AIBU to be fed up with my in-laws' reverse one-upmanship?

[GreenPoppies]

I know I'm not being unreasonable because making disparaging comments about someone elses choices is always rude but does anyone else get so annoyed by reverse one-upmanship?

My in-laws are the ultimate in this. We are going on holiday to Portugal in August and they are flabbergasted that we are flying. "But why can't you just drive? It's so brilliant. We love driving. The views from the motorway are second to none. I don't understand why you're flying" Because, Not-So-Dear In-Laws, we have 9 month old and a 2 year old, and 2-3 days of driving is neither comfortable nor practical. "But just do it all in one go, it's only 24 hours if you drive non-stop, you'll be fine, it's so much fun, I don't understand why anybody would fly there in 2 hours when you could drive there in 24! Such luxury!".

We took our (then) 18 month old camping last year in our 4 man tent. "you sat on CHAIRS?! Oh wow, that's crazy, I can't believe you sat on chairs, we would just sit on a tesco bag. And that tent may as well be a castle, we just prop up a tarp and sleep under that, no need for sleeping bags, it's so much fun to camp without all the unnecessary extras".

We were once on a walking holiday with them and I mentioned (didn't make a fuss or anything) that I needed to stop at a shop. When they pressed ("why on earth do you need a shop? Just sustain yourself on beer for 3 days!") I said I needed some plasters as a stone had got into my walking boot and rubbed my foot raw, I'd bled all over my sock. I was made out to be the most precious princess ever, to this day I'm ribbed about "can't even do a 6 hour walk without needing a plaster the next day! We just walked through the blood!"

I'm getting fed up of gritting my teeth and putting up with it. I've bitten back a few times and told them to shut up if they can't say anything nice but again, I'm seen as 'dramatic' and it's ignored. I now try and avoid them but obviously they are my kid's grandparents and otherwise not bad people so needs must.

It feels like they assign a moral worth to anyone who does not suffer like bloody Christ on the cross! I'm a second rate human being because I fly, camp in a tent, use plasters and god-forbid breathe bloody oxygen. The fact I've run 10+ ultramarathons (so fully know what discomfort feels like) goes ignored....

Arghh I feel better for that rant now :)

This. ⬆️
In my family they would have had the mickey taken mercilessly.
I couldn't just sit and listen to it, myself. I'd have suddenly needed the loo, or to make a drink. To stop myself from either laughing at their nonsense or telling them to shut up. Depending on my mood.

My MIL once told me off for buying tissues 'waste of money, use toilet paper'. Feel your pain.

Excellent. 😂

I had the exact same thought “when I were a lad, we used to lick the road clean with aar tongues”

Me too - “we were so poor we lived in a paper bag in the middle of the road”. Or something like that😂

My in-laws are lovely, kind and generous people but they can be a bit like this. I think they genuinely can't understand why anyone would make a different choice to them, not least because they overanalyze every tiny decision they make and so are very confident it is objectively right. FiL would know you are wrong to fly a route he would drive because he would have drawn up a comprehensive pros and cons of different transport methods (and would just ignore that your circumstances aren't actually the same as him). They are also, as a family, all very prone to 'going on' - if they think they are right about something it can't go unremarked, and if you don't acknowledge the first remark on it they'll repeat until you do! I try and let it wash over me - it's ultimately harmless, they're not going to change and they mean well. When reflecting that it is unintentional, I also frequently reflect on the time that MIL told me she thought autism was nonsense because 'they'd probably say I was autistic if I were a child now!'...

An acquaintance of mine, 'Mel' is terrible for this sort of thing. If you've got a foot blister she's got frostbite, gangrene and needs her leg amputated. You can barely get your sentence finished before she's jumped down your throat with her story that trumps yours. She'll even say 'Oh that's nothing. I can do better than that' or 'I've had it worse.' She' so tone deaf, it's infuriating.

Last year we were with mutual friends at a dinner party and my friend was telling a story about something difficult that was happening with one of her young adult children that her and making her really sad. The other woman jumped in with 'Oh stop, Stop! I've been there, done that! There's literally nothing you can tell me that I haven't been through with one of my own kids. I've had it all.'

My friend just sighed, looked up slowly at her, and said 'Of course you have Mel. Of course you have.'

It was perfect.

OP you could bring a little humour into our mn lives here by periodically updating your thread with you in laws’ pearls of wisdom! The are absolutely hilarious in their craziness.
Maybe you could shout them to a family holiday in a remote destination and leave them to drive there while you fly. Time it all so they arrive only a couple of days before they need to drive back past the glorious views.
BTW do they have modern appliances in their home? So much more satisfying cooking over a fire and washing the laundry using a mangle and scrubbing board.w

Surely next time don’t code it. We rested and shagged lots in our lovely hotel room. See what reaction you get 🤣🤣🤣

God they sound tedious! My ex mil was vile. I was planning a holiday to Egypt for myself and then husband, she gleefully said Richard can't go to Egypt hell burn, richard likes the lake district! I said mil ,I don't work outside 365 days a year in shit weather to go to the lake district for a rainy week but it's OK Richard can go there with you,and iam happy to go to Egypt on my own....they didn't think I'd go through with it but I did!!
OP does you husband shut them up?
My ex husband never said a word to his mother about her snarky, passive aggressive remarks to me. Richards,brothers wife won't have her anywhere near their house,she can't abide her,apparently she's always been like that with Richards previous wife!!

