook dinner…for him. My DH is by no means the perfect husband, but he was always there to hold the baby, bath the baby, help settle the baby etc when he came home from work. You’re not being lazy, your DH is. The baby is his as much as they are yours.

So confused as he will refuse to apologise yet this morning its like nothing happened and has taken baby out for a walk so I could shower. And now taken older son to his swimming lesson. But once again its the way its framed as helping me out.
We have family over this weekend so need to plod on. But yes I am exhausted.
Of course there are 2 sides to every story I am far from perfect and yes he does "put up" with my mental health. I am not the most affectionate buts its more of a personality trate im not a very tactile person but show my love in other ways.
However over the years we seems to be in a cycle of me hitting breaking piont, him making an effort and it not lasting.
Just 2 months ago I developed neurological issues which in my opinion were triggered by sleep deprivation and stress. He swore he never wanted to see me in hospital in that state again and vowed to help me out.
At this point he had no idea how to look after the baby and I actually had to teach him everything. Gradually though the "help" or fair share of work has declined.
I just really hate the narrative that he is helping and not just living raising a family WITH me.
We have done marriage councilling on the past and it did improve for some time after. As the councillor quite rightly said I will find myself unable to feel sexual attraction to him if we have a mother/child relationship where I am essentially looking after him. Lack of sex/intimacy and affection is something he complains about a lot and also something he brings up that I need to change in the relationship if I mention anything he needs to change.

In his words last night.. we both work hard and he does appreciate me but his hard work is different. Its just not the same as I am not sweating with manual labour.

Look, he is merely doing the bare minimum to keep you in line. Today is a lovely day and taking baby for a walk is no big chore - plus he’ll be getting the kudos of being the ‘greatest father’ who is doing his bit. ditto taking son swimming. No doubt there will be a cafe at the pool where he’ll have a cappuccino while surfing in his phone - I’m willing to bet he won’t be watching your son’s lesson, nor will he have brought his own swimsuit to enjoy half an hour’s swimming with him after the lesson.

This is how abusive men operate. They bring you to the brink while all the time maintaining that it’s all your fault, you’re incompetent, while he grafts all day to bring home the bacon. And then he throws you just enough kibble to stop you from collapsing or walking out.

i am still puzzled, though, why he isn’t working harder to get you to give him sex…

...yeah - that's why I ended up doing. Either way you still end up doing all the donkey work but atleast you don't have the drama or need to walk on egg shells in your own home.

It's tough though. Do what feels right for you and your children.
Your story reminded me of my ex moaning that he had to 'babysit' the children one time (they are his biological children).

Well, she did after the first 2. Assuming this man didn’t have a personality transplant after the 3rd.

So if you're the primary carer then focus on the kids and you and 'oh im sorry I didn't have time to HELP you by making you some food/washing your clothes/hoovering, im too busy being the Primary Carer'...

Every single time. Whilst you plan your divorce, because he's not going to get any better, he doesn't want to.

Caring for your own child is not babysitting 😂
My late ex mil, made this comment to me after her son "babysat" his own son whilst I attended an old friends funeral for 2hrs. I didn't/couldn't say anything as I was too incredulous 😅

🎯

My DH looked at having the babies as playtime. Water everywhere for bath, cot bedcovers tossed around, nappy changing more play on occasions some wee not in nappy), clothing on wrong end etc. Only when getting ready to go out were children ready speedily. Every action otherwise was a game not a chore.

@Walig54 I wish it was like that, he's more authoritarian sucks the joy out of anything . More often than not kids will end up crying because he's been bossing them around. So often i end up doing it to save the tears. But I can see how the opposite would be frustrating too.

So confused as he will refuse to apologise yet this morning its like nothing happened

This is abusive.

He is abusive.

He will never change.

Please confide in your family and friends.

Completely agree, I found that chilling too. He doesn't just sound like a dick he sounds abusive and with OPs circumstances like he has her trapped.

Op I wouldn't show him the thread or give him any idea of your plans but all the above advice of seeking legal advice and info on benefits you could access and start working on a plan to get away.

Op I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your dh is doing a bit of competitive "whose doing more?" tiredness. Has he ever taken care of baby for a few hours alone on a none work day? It may make him rethink things.

I remember cooking being an escape while dh was home after work, he took care of baby while I did this. It was the one time of day I could relax, apart from the time I burnt an entire pan of chopped veg and cried my eyes out.

If dh doesn't take care of "his" child without you practically begging him, what does he think should happen? He is happy with you cooking and looking after baby in the kitchen while he sits on his arse? That is appalling. If he isn't willing to parent, he shouldn't have become one. This isn't all on you and should be 50/50 when he has finished work.

Stand your ground op. It is disgusting him wanting to put his dinner in the bin that his exhausted wife cooked. I would be furious, he is a grown man child let him sort himself out in future. Does he have a history of this sort of behaviour?

Exactly, and op will actually get a rest while he has the dcs, and she doesn't also have a man child to deal with! Terrible behaviour from the dh, how can he be so cruel as to pour out the beer and bin meal. This is vindictive and nasty behaviour.

Seems like he can cook for himself and buy his own beer so at least that’s some jobs taken away from you . Really though. No you should not have to praise him for working in order for him to be a dad .

“he's really kind and caring to other people.”
But not to you?
That sounds just like my [emotionally abusive] ex.

He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain,

What is the point of staying together?