To think it's going to take me collapsing through exhaustion for everyone to see how much Im doing at home

[achot]

Not a mytr.. if i don't do it then no one will.

I actually hope i do collapse through burn out then i might be taken seriously

And what happens when they still don't step up? If they just get a takeaway and don't care the house is a tip or buy new clothes. My kids have their own money now so I can't stop them and DH is just as bad.
In theory it sounds great in practice it doesn't work and you end up more pissed off and resentful.

I mean there's an obvious dead weight to shift...

Kick him out (legally - see a solicitor to get the necessary court order), and get divorced.

Knowledge is power: check out Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, and look at family solicitor websites.

Seriously, do it. Your life will improve immeasurably.

She might find it really hard to function though, if not collapse

You are married to a twat who has no respect for you. Get out now and sort the kids out with very non negotiable routines and a job list. They treat you like this because you are tolerating their bad behaviour.

YABU!
Give the children chores. Cook after they've cleaned their mess.
Get rid of the useless husband. You have enough weight on tour back.

Why are you working 50 hrs a week? Is this because you have financial/debt issues? Can you reduce your hours to 37 hrs?

Husband should of course be doing 50% of everything else. It's sit down time surely? You need to say this can't go on and he either volunteers to take half of the jobs from you or you need to separate as you deserve someone who respects you.

I agree with you, @Stressedoutmummyof3. Of course it doesn’t work.

I don’t know why posters keep suggesting such a ridiculous ‘solution’.

The OP would end up with a mega-shitheap in which to live while retaining the vile husband, but also have resentful children and even more stress.

Having said that, unless an observer is actually there, witnessing what’s happening, seeing the dynamics and understanding the family finances, it’s a tricky one to solve. I’m erring toward her dropping some hours and separating though, and claiming child maintenance with which to buy in support. (Been there, done that.)

Thing is if he were single he would have to do bins/cook food and tidy a little.

So married men are getting away without doing even the minimum. Let alone sorting out the kids.

Family meeting to discuss the distribution of necessary household work .Explain how exhausted you are from working longer hours and doing most of the work at home. Ask that your DH and kids do there fair share. Decide if any tasks are not necessary in the current circumstances .
Share some of the tasks with DH and kids.
Everyone is tired ,busy and stressed but you all still have to reach agreement about what is essential and what isnt.
The problem is if you do collapse under the strain i suspect things would go to hell in handcart so negotiating is a better option.
If that doesnt work i suspect your family will break down .

If I came down to a kitchen that was disgusting after I cleaned it, I would stand over them as they cleaned, actions have consequences.

What you are describing is a mindset @achot if I don’t do it then everything will fall apart. Dare I say but very likely that mindset was formed when you were younger in childhood and also dare I say but your husband subconsciously looked out for a person like you because of his upbringing.

You cannot change it unless you acknowledge it is dysfunctional overfuncting and you stop doing it.

What I'd do in your situation is walk out for a weekend. Find a friend/relative who will give you a break or find a budget hotel if you can. And leave them to it with your phone switched off.

No one will die of neglect. And it may be the wake up call that they realise you don't have to be there....

Your husband is a totally useless, selfish twat.

Write a list. Honestly, it sounds trite but start this morning and every single thing you do for the family write it down. Each time you touch laundry, each time you wash something up, each time you transfer money or fill in a form or make a phone call.

Do it for two weeks. It’s so much easier to make others understand when you can SEE it, so much of this stuff is invisible, and he might respond better when he can see what you’re talking about.

Personally, i think you should grow up, it is your purpose to do so. How do you think your partner feels having to work all day.

For a start you could knock the twice yearly carpet cleaning on the head!! I’ve been in my house 5 years, the robo vacs go round daily and I have never shampooed the carpets!!
And you need to sit the husband down and have a firm word with him!
My husband works 55 hour weeks and is a fibromyalgia sufferer and he still manages to put the bins out each week, wash up if theres bits in the sink and load the dishwasher! He does loads of other staff but that’s kinda his minimum when his pain is bad!

You’re not going to get a non mol order (which costs thousands btw, a friend has just paid £17k) for a lazy husband 🙄

If you read her post further down she clarifies that she is working a 55 hour week and he’s only working 35-40 so I think she gets dibs on the hours worked!!!!!!!!

You sound exhausted and your husband sounds like a lazy cunt. Tell him I said that.

It doesn't help for people to tell you do this and do that in terms of arranging the housework because in actual fact it's just another thing YOU need to sort out. YOU are the one that gets negatively judged if your house is a shit tip and your children don't have clean clothes that fit them. Doing all this alone IS going to burn you out and your husband, again, is an utter cunt for letting it get to this point. Natural leaders of the world eh.

the problem is the husband- but also not the husband. The main problem is the 3 SEN children. It’s not clear if they are capable of doing more

post divorce OP has to manage them alone and still do all the house work, and do it all without DHs financial contribution.

the only thing is OP, do you think your children can learn a different standard of household living through you so they know that in your house the heating isn’t left on the bins aren’t squashed down etc?

Stopping the carpet cleaning will mean what, 2 days a year back? Negligible (and she’ll age to look at her filthy carpets every day)

You won’t be.

I think you should add ‘divorce the selfish, lazy prick’ to your to-do list.
Seriously though, your family are letting you do it all because they know that you WILL sort it! That’s where it needs to end because otherwise nothing will change 🤷🏻‍♀️
Unless your children have severe disabilities, they can manage to put clothes away, tidy up, load the dishwasher/wash up etc. I have no words for your poor excuse of a husband.
You honestly need to step back and take a look at the situation. Even if that means going away for the weekend, or even just taking yourself out of the house.
Oh and who’s making a mess in the kitchen after you’ve tidied it?
I really feel for you.

The carpets are just one thing, there are probably lots of other things she’s doing that are maybe overdoing it.