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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with my in-laws' reverse one-upmanship?

163 replies

GreenPoppies · 01/05/2026 16:13

I know I'm not being unreasonable because making disparaging comments about someone elses choices is always rude but does anyone else get so annoyed by reverse one-upmanship?

My in-laws are the ultimate in this. We are going on holiday to Portugal in August and they are flabbergasted that we are flying. "But why can't you just drive? It's so brilliant. We love driving. The views from the motorway are second to none. I don't understand why you're flying" Because, Not-So-Dear In-Laws, we have 9 month old and a 2 year old, and 2-3 days of driving is neither comfortable nor practical. "But just do it all in one go, it's only 24 hours if you drive non-stop, you'll be fine, it's so much fun, I don't understand why anybody would fly there in 2 hours when you could drive there in 24! Such luxury!".

We took our (then) 18 month old camping last year in our 4 man tent. "you sat on CHAIRS?! Oh wow, that's crazy, I can't believe you sat on chairs, we would just sit on a tesco bag. And that tent may as well be a castle, we just prop up a tarp and sleep under that, no need for sleeping bags, it's so much fun to camp without all the unnecessary extras".

We were once on a walking holiday with them and I mentioned (didn't make a fuss or anything) that I needed to stop at a shop. When they pressed ("why on earth do you need a shop? Just sustain yourself on beer for 3 days!") I said I needed some plasters as a stone had got into my walking boot and rubbed my foot raw, I'd bled all over my sock. I was made out to be the most precious princess ever, to this day I'm ribbed about "can't even do a 6 hour walk without needing a plaster the next day! We just walked through the blood!"

I'm getting fed up of gritting my teeth and putting up with it. I've bitten back a few times and told them to shut up if they can't say anything nice but again, I'm seen as 'dramatic' and it's ignored. I now try and avoid them but obviously they are my kid's grandparents and otherwise not bad people so needs must.

It feels like they assign a moral worth to anyone who does not suffer like bloody Christ on the cross! I'm a second rate human being because I fly, camp in a tent, use plasters and god-forbid breathe bloody oxygen. The fact I've run 10+ ultramarathons (so fully know what discomfort feels like) goes ignored....

Arghh I feel better for that rant now :)

OP posts:
Bunny65 · 03/05/2026 01:20

Tell them you're proud to be a princess. How bizarre to expect you to walk with painful feet. They sound incredibly weird.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 03/05/2026 04:10

Are these people for real?

They do not seem to understand what comfort. pleasure and enjoyment in life are about.

Sounds as though they would be happier living in Refugee Csmp.or War Zone..Where people genuinely suffer from shortages. terrible living conditions and limited resources on a daily basis.

Because they have no choice.

Eeh By Gum.

Best holiday we've ever had

Steeleydan · 03/05/2026 07:19

AliasGrape · 02/05/2026 09:03

I have a similar relative, on my side of the family in this case, and I’ve found just sort of chuckling and saying ‘ahh you’re so funny’ works the best in that case. I think DH has a latent streak of this in him because I sometimes worry said relative is giving him ideas!

My MIL is a nice, kind lady but her version of this is claiming that certain things just didn’t exist when her kids were small. Some of it’s true - there weren’t all the baby sensory, baby swimming etc groups for example. And parenting expectations were different definitely. But she’s taken that theme and ran with it so that in her mind pretty much anything I ever did or bought for my daughter just simply didn’t exist in the 80s when hers were small. Forgetting I was also small then and remember that they did. Charity shops. Restaurants that allowed children in. Nowhere sold children’s clothes. They didn’t have children’s books at the library. Nobody made their own food when weaning it all just came out of jars - crazy to think that home made food is a modern invention! Conditioner. Colouring books (you just had to use scrap paper) etc etc etc. I just smile and say ‘wow really’ but I definitely have let it wind me up internally at times.

Edited

That library thing is utter shite! I was born in 1972, on Saturday mornings my dad took us to local library I'd be 5 or 6 ish so late 70s into early 80s.
I had every topsy and Tim book out of there, I loved getting my book stamped, the stamper thingy just fascinated me. I even had my own library card. So she's talking shite

FeistyFrankie · 03/05/2026 08:26

MyCottageGarden · 01/05/2026 17:00

I’d test them! Make up some ott extreme tale of hardship (on some outing or something) but dressed up all fun & enjoyable then watch them scramble for ways to imply they suffered more or how you should’ve done it.

Yes, this. Next time you go on holiday, tell them you're walking there. All the way to wherever. And see what they come up with.

ThisJadeBear · 03/05/2026 08:27

@Steeleydan yes one thing we did have was the library.
We were called Junior Readers and had a blue card.
The kids’ section in my local library was as big as the adult section.
And I can remember going for meals occasionally and definitely getting clothed.
I can remember having a lot of stuff from a brand called Ladybird? And M&S stuff at Christmas, as well as C&A.

