AIBU to expect my husband to look after baby without it being a favour to me?

[Bumpyroads]

Asked my husband to hold our baby while I cooked dinner. I had already started cooki g but had baby in the carrier and was clearly stressed. He looked after him for 25 minutes max! He now says I should respect him more with how hard he works as he was helping me out.
He said i should have said something along the lines of "i know youve had a really hard day but please can you hold the baby" ie i have to preface asking him with saying how much i value how hard he works.

He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain, something I bought him because I knew he'd had a hard day.

Im really tired of him saying im the primary carer for the children its not that hard, I have it easy. He works so hard if I ask anything of him he will say but yours the primary carer and I go to work.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just lazy and need to suck it up as actually being a stay at home mum is easy. Am I supposed to be super mum doing it all with no complaints?
For context 10 month old still wakes several times a night so I am exhausted and he is an extremely difficult/clingy baby so getting house stuff dont if difficult.
Also husband does do stuff around the house but honestly it seem like I have to be so appreciative as if he's doing me a favour not that its just one of those things because its a shared effort.

Sorry rambling..
Anyway
unreasonable - suck it up you stay at home all day thats easy and you need to appreciate he has worked hard all day.
Not unreasonable- your not asking too much and even though he's at work he should still help without it feeling like a favour

Or something in the middle

Another useless twat. Why are there so many? There are so many threads just like this 😕

You've had 3 children together and you had to teach him how to care for your youngest. So he never looked after his older children either?
Also I must have missed something but why did he want to throw his dinner away and pour the beer away? Was it because he had to be a parent for 20 minutes or was he just being a dick?
He treats you like crap, makes his kids cry and if he does anything it's not being a responsible parent but helping you out. Please tell me why you are with him.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 Eldest is 13 and not his, with our 8 year old husband was actually very ill during the baby stage so didn't look after him so he had actually never looked after a baby before. But for whatever reason decided to do no care apart from holding/playing up until a couple of months ago. When he was forced to because I was physically unable due to illness.
I think he was annoyed I had asked him to take the baby for a bit because he had had a hard day.
I think im with him because I stupidly hope it will get better (and then it does for a while but then goes shit again), i am worn down depressed and weak so simply dont have the energy to change the situation I am in, and I do overall enjoy life with him, just not when he acts like this.

i used to love going to work one day a week when my son was a baby. Time on my own on the train (bliss) then just getting on with my job with no interruptions (so peaceful). I loved being a SAHM but it is exhausting! Your husband has no idea. Somehow or other he needs to understand how hard it is looking after young children. It’s not a competition - you’re each doing your bit - but he doesn’t appreciate that after a day looking after the baby along with interrupted sleep you do need support. Why does he think
people employ nannies for goodness sake?

Having children is a shared job regardless of whether you work or not. Can you get a job when he is at home so then you are both working.

.

This is so sad. My other half was upset how much going to work made him miss out. I had to fight him to push the pushchair! He doted on our babies.

😞😞😞

Op sorry your married to such an arsehole why do men think by going out to work it gives them a get out of being a dad role you need to remind him most parents go to work and take responsibility for their children. He’s a waste of space if all parents acted like this there would be more divorce and a one child family I would not be making him his dinner again your enabling his selfish twatty behaviour you should show him this thread because he needs to learn he’s a dad now and has to take of his kids.

Next day he has off, fuck off out all day and leave him with the kids. Let’s see if he still has the same view when you get home. Your DH is a dear arsehole and needs a reality check. Work is a doodle compared to caring for kids. He clearly has zero idea. What a twat!

But that would mean op never gets a break? It needs to be 50/50 when husband isn't working.

If it’s so easy to look after a baby when you do it, how come it’s considered a hardship when he’s asked to do it.

Don't let him use the phrase 'helping you' or 'babysitting' , it's neither, you are both parents so he should be 'parenting his child' , use that phrase going forward as it denotes equal responsibility, and may make him aware he has an equal responsibility in that.

So he gets to work 9-5 and relax at home but you are expected to work 24 hours a day with no breaks? He sounds disrespectful, controlling and borderline abusive. Time to think about getting out now.
Imagine your child growing up with him as an example of what a man should be.
EDIT: Just read you have 2 other children, please leave him now, this is a horrible life for you and your children.

