To wonder why people seem to often know their neighbours less well now?

[Giselle374]

I've been thinking about this. My grandmother was a teacher and parent in the 1960s and 70s, and she was friendly with most of the neighbours. She had had years off when the kids were young (though she then went back and worked full time as a teacher) so maybe this helped give her more time to befriend the neighbours?
I've seen some articles say women not being temporary or permanent SAHMs as much is a factor, but I'm sometimes a bit sceptical as some seem to have an agenda of women working being bad. Also puts all the onus on community networking onto women rather than their husbands..

There's surely other reasons...moving is more common, for one. Collapse of community institutions which might have facilitated neighbour friendships more. And the lack of secure housing, renting more common etc In some cases, second homes meaning the residents aren't there a lot of the time (my DM' neighbours, for one)

We've not long moved into a house that the previous folks had asbos, needless to say our back gardens like a 6ft prison with the fences, so only spoken to 1 neighbour once out the back when he climbed up the fence to chat to me. I heard him out de-mossing his front lawn the other night so purposely went round for a blether.

Whereas at the old house it was a wee 3 foot metal fence on each of our 5 houses, where we all spent time having a brew or drink and chatting/dancing/bbqing/helping each other every single day. The 3 elderly folks on each side came to visit us yesterday, miss them and the interaction so much.

I moved a few years ago to probably one of the unfriendliest places I've lived.
Always said 'hello' to neighbours and sometimes got a 'hello' back and other times just blanked. Invited them round for parties (nothing rowdy) and they would decline.

Two sets of neighbours spend a lot of time with each other and go on foreign holidays together which must be what really, really good neighbours do. I don't want that. But a smile and 'hello' would be so nice.

I live in a small town where people grew up here and never left. I wasnt born here and I guess that just means i'm invisible.

Have you read ’Bowling Alone’ by Robert Putnam OP? There’s a good online lecture with him discussing this from 2025 too - basically the rise and fall of community across the 20th century

From the US though

I live in a block of flats now, and work full time but do know quite a few neighbours to chat to. This is the generation who don’t answer their door or phone, so what do we really expect? Pretty sad really.

We are the "newbies" in our end of our road (mostly Victorian terraces type of road). We've lived here 24 years!

We recently went to the wedding of our next door neighbour. Travelled down with our other next door neighbour. There were three other sets of neighbours there as well.

We all feed each other's cats, walk each other's dogs, water each other's plants, socialise together etc. Genuine good friends. All working full time even when their children were little.

Two of my neighbours (one next door, ome next door to them) were music polluters. Funniest is they annoyed each other and sometimes had music wars. I alway swondrred if I coumd win clasacal vs 80s diaco with well chosen Rammstein or evenold style brass continental band😂

More driving is definitely a big part of it I think. When people walked more places they’d see each other more.

More women working as well like you said.

Why shouldn't she stay in her own home, doing her own work/ hobbies/ whatever? You sound horribly judgmental.

I think this might be a big part of it. You tend to see better community spirit in poorer communities because they don't move around for work so much and, more importantly, they need each other more. They are more likely to help each other out, lend each other things, babysit for each other because the paid alternative isn't always available. The more well off communities have no need for each other so exist in their own bubbles. Hired help us not your friend or your community.

Britain in the past was closer to the modern-day working class communities.

I think DH and I are lucky in that we moved to a street which has turned out to be incredibly friendly and the residents organise gatherings at various times of the year, Christmas carols, Easter egg hunts, super soaker fights for kids when the mercury hits 35 etc. It's a real mix of ages, work backgrounds and nationalities...there is a very lively WhatsApp group which even the older pensioners chat on. BUT there is one couple who have made a choice not to join any gatherings or be on the group chat, or engage in small talk...that's an observation and not a criticism, it's their prerogative. They will nod and smile if you greet them on the street but that's it. One could argue they make zero effort but equally it's their right to do so and they may have their reasons. If they ever needed help other people would still step up.

As for the reasons why people connect less with neighbours now, well I think it's a combination of many factors but I am very relieved we hit the jackpot with ours.

All of the reasons mentioned. Plus having takeaways delivered. Vts a heap of shopping out Despite belly aching about the Cost of Living Crisis . Less Social Contact.

Even is so good areas you never know who will move in next door with Private Landlords.

After having to move because of Anti Social behaviour. I do not really bother with many neighbours nowadays..You just don't know who sre dealing with.

