AIBU to be fed up with my in-laws' reverse one-upmanship?

[GreenPoppies]

I know I'm not being unreasonable because making disparaging comments about someone elses choices is always rude but does anyone else get so annoyed by reverse one-upmanship?

My in-laws are the ultimate in this. We are going on holiday to Portugal in August and they are flabbergasted that we are flying. "But why can't you just drive? It's so brilliant. We love driving. The views from the motorway are second to none. I don't understand why you're flying" Because, Not-So-Dear In-Laws, we have 9 month old and a 2 year old, and 2-3 days of driving is neither comfortable nor practical. "But just do it all in one go, it's only 24 hours if you drive non-stop, you'll be fine, it's so much fun, I don't understand why anybody would fly there in 2 hours when you could drive there in 24! Such luxury!".

We took our (then) 18 month old camping last year in our 4 man tent. "you sat on CHAIRS?! Oh wow, that's crazy, I can't believe you sat on chairs, we would just sit on a tesco bag. And that tent may as well be a castle, we just prop up a tarp and sleep under that, no need for sleeping bags, it's so much fun to camp without all the unnecessary extras".

We were once on a walking holiday with them and I mentioned (didn't make a fuss or anything) that I needed to stop at a shop. When they pressed ("why on earth do you need a shop? Just sustain yourself on beer for 3 days!") I said I needed some plasters as a stone had got into my walking boot and rubbed my foot raw, I'd bled all over my sock. I was made out to be the most precious princess ever, to this day I'm ribbed about "can't even do a 6 hour walk without needing a plaster the next day! We just walked through the blood!"

I'm getting fed up of gritting my teeth and putting up with it. I've bitten back a few times and told them to shut up if they can't say anything nice but again, I'm seen as 'dramatic' and it's ignored. I now try and avoid them but obviously they are my kid's grandparents and otherwise not bad people so needs must.

It feels like they assign a moral worth to anyone who does not suffer like bloody Christ on the cross! I'm a second rate human being because I fly, camp in a tent, use plasters and god-forbid breathe bloody oxygen. The fact I've run 10+ ultramarathons (so fully know what discomfort feels like) goes ignored....

Arghh I feel better for that rant now :)

Yes please! I haven't laughed so much in ages.

I feel your pain, OP, but thanks to you and other posters who've contributed excellent sarcasm and Blackadder/MP scenes for a hearty laugh this morning 😁

They do sound tedious and draining.

I would give them loads of attention when they do it - ask loads of interested questions, heap on the praise (not in an ott sarcastic way, even if I was tempted) whilst simultaneously making it clear that their way isn’t for you (definitely not being defensive). Make it into a little fun game for myself with the hope that it gently helps them realise. Until they start self reflecting a bit (which may be never) I would give up on them being anything other than judgemental/being able to connect on a deeper level. That and not fall over myself to spend time with them.

Fake sympathy might be funny too. “Oh gosh you poor things couldnt imagine having to drive all that way <passive aggressive shudder>.

Is this a chatgpt response? Reads just like one.

Thanks all some of your replies have made me laugh! I hadn’t seen the four horseman thing but will quote it to them when they start going on 😂

FIL is worse than MIL for this. I’ve tried taking several of the approaches mentioned and he just grins and giggles at me like a teenage boy. He is slightly odd, it’s like he’s trying to wind us up but also genuinely thinks we’re a bit soft.

DH I think has grown immune and just ignores him now. I only let it annoy me when I’m in a bad mood 😂

Another one for you- suitcases. Who needs suitcases to go on holiday with? Surely all you need for a week away is a change of pants and a toothbrush in your Tesco carrier bag? Anything more…..SUCH LUXURY!

Carrier bag?! Why do you need one of those? Surely you can just stuff your toothbrush and pants in your pocket? That’s what we did in MY day. Young people these days are just snowflakes.
And don’t get me started on Tesco. Oooh luxury! Too good for Aldi are we?!

🤣
You know what i've been tempted many times !

😂 if i do, i'll do a thread on it ...

I have a similar relative, on my side of the family in this case, and I’ve found just sort of chuckling and saying ‘ahh you’re so funny’ works the best in that case. I think DH has a latent streak of this in him because I sometimes worry said relative is giving him ideas!

My MIL is a nice, kind lady but her version of this is claiming that certain things just didn’t exist when her kids were small. Some of it’s true - there weren’t all the baby sensory, baby swimming etc groups for example. And parenting expectations were different definitely. But she’s taken that theme and ran with it so that in her mind pretty much anything I ever did or bought for my daughter just simply didn’t exist in the 80s when hers were small. Forgetting I was also small then and remember that they did. Charity shops. Restaurants that allowed children in. Nowhere sold children’s clothes. They didn’t have children’s books at the library. Nobody made their own food when weaning it all just came out of jars - crazy to think that home made food is a modern invention! Conditioner. Colouring books (you just had to use scrap paper) etc etc etc. I just smile and say ‘wow really’ but I definitely have let it wind me up internally at times.