If it's all on OP when her husband is working, what's wrong with her husband doing the childcare when OP is working?

Sounds like you're having to put up with tantrums way before the terrible twos. This is his child, I think it's sad really that he doesn't welcome spending time with a 10mnth old - a great age. Of course a lot of it is hard work but he is unkind and inconsiderate. Where is the support for you? sleepless nights are the worst and for 10mnths totally draining, if you can as someone else said go away for a long day, include all mealtimes getting baby up, dressed, fed washed everything or a whole weekend. Make sure there's not enough food in so he has to go shopping and there's washing to be done. Then if he doesn't get it show him this post with 98% saying you are not being unreasonable and ultimatum time. He may well be working hard but I bet he can drink a hot cup of coffee, eat a meal in one go and read a newspaper - time to get real.

Not another pathetic man child with a brittle ego demanding respect for being the ‘man of the house’ and doing less than the bare minimum at home.
I am issuing a collective plea to all women: please stop rewarding these terrible creatures by having sex with them, having children with them, and generally doing anything for them. They do not deserve it. Yuck.

A Prince amongst men - NOT!
Is it to punish you because you’ve not had sex for 10 months??
I think you should discuss a lot of stuff a lot more.

Always speaks highly of you to other people. Of course he does…it’s his image that he is concerned about…not to say he isn’t right, that you are wonderful, but by his words at home, he doesn’t appear to believe it.

Kind to other people…but is different at home. yup..same thing with ego and image. Abusers often present a totally different persona to the world.

I had one like that..he’s an ex. He never changed a nappy, never fed them. Only took them anywhere once they were walking, talking and toilet trained. I was the greatest thing since sliced bread…to the outside world. At home, I could not do right for doing wrong at times. Other times, if he was getting his way and I was fitting his mould, he could be funny, interesting even kind..fixing my car -so long as I helped. He didn’t do ‘women’s work’ ..ok if I did men’s work.

Edited to add…he was especially nice for a while if he thought I was slipping away…once he thought I’d settled in again, he would be nasty…highs and lows over and over …a kind of control
Not the kind of marriage children should grow up in

During work hours your job is the baby and the house and his is whatever his job is. After work hours the baby and the house are dual responsibilities. So he shoulsn't need to be asked.

If she wants more than one child I would get pregnant first. I have met too many women who desperately wanted more than one child but either only had one because of this reason or who bounced into another bad relationship because they felt time was running out. It is slso healthier if you are going to be a single parent for your child to have a sibling so you don't end up with an unhealthy attachment (OK this is only an observation but while single mother/daughter seems OK single mother/son I have seen some really iffy ones).

He said i should have said something along the lines of "i know youve had a really hard day but please can you hold the baby" ie i have to preface asking him with saying how much i value how hard he works.
He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain, something I bought him because I knew he'd had a hard day.

I think this is nasty and manipulative behaviour. He's punishing you for asking him to Be A Dad while he's at home.

I agree with PPs that when you're both at home, the parenting should be shared. He wouldn't be doing you a favour or babysitting, he would just be pulling his weight as a parent. Whilst his job might be more demanding physically (depending on whether you get a decent night's sleep), being a stay at home parent is pretty relentless. When I went back to work after maternity leave, I realised how nice it was to be able to go to the loo or get myself a drink without worrying that my one-year-old would jump off a piece of furniture and injure herself while my back was turned.

I'm not sure what else you can try OP. You have already tried and he can't maintain it. He doesn't really want to change either.

I think you would feel less stressed, depressed and worn down without him in the mix to be frank.

You might be the primary carer but he's their father. What does fatherhood actually mean to him? Have you asked him? What was his dad like? Are his friends all dicks too?

The number of men who do no proper parenting, watch their wives run themselves ragged plugging the gaps but are suprised they don't feel sexy is mad.

Help your husband to be a fully involved family team member in your marriage and in parenthood. You BOTH work full time! If you have Facebook you could learn a lot from this lady, Paige O’Connell. Here’s the link to her page.
https://www.facebook.com/share/1B3cVWyyuj/?mibextid=wwXIfr
Good luck.

OP, i feel so sorry for you, but I feel even more sorry for those children.

In a highly abusive household with a bad tempered prick, and a beaten into the ground mother.

Horrendous childhood.
Please reach out for help.

She has 3 children.