AIBU to be fed up with my in-laws' reverse one-upmanship?

[GreenPoppies]

I know I'm not being unreasonable because making disparaging comments about someone elses choices is always rude but does anyone else get so annoyed by reverse one-upmanship?

My in-laws are the ultimate in this. We are going on holiday to Portugal in August and they are flabbergasted that we are flying. "But why can't you just drive? It's so brilliant. We love driving. The views from the motorway are second to none. I don't understand why you're flying" Because, Not-So-Dear In-Laws, we have 9 month old and a 2 year old, and 2-3 days of driving is neither comfortable nor practical. "But just do it all in one go, it's only 24 hours if you drive non-stop, you'll be fine, it's so much fun, I don't understand why anybody would fly there in 2 hours when you could drive there in 24! Such luxury!".

We took our (then) 18 month old camping last year in our 4 man tent. "you sat on CHAIRS?! Oh wow, that's crazy, I can't believe you sat on chairs, we would just sit on a tesco bag. And that tent may as well be a castle, we just prop up a tarp and sleep under that, no need for sleeping bags, it's so much fun to camp without all the unnecessary extras".

We were once on a walking holiday with them and I mentioned (didn't make a fuss or anything) that I needed to stop at a shop. When they pressed ("why on earth do you need a shop? Just sustain yourself on beer for 3 days!") I said I needed some plasters as a stone had got into my walking boot and rubbed my foot raw, I'd bled all over my sock. I was made out to be the most precious princess ever, to this day I'm ribbed about "can't even do a 6 hour walk without needing a plaster the next day! We just walked through the blood!"

I'm getting fed up of gritting my teeth and putting up with it. I've bitten back a few times and told them to shut up if they can't say anything nice but again, I'm seen as 'dramatic' and it's ignored. I now try and avoid them but obviously they are my kid's grandparents and otherwise not bad people so needs must.

It feels like they assign a moral worth to anyone who does not suffer like bloody Christ on the cross! I'm a second rate human being because I fly, camp in a tent, use plasters and god-forbid breathe bloody oxygen. The fact I've run 10+ ultramarathons (so fully know what discomfort feels like) goes ignored....

Arghh I feel better for that rant now :)

Could it be that they are put out because you really are superior to them in the suffering stakes, having done all those marathons? Maybe they are just trying to redress the balance in their favour. My mother and brother liked to pretend they knew more than me about the subjects I studied at university, or else they found some obscure fact I was expected to know about the whole of human history. Maybe they've just got a chip on their shoulder because their daughter-in-law really is superwoman and they feel inferior and want to bring her back down to their level.

Well they sound like a couple of charmers not! All this one upmanship (or down manship!) Some how meant to make us feel inferior .just mad .Why on earth would anyone choose to drive to Europe with small children?

Nothing to add really, just wanted to say that you made me laugh, so thanks!

You beat me to it!

They sound fucking insufferable. Maybe say something like "that sounds crap" next time they start yammering?

A bingo card is the only way to cope with this sort of thing. You are so busy giving yourself a mental high five when the phrase 'walked and walked' is used that you don't get annoyed and they don't feel like you are dissing them. DH and I used to do bingo cards when visiting the PIL and the loser had to buy the takeaway/treats on the way home
If it was actively offensive, then the broken record technique can work (like the 'you do you' suggestion above), but its a pita to do.

Try playing into it. Say “oh gosh you’re much tougher than me, very impressive! You must think I’m a right wimp!” They’re looking for validation so give it to them in excess and perhaps they’ll realise what they’re doing.

Do it to them. Wait for them to say something and do it to them.
twats.

For anyone old enough there’s a Blackadder episode featuring Miriam Margolyes and I can almost hear her voice.

I would have to bite my tongue not to say 'you're insane' everytime they spoke to me

Sorry OP, but this is hilarious. I can see why you'd find it irritating but you're taking them too seriously. That's just the way they are, there's virtue in suffering for them - and it's generally people who have life good who can indulge in that sort of attitude. I'd be going massively the other way with comments about there being no joy in pain, no need to suffer needlessly, to save energy for pain which is inescapable, and outright lol-ing when they say the more preposterous thing.

I had to watch this and honestly this could be your MIL @GreenPoppies 🤣

I take it they are fans of Monty Python's the Four Yorkshiremen?

How utterly boring and draining. I'd avoid any more holidays with them, discussions, visits, talking to them entirely 😅 and leave hubby to deal! Grins.

Edited: Ha, saw above, not the only one to think of Monty Python. Am so unoriginal!

Give us some of their favorite phrases @GreenPoppies I’ll design a bingo card for you 😂Sounds like one of them is, “Such luxury!” I think I could feel your teeth grind when you typed that.