SALaw · 03/05/2026 08:39

Eggandchipsandrockandroll · 01/05/2026 16:23

This reminds me of Monty Python's Yorkshire men, will give you a good laugh OP if you've not seen it!

Exactly! I was going to suggest that you call them that and start quoting some lines to them!

curious79 · 03/05/2026 08:55

Personally, I would be mimicking them each time once they started and just going one step further. I mean massive piss taking. Really lean into it and have fun.

Turnitoffnonagain · 03/05/2026 09:11

This is one of the funniest threads I've read for ages.

The "yes, isn't it great" response on repeat is genius. Going to use that.

Comtesse · 03/05/2026 09:23

SingingHinny · 01/05/2026 17:24

Just say laugh and say 'You two are such a hoot!'

Or play a tiny, tiny violin.

Great response - a bit patronising, just amused tee hee, better than they deserve tbh!

sueelleker · 03/05/2026 09:25

ErrolTheDragon · 01/05/2026 16:16

Dear lord, they sound like they’ve escaped from some sort of comedy sketch show😂

I agree. "We walked to school in the snow, uphill both ways". I thought the first post was a joke.

Comtesse · 03/05/2026 09:34

While we’re on Monty Python territory “tis but a flesh wound” might be worth quoting liberally if anyone else takes the piss out of needing plasters!

LakieLady · 03/05/2026 09:35

ErrolTheDragon · 01/05/2026 16:16

Dear lord, they sound like they’ve escaped from some sort of comedy sketch show😂

As I was reading the opening post, I thought "This would make a bloody good comedy sketch"!

They sound really tedious OP, I'd be minded to go low contact with them, and give away very little about where you go etc.

thebabessavedme · 03/05/2026 09:37

I like camping, was talking to my parents about some stuff I had bought for next holiday, all I got was 'that's not camping!, electric lights! blow up mattress! yada yada, my reply? 'I'm astonished you both know so much about camping, I've known you for 63 years now and I've never once known either of you sleep in a tent' The silence was wonderful😂

Bobcurlygirl · 03/05/2026 09:43

Yes I had a FIL like that. He was more the sort to make snide comments. "your children will turn into delinquents as you are going back to work and using a nursery" (SiL didn't work).
I just stuck to the same response "oh FIL! We have a saying back home, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" worked quite well.

MustWeDoThis · 03/05/2026 10:34

GreenPoppies · 01/05/2026 16:13

I know I'm not being unreasonable because making disparaging comments about someone elses choices is always rude but does anyone else get so annoyed by reverse one-upmanship?

My in-laws are the ultimate in this. We are going on holiday to Portugal in August and they are flabbergasted that we are flying. "But why can't you just drive? It's so brilliant. We love driving. The views from the motorway are second to none. I don't understand why you're flying" Because, Not-So-Dear In-Laws, we have 9 month old and a 2 year old, and 2-3 days of driving is neither comfortable nor practical. "But just do it all in one go, it's only 24 hours if you drive non-stop, you'll be fine, it's so much fun, I don't understand why anybody would fly there in 2 hours when you could drive there in 24! Such luxury!".

We took our (then) 18 month old camping last year in our 4 man tent. "you sat on CHAIRS?! Oh wow, that's crazy, I can't believe you sat on chairs, we would just sit on a tesco bag. And that tent may as well be a castle, we just prop up a tarp and sleep under that, no need for sleeping bags, it's so much fun to camp without all the unnecessary extras".

We were once on a walking holiday with them and I mentioned (didn't make a fuss or anything) that I needed to stop at a shop. When they pressed ("why on earth do you need a shop? Just sustain yourself on beer for 3 days!") I said I needed some plasters as a stone had got into my walking boot and rubbed my foot raw, I'd bled all over my sock. I was made out to be the most precious princess ever, to this day I'm ribbed about "can't even do a 6 hour walk without needing a plaster the next day! We just walked through the blood!"

I'm getting fed up of gritting my teeth and putting up with it. I've bitten back a few times and told them to shut up if they can't say anything nice but again, I'm seen as 'dramatic' and it's ignored. I now try and avoid them but obviously they are my kid's grandparents and otherwise not bad people so needs must.

It feels like they assign a moral worth to anyone who does not suffer like bloody Christ on the cross! I'm a second rate human being because I fly, camp in a tent, use plasters and god-forbid breathe bloody oxygen. The fact I've run 10+ ultramarathons (so fully know what discomfort feels like) goes ignored....

Arghh I feel better for that rant now :)

They sound absolutely feral.

My response? "Why on earth do you sleep in a bed at night!? I just sleep on the floor of a shop door-way. Much more fun! Tally-ho!"