Yes, this! Thank you, your post has given me my first laugh of the day.

This was a friend of mine

There's a massive age gap between her and her sister-they where not close

I'd just had baby 3 when the sister had her first and pnd

All the poor sod heard was 'star doesn't do that with hers' 'star does that with her baby' 'star uses a dummy' 'star wouldn't have bought that for baby'

If id have been the sister I would have wanted to punch my lights out

I knew nothing about this until years later and all the babies have grown into lovely adults

Im far from being perfect myself and was muddling through with pnd myself

🤣🤣🤣

Wow, you old people are so funny!! What on earth do you need a toothbrush for? You can just used a bit of bog roll or your teeshirt hem? And pants? Blimey one pair will last 4 days if you turn them round back to front and then repeat with them inside out, surely? If you’re leaving for a week, double-up and wear the second pair on top - and begin the process again on day 5 with the top pair? No need to ruin the planet with a carrier bag, after all.

They sound delightful full of themselves total twats. Time to take them to task or the suffering will never end.

Are they working class northerners by any chance? My dad used to revel in ‘you’ve never had it so good’ at times… the old ‘when I were a lad’ …. Followed by stories of bathing in tin baths in back yard, having half a boiled egg on a Sunday as a treat and bedrooms so cold there was frost on the inside of the windows.

it’s also the post war generation who had to ration and make do and mend.

I think they may be enjoying their own humour and winding you up.

😂😂😂

I really hope you have made this up - they are insane!

Would you suggest to them that they could drive your two children to Portugal and you’ll fly and meet them there?

i’d love to see that one…

@GreenPoppies as others have said, turn this into ‘One Down-manship Buzzword Bingo’. Make
some actual cards for you and DH. Shout ‘house’ when you win, I guarantee you will feel better hooting with laughter and they will think you lost the plot. Win-win!

A friend of mine gave me the best counter for this sort of comment...
"What? You're flying to xyz?"
"I know, it's great isn't it?"
"But you could drive and see the countryside"
"I know, it's great isn't it?"

"What? That's your tent? It's massive"
"I know, it's great isn't it?"

"What? You sat on chairs?"
"I know, it's great isn't it?"

You don't need to justify anything, or extend your answer, just repeat that. Don't defend your stance, just let them know you think it's great. Don't get involved in any "you do you" that's defending your choice, you don't need to because it's your choice and "I know, it's great isn't it?"

Plus it works on those annoying dig questions like "Oh... You're still breastfeeding at 18months?"
"I know, it's great isn't it?"

These must be my parents. For my sins I went on holiday with them and DD and I'd forgotten how bad they were. It's almost always food with them.

You want to eat a piece of fruit? During the daytime? When the fruit has all been specifically allocated a window of time for consumption, and also, it must be these specific, very hard clementines leftover from Christmas (it was Easter), because they need using up. You want to buy grapes? GRAPES?! And not even the bargain basement, tasteless ones?! You realise they cost a whole £3.50!

You think we might go to a nice cafe or pub for lunch? We always manage with a picnic. No, we don't need to buy food as such, we can share the three slices of bread between the four of us, and a slice of ham each. No one needs butter on bread on a picnic! And here is some lukewarm water we can share, all 200ml of it. Yay!

My mum likes to feel morally superior on eco grounds, so talks at length about how she feels uncomfortable about her carbon footprint. She managed to guilt-trip me recently by saying sadly how the manure I buy for the garden comes contained in plastic bags, and she herself can't reconcile herself to the levels of plastic waste involved in such a horrendous enterprise as putting horseshit on one's courgettes. She made it sound as if I'd been using rocket fuel to power my round-the-world-cruise on the hunt endangered species to maim.

Sorry to disappoint but NO! Never used ChatGPT in my life. But if that is all you have to say after my long post maybe I will save my time and just use it in future.

Just wondering if you are my sister in-law! My MIL is like this, it's exhausting.

Don't older people get on your tits 😁

How old are they?

It's a combination of being annoying and not keeping up with the times, plus 'anything you can do we've already done it our way and it was much more fun'

We're in our early 60's but DD is only 20, I was an older mum. One day she's full of herself and we can't keep up but we ask questions to show her we're listening and showing interest - then she says we're thick cos we ask too many questions. Another day she's got the world on her shoulders and needs our advice - then she says 'how do you know so much'.

When DD was a baby, MIL used to tell me a story about 'our so&so' (my DH) everytime DD did something new - I got really pissed off with her & once said 'but this is our daughter not your son, he's 43 now', I got pissed off with her a lot. Now 20 years on, I'm MIL's age and I've noticed that I do the same thing, I refer back to a story when DD was whatever age. DD looks at me sometimes & says "you're doing it again mother". I think it's an 'reflex' or something like that, some people can't be happy for other people, they've always done better and you should do it their way.

My MIL caused me some right grief, she was mostly deaf so whatever you said to her she didn't hear it anyway.