I live by myself and have learned the hard way that it's not a good idea to be friendly with neighbours. Say hello to the old geezer down the street and he'll be banging on my door with a bottle of wine after the pubs turn out. And so on.

I’m friendly with my neighbours, will chat and help out with things when needed, but I don’t want anything more than that. My home is my sanctuary and I don’t want to feel like I need to spend my free time on neighbours when I’d rather spend it on my actual friends, or family, or relaxing in my space. I also work a lot and am busy with the kids so need my quiet time and space. I don’t want the two to overlap and definitely don’t want to feel obliged to invite them over.

I only know the names of my neighbours. Both by taking in parcels for them.

Some people just want to live in their own little world.

Some people don’t do anything for the community. My parents at their previous home, had couple move in opposite them. They just jumped into their cars and drove off. Never saw the woman leaving the driveway on foot. Even he had to walk 3 steps out of the driveway to get the wheelie bin.

I spent most of my life living in flats where there is less contact with neighbours. This included a very tough council estate when I first came to this city. Nevertheless I had quite a lot or socialising with neighbours when I was younger. This was including the council estate where I was flanked by students and new age travellers. Nevertheless Ive found that as I grew older I became more and more private and less interested in being involved. The leafy estate I live now is very diverse with two main ethnic groups who tend to socialise within their own communities. It is extremely doubtful if any of my neighbours even know my name. I have reached a time in my life when Ive had enough of people.

1. Nuclear families
2. More mobility
3. Longer working hours both partners
4. Children no longer play outside
5. The Internet socialising on line
6. Can't be arsed

Our NDN’s on both side enjoy regularly partaking in small talk but I’m not a fan so try to avoid at all costs. I’m massively introverted but have to communicate with people all day at work, when I get home I just want to collapse and be left alone.

In my own time I like to choose who I communicate with, since my spare time is limited and precious. Both sides don’t just want a quick chat and run, they like to engage in full on conversations which I just don’t have the energy for to be frank. I leave DH to it and I sit in the car and wait or go in the house. They almost definitely think I’m an aloof bitch but I just can’t be arsed and don’t really care.

NDN on one side is a bit much for me and tells us personal things about her life I’d never ask or desire to know e.g informing us when she split from her boyfriend which was awkward as fuck when he returned a couple of weeks later…

That sounds like the worst.

I get entirely what you mean about being an introvert and coming home after having to be social all day. It's exhausting.

This will sound really snobby but it’s the truth…..I’m an engineer working in the aerospace industry. My friends are all highly educated professionals. We have similar jobs in STEM, healthcare, law etc. We have similar interests and incomes and our children all grew up together.

The neighbours on one side (we’re detached and in a fairly middle class area) are a plumber and a SAHM. On the other side dunno as we haven’t spoken (I only know one side is a plumber because I see his van). Across the road are some other families who I don’t know at all - they have young children and mine are adult now, so nothing in common with them. Basically I have nothing in common with any of them and no interest in wasting the precious hours I have at home (I travel a lot these days) with making banal conversations with random people who happen to share a postcode with me 💁🏻

You don't have to be OTT chatty with people though. It's not completely ignore them versus go on holiday together. I think people are becoming totally self centered and selfish and we've lost sight of what a community is.

I'm an academic. I'm probably the highest qualified person in my neighbourhood. So what? I'm not having in depth regular chats with them all. A wave. A nod. An are you ok, when someone elderly is ill or bereaved? Isn't that part of what makes the world go round? Hell, I wave to my neighbour round the corner most mornings when he walks his dog and I come back from the school run. These little connections are nice. It costs nothing. I have probably had an actual conversation with the man once in a decade.

Yes, I've read that and that made me think. He did cite SAHMs volunteering less as one course & I've seen some US conservatives cite that as meaning women mainly should go back to the home. I don't agree with that but I thought his book was making a much wider point. And definitely a lot applies here, though as you, said it's US so a bit different (suburbs more isolated for one).

Hmm...I see what you mean but that does seem a bit harsh. If you've never spoken to one family, how do you know you have nothing in common?

Obviously education levels play a role in friendship....would you discount someone as a casual friend/acquaintance due to education level though? A lot of the people who've mentioned more positive neighbour interactions in thus thread seem to mean smaller chats etc, knowing them a bit rather than being closer friends .

I do understand if you travel a lot wanting to prioritise time at home with friends & family etc

🤣 My neighbours do hold discos when they are home,, but that's not very much. I couldn't cope with music wars...

Agree totally with this