AIBU to expect my husband to look after baby without it being a favour to me?

[Bumpyroads]

Asked my husband to hold our baby while I cooked dinner. I had already started cooki g but had baby in the carrier and was clearly stressed. He looked after him for 25 minutes max! He now says I should respect him more with how hard he works as he was helping me out.
He said i should have said something along the lines of "i know youve had a really hard day but please can you hold the baby" ie i have to preface asking him with saying how much i value how hard he works.

He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain, something I bought him because I knew he'd had a hard day.

Im really tired of him saying im the primary carer for the children its not that hard, I have it easy. He works so hard if I ask anything of him he will say but yours the primary carer and I go to work.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just lazy and need to suck it up as actually being a stay at home mum is easy. Am I supposed to be super mum doing it all with no complaints?
For context 10 month old still wakes several times a night so I am exhausted and he is an extremely difficult/clingy baby so getting house stuff dont if difficult.
Also husband does do stuff around the house but honestly it seem like I have to be so appreciative as if he's doing me a favour not that its just one of those things because its a shared effort.

Sorry rambling..
Anyway
unreasonable - suck it up you stay at home all day thats easy and you need to appreciate he has worked hard all day.
Not unreasonable- your not asking too much and even though he's at work he should still help without it feeling like a favour

Or something in the middle

He’s a nasty abusive arsehole who doesn’t even want to PARENT his own children! It’s not helping you it’s spending time with his children!

Lovely life?

No, not really,

Im not ignoring everyone. Im just quietly reading and thinking. Im actually a bit overwhelmed at the response and not sure im as strong as you lot to just divorce him. Maybe its the years and years of being worn down.
Of course he has now been on good form past couple of days but as someone mentioned cycle of abuse I can see this is how it works.. Just giving me that little bit of hope things might improve. Keeping me too exhausted and codependent to actually leave.

@Bumpyroads you see it, that's the first step x

I don’t even know where to begin. He sounds pathetic.

@Bumpyroads please don't consider those shouting out divorce at this stage as advice. Im not sure where people get off brazenly writing such outrageous comments without really knowing any information at all. So dramatic! Is this how people really exist in relationships?! If so, Ive no doubt they've got multiple ex partners etc. Clearly your husband is behaving very unfairly, it is indefensible. Have you shown him this thread? Try marriage counselling to help you both communicate your feelings better. I'm sure with some therapy things would improve. He might even need it for himself. You cannot continue as you are, that's for sure, but Im sure there's the potential to save your marriage!

@Bluehouse14 thanks, I agree councilling would help as it did before and definitely cot us in a good place for a few years. Just things have slipped back.
Im not about to throw away 10 years of marriage without working on it but at the same time im just exhausted .
People do seem to suggest divorce as if its easy and will happen just like that.

So you'll book in for a block of counselling every few years for when he gets shit again? I'm not saying immediately divorce, but you can't live like this for the rest of your life, surely? Plus modelling this kind of imbalanced relationship to your children.

Divorce isn’t easy.
Nor is living with an abuser …the peaks and troughs are exhausting and addictive in a way. …

and often counselling doesn’t help with the abuser present, because they can manipulate things.
Id try some counselling on your own with someone you can get it all out to. Might help clarify things. It can also help to keep a diary..record bad days and good days, what made it bad, what made it good and see if you can detect a pattern. It helps focus the mind when you can get overwhelmed just thinking about it. Have you family support for help?

Just remember, your children will see your marriage and it will shape what they think marriage is. What kind of partner they will grow up to be.

Also, you are only here once and you can’t get time back.

So I’d be more aware of his behaviours, your reactions and why, and act in your own and your children’s best interests.

Counselling and therapy is ineffective and actually dangerous in instances of abuse. No we’re not dramatic, we recognise patterns of abusive behaviour because we’ve lived it. People like you dismiss our voices, fail to hold abusers to account, and discourage people from reaching out for help. OP, at the very least, have a chat with Women’s Aid when you have a private moment, and describe what’s going on to them, at least just to reach out for support.

Why don’t you reach out to women’s aid or do the freedom programme. You need to be aware of what he is doing to you.

Therapists are usually pretty good at spotting abusive patterns and raising safeguarding alerts. Op has already said they benefitted from counselling previously for a few years. From the tiny snippet of information given, I think it's inappropriate/dangerous to label his behaviour as abusive - it may well be - I dont deny that. Couldnt possibly comment either way. If you are concerned re abuse op then please reach out to the organisations advised and discuss. My main point is that I think it is galling to label 'he's an abuser!!' or advocate divorce based on such little information over the Internet.

You don’t need to do everything all at once op, just keep learning about abuse and maybe consider counselling solo. That might help give you some breathing space and a shoulder to lean on as you process things,

Start looking into things like monetary entitlements if you were to split. Consider getting a part time job just to get some income coming in if possible. Make sure you have your own bank account. Start asking him to put money into that perhaps, for ‘household necessities’ but keep some back. If he wants to be a provider, tell him to provide. Tell him you expect to be financially taken care of or he can’t claim to be a provider. Play to his ego. And speak to a solicitor about what ifs and what they would need to serve your best interests if you divorce.

Little by little. Maybe set a goal of checking one thing off each week.

And once you have enough information and preparation you can decide on things then.

Tell him to piss off back to his mother’s house so you have one less child to look after. What a shameless prick.

Why has she HAD to give up work?

Because he won't look after the kids. You think they're going to magically take care of themselves?

Just picked up on this post OP.

in my experience, the stress is not the kids, it’s the man. Being able to manage your own household and day on your own is much easier. your body and mind will be breaking because of his behaviour. These men feel like a dark cloud don’t they? It’s suffocating. Have you ever felt like he has his fingers in your brain and wringing it out? exhausting and confusing you is part of what they do, and they make you believe you’ll struggle to get by without their “help” (whatever capacity that might be).

I don’t agree he is not abusing you, what you’ve described is not a harmless failure to disagree on a few aspects of life together, and those that say “make him pay for childcare and get back to work”, no you can’t make these people do anything, they outright refuse their responsibilities, including their children, to their children’s detriment. When you do start rocking the boat the way they respond is diabolical.

OP please start having conversations with Women’s Aid, there are things in place to help you.

Pouring the beer down the drain that you bought him as a nice gesture and then saying he's going to also put the dinner you cooked in the bin... what would you say if one of your friends told you this about their husband? Surely it would be obvious that it's disgusting behaviour bordering on emotionally abusive?

Regardless of the issues around his lack of respect for what you do with the children, there are serious other problems in your relationship and things that need to change.

People talking about woman’s aid which is an amazing service but also there are woman I there who are drug addicts, have chaotic lives and children who have been open to SW since birth, staying there can potentially be more traumatic for children than what they have at home

Being a SAHP for 3 kids sounds bloody exhausting. I’d rather go back to work and use childcare, if my partner wasn’t being at all supportive. Has using childcare and returning to work been discussed?

I pray this is a rage bait post and not actually someone’s reality I truly pray