Omg, nearly wetting myself reading this

You’re not being unreasonable at all. What you’re dealing with isn’t “different preferences”, it’s a very specific behaviour pattern where your in‑laws treat hardship as a moral virtue and comfort as a personal failing.

It’s reverse one‑upmanship, and it’s exhausting because it turns every normal choice into a character flaw.

You say “We’re flying to Portugal because we have two tiny children.” They hear: “Ah, but WE are better people because we would martyr ourselves on a 24‑hour drive.”

You say “We took a tent.” They hear: “But WE are spiritually superior because we slept under a bin bag and ate moss.”

You say “I need a plaster because my foot is bleeding.” They hear: “Weakling! We walked through the Somme with a broken leg and no shoes!”

It’s not about the topic. It’s about the performance, the constant need to be the toughest, the most stoic, the most “authentic”, the most suffering. And anyone who doesn’t join in is treated as soft, spoiled or dramatic. The irony is that people who genuinely do hard things (like running ultramarathons) don’t need to bang on about it. People who perform toughness do. You’re not imagining it. You’re not being precious. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re simply dealing with people who have decided that comfort = weakness, and they need to broadcast their superiority at every opportunity.

The trick is to stop engaging in the competition they think you’re in. A few options that work well:
1. The breezy non‑engagement “Oh, that’s great for you.” “No idea how you do it, but good on you.” “Different strokes.” No defence. No justification. No fuel.
2. The deadpan agreement “Absolutely, you’re much tougher than we are.” “Yep, we’re soft as butter.” “Couldn’t possibly compete.” Delivered with a smile. They can’t argue with someone who’s already agreed.
3. The boundary “I’m not discussing our choices if the response is going to be criticism.” “We’re doing what works for our family.” “Let’s change the subject.”
4. The quiet disengagement If they start the martyr Olympics, you simply… don’t respond. Conversation dies on their side, not yours.

You don’t need to grit your teeth forever. You don’t need to justify flying, using plasters, or sitting on a chair like a civilised human being. You don’t need to match their suffering to earn their respect. You’re allowed to live your life in comfort, sanity and common sense.

And honestly, anyone who thinks a 24‑hour drive with two under‑twos is “fun” is welcome to it. Tell them to drive with the kids and you will fly and meet them at the other end. Some people have short memories of what dealing with kids is like.

Agreed! It must be maddening but I found your OP quite amusing. I think I'd also find it hard to keep a straight face next time they start. The answer to why don't you drive is, 'the same reason why millions of other fly to European destinations,'

Standard response "you know the saying 'one man's meat is another man's poison' - your way would make us miserable, so we'll stick to what works for us and of course respect your right to choose differently so let's neither of us call eachother crazy for doing things we wouldn't enjoy ourselves, ok?"

What does your husband say when they proclaim you should drive to Portugal?

Forget using code. Tell them you spent the weekend shagging each others' brains out, that will shut them up 😂

Oh yes! "Gosh. With all that walking and sightseeing you'd barely have time to shag more than 2 or 3 times a day! We manage much more than that by not expecting to do too much else."

stop getting annoyed and start laughing at them

DM is like this and it's exhausting. It's much simpler to do this - no, actually it's really not. Or you don't need abc - no I don't need it, but it makes my life more comfortable, and we can afford it so why the fuck wouldn't I?

If you really want to upset them you just reject their counter suggestions with because I don't want to. Outright rejection of their "authority" really winds them up.

Definitely come up with four Yorkshireman lines that are specific to them. We walked for seventeen hours with the blood pooling in our boots and then we wrung the socks out into t'pot to make black pudding! What sort of hoity toity type wastes good blood, etc.

Or when they come to stay tell them they can kip in the garden. I thought you considered beds to be overindulgent, etc. Then give them bread and water when dishing up a nice dinner for yourselves and express surprise if they object.

What's that nutty Catholic sect that still wears hair shirts and spiky things round their thighs? Opus Dei? Christmas present inspiration right there... See if they've got a website.

Or think of ways to make your choices / issues their problem (when they weren't actually affecting them in any way before they started commenting). Like if they go on about you needing a plaster for a bleeding foot, that's when you stick your feet up on their laps and request a foot massage...

In laws used to ask how much we had paid for flights then brag about how cheap theirs were. We got sick of saying ‘we are teachers, we can never get cheap flights, you know this’. Now we don’t fucking talk at all and it’s bliss!

When your 9 month old is a little older, I would invite your in-laws to drive to Portugal with both children in the car, and say that you and your DH will fly and meet them there. They can enjoy some quality grandparent time passing on their virtues to the younger generation, who will no doubt embrace them wholeheartedly (and noisily).

Whenever my dad gets one of his "back in the day" moments where he thinks people in 2026 should suffer as well, I got with "yes, i am just super weak. Not as tough as you" he can't really have a comeback.

Remember the three Yorkshiremen sketch from the Monty Python crew? Just laugh and try to out do their out doing. You camped in a tent - we had to sleep under the stars. That sort of thing.

God that is so annoying. Sorry but it is an implicit way of getting at you.

I can attest that it is possible to have a brilliant dh with maddening parents. If he didn’t look like them I would swear dh was adopted. He has thrown all my thoughts of nature / nurture out of the window. He is quite literally the opposite of them.

They are not like these ILs with doenmanship but are relentlessly negative. If you say you are going somewhere they will immediately leap in with negative comments. They rarely smile or talk but sit there boot faced. The only time MIL is animated and happy is recounting other peoples holidays going wrong especially when It Is Their Own Fault.