FlapperFlamingo · 03/05/2026 15:21

That's so annoying for you OP. My MIL could be like this. An example that sticks in my mind was she asked what we'd done with the kids one day during school holidays, I said we'd gone swimming then geo-caching (kid's choices). She then regaled us with tales of how she didn't do boring activities, and how they walked up some mountain in Yorkshire and got completely lost but luckily met a man who walked them some of the way back, then went down the wrong side of the mountain and someone else had to take them back to their car and it was after dark when they arrived back. Oh and it was near a military zone and a soldier had turned them back from their path and helped them get to a village.

And I replied "Really? I like to plan things quite well so I don't disrupt the day of random people or require the armed forces to get me back to my car".

Anyway, my response was to reduce the number of times I saw her, and also reduce my speaking time when I did see her. If she started a rant about some activity and how hilarious it was I'd just go on my phone and let DH handle it.

Tuesdayschild50 · 03/05/2026 16:20

🤣😂🤣 this would wind me up aswell.
Let's all slog it because they do .
How could you drive in one go to Portugal with little ones that young .. not to mention driving while tired the safety aspect of it ..
We did drive to Spain a couple of times and im not kidding its hard going my kids were 4 and 6 at the time really good they were amazing ..... but one was sick in the car everywhere before we got on a ferry .. we missed ferry's.. got lost all the time as their dad wouldn't use sat nav....
My sons are 23&25 now and always said why didn't my dad just jump on a plane for 2 hrs for God's sake 😂🤣 we did part ways not long after those trips so ignore your in-laws and tell them shut up .

Abbyant · 03/05/2026 19:20

3 days driving in foreign countries sounds horrendous and I’d say as much why suffer in a car for days when you can travel in ease by plane and enjoy your resort.

wizzywig · 03/05/2026 19:39

Cant believe they are talking when just huffing at you will do

PoorEileen · 03/05/2026 19:41

My dad was a bit like this. Total fucking fantasist with it and all. If you’d got a splinter he’d be stabbed in the stomach.
He was a fucking tit. And my MiL is the same, DH and I bonded over it. I often think my idea of hell would be being a fly on a wall listening to MiL and my dad have a conversation.
My dad (who was given a detention in secondary school) to MiL - “I was once a prisoner of war”
MiL (who was once grounded) “I was captured by adolf hitler himself. I only survived by seducing him until I was rescued by Churchill’s top secret special forces”
Dad - “Oh Churchill once needed advice from me”…
Utterfuckingbollocks.
It’s misery olympics. These people’s personalities are simply just how tough they’ve had it and when they meet people who have genuinely had it tough they can’t loose and make up any old shite. It sounds funny when it’s described as in the op as how they sit on Tesco bags and a camping chair is a luxury, but it is draining and exhausting to be around.

Nettie1964 · 03/05/2026 20:39

Cordeliasdemonbabies · 02/05/2026 08:08

Is this a chatgpt response? Reads just like one.

Show quote history

I think the suggestion that they drive with the kids while you fly is the best, your in-laws sound insane I know how grating it can be.

TeaCupTinsel · 04/05/2026 05:56

Oh gosh OP, this would utterly infuriate me. I'd be hitting their comments with sarcasm at this point, loud sarcasm and making sure others (non family, random strangers) hear it too
e.g. 'Oh yes, I am such a perfect princess for wanting a plaster to put on my bleeding ankle...however must I cope in life?'

Or if it's about doing things e.g. chairs and tesco bags I'd repeatedly use the catchphrases:

'Well, we can't all be martyrs Pete and Janet'

'We can't all fall on our swords Pete and Janet, thanks for taking one for the team!'

Or one-up them again with a sprinkle of cheek:

Pete and Janet: 'Can't believe you sat on chairs, we sat on Tesco bags.'

You: 'No, no, no Pete and Janet, the kids sat on the chairs, husband and I huddled together on the disused wrappings of an Aldi pasta bag... it was a comfortable evening.'

And I would not stop taking the p*ss and laughing at them, to their faces, until it became so uncomfortable they stopped.

This would be war.

(Although, I do hope you're ok OP? Trust me, I know inlaws drama and it is so draining, even when it's ridiculous!)

Plinketyplonks · 04/05/2026 06:48

Ha! My mum can br a bit like this. She uses the expression ‘in my day we just got on with it.’ A woman moved to her village who was a bereavement counsellor. Mum said she’d never heard of one of those and ‘in my day etc.’ etc etc

Usernamenotav · 04/05/2026 07:27

This is so weird! And i don't think it can really be called one-up manship as they're not even upping you, they're downing you 🤣 so bizarre.

There's a saying about people that always want to one-up
'If you've been to tenerife, they've been to elevenerife' but in this case I think they've been to ninerife? 😂

Lunaballoon · 04/05/2026 07:49

I would definitely not be going on holiday with these people! Holidays are supposed to be precious relaxed times with loved ones, not an upmanship competition!