People who do the Oneupmanship thing are known as elevenerifers so let’s call them ninerifers 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would definitely one up them back in the Yorkshire Men style.

'You sat on Tesco bags? Ooooooh luxury! What's wrong with Aldi bags? Too good for Aldi, are we?'

Totally this. We’ve got an aged relative who, if you’ve been to somewhere or done something, not only has she been too, or her daughter has, but she did stuff you couldn’t POSSIBLY have done. Tenarife, Elevenarife.

She is well travelled and maybe some of it is true but some seems rather far fetched, and we have no way of knowing if she actually did any of it, or just wants the one-upmanship. After all these years, we assume it’s the latter because it’s so predictable.

She also is very disparaging of anyone who watches TV. So one Christmas we asked if she’d been to Craggy Island, it has a rather famous parochial house that was on TV once. Yep, she had. Best thing was, another relative didn’t know our game, but recognised exactly what we were doing and played along!

(yes I know you can actually go but there is NO WAY she’d have even heard of Father Ted)

It’s hilarious. Honestly, turning it into a game for yourself really does make the difference.

Just say laugh and say 'You two are such a hoot!'

Or play a tiny, tiny violin.

Agree with this. Possibly with the occasional add-in of "oh dear, gosh, I wish I could be more like you [sigh]..."

You have my sincere sympathy though, @GreenPoppies - this would seriously boil my p~ss. I used to have a colleague like this. Awful. If you ever watched the League of Gentlemen and Pauline, the Re-Start Officer, she was that woman down to a very tee. Even the glasses and shade of lipstick. But whatever anecdote was related, she would overtalk you with relations of similar scenarios in which her son or her dog (usually the dog) had done it bigger, better and bolder than us. Deeply tedious, but we all knew what was coming whenever anything was said - many an eye was rolled.

What does your DH think? Is he in awe of their magnificence or with you in silent fury? Realistically, the answer is to not go away with them, or discuss holidays or trips out in any detail beyond the very basics. Who is it that's telling you to "shut up if you can't be nice"? Because that is very, VERY unkind and I'd keep an eye on that. You do not have to put up with being humiliated and abused just because they are grandparents. Being a grandparent is not an automatic free pass for arseholery. Visits can be stopped, or limited, or curtailed the minute nastiness erupts. That is not being overly-dramatic. Some bullies do it with a smile - and what you have described does sound like bullying and deeply unfunny. The colleague I mentioned above, like LoG Pauline, was also a vicious bully. She was one of the reasons I left that job.

Assuming it's not symptomatic of a wider and developing problem, let "Chateau de Chasselas" be your watchword. Anytime it starts up, just smile and say "chateau de chasselas" as sweetly as you dare.

Best wishes to you. x

Why didn’t you say ‘oh I love flying, a glass of wine,a good movie ‘
ditto for other stuff -I love to sit by my tent sunbathing in My bikini and chat up the chap in the next tent etc

Mine are the other way around, always telling us we should stay at home. Shaking their heads pityingly saying it's such a shame for young people having to leave the house. If the dc mention we are going somewhere we get told we should stay at home because it will probably rain and there will be traffic. And they say traffic in a kind of hushed whisper as if they are talking about something terrible.

Why do you take them so seriously? When they start telling their stories, why not interrupt and embellish it for them.
Take the piss out of them in a gentle, loving, tongue in cheek sort of way.

"Oh yes, you drove for 24 hours with no sleep, and no engine either. Such a luxury, the modern combustion engine. Derrick used his teeth to gnaw a hole in the car's floor so he could propel it forwards Flintson-style. Yaba daba do. His feet were worn up to the knee by the time you got there but you didn't need to go to the expense of buying a plaster for his suppurating stumps. You just wrapped them in tesco bags. Bliss"

My favourite BA sketch.

Someone was going on about something the other day and all I could hear in my head was "turnip, a turnip..."

I think you need to lose your temper properly with them “Look can you please stop going on about driving. It sounds crap to me and we’d rather fly. I don’t scrutinise every choice you make and bang on about it for half an hour so please show me the same courtesy. Just give it a rest and change the topic.” Try not to make it personal- make it factual.

Either that or tell your DH that they are driving you up the wall and you’re worried you’ll properly lose your temper with them so you’re avoiding them for a while. He can take the kids to see them on his own or they can come to you (you’ll be out for the duration obviously).

I don’t hear Monty Python or Blackadder, I hear Harry Enfield… ‘You don’t want to do it like that, you want to do it like this!!!’

Yes we have an in-laws bingo card and it really helps us tolerate their nonsense. Either that or cultivate an indulgent chuckle whilst say ‘How ridiculous’ in response to their suggestions.