To think it's going to take me collapsing through exhaustion for everyone to see how much Im doing at home

[achot]

Not a mytr.. if i don't do it then no one will.

I actually hope i do collapse through burn out then i might be taken seriously

You are doing everything and no one is stepping up because they don’t need to.
You are doing everything because you don’t trust they will do it your way.
If you step back it will affect you more than them but you need to let them notice and know you won’t be picking up the slack and leave them to it.

Well, so stop doing it, or at least some of it?

So show them what you do. About a week ago something clicked in me, and now I'm absolutely done clearing up after others. So now I say look around the room, what needs to go in the dishwasher? What else doesn't belong here? Where does it belong? And if they take cups out to the kitchen but don't put them in the dishwasher I call them back and make them do it. I suppose I'm still directing it all but in time I hope it will all become more organic.

The OP said that she wasn't being a martyr - I took that at face value, and assumed that there must be something that was actually at risk of causing her to burn out. Nobody burns out from a bit of housework!

if i don't do it then no one will This is the martyr's motto!

I don't say this to make you feel worse, OP, but no one will notice. If it isn't something someone else sees as a priority, they just won't do it. It doesn't matter whether it's at home or at work. Work will easily replace you - with three others, if necessary, all on salaries that total lower than your single salary. Whoever you live with will just carry on, no doubt saying they don't know what all the fuss was about. It's not fair and it is infuriating, but all you can control in these situations is your own actions. If whatever is happening isn't working, what can you do to change it? If the answer is nothing and there is no end in sight, then perhaps it is time to say you can't cope and take a break.

I am currently working a 55 hour week. I am doing overtime as we need some extra money at the moment. DH is not doing overtime and is working a 35-40 hour week.
3 DC with SEN ages 10-15

I do all the housework - DH & DC would live in a dirty shit pit, I couldn't. I don't do DH clothes. I wash and dry my clothes/DC/bedding/towels. I borrow the neighbours carpet cleaner twice a year to clean the carpets. I wash the windows outside (downstairs!) in the summer.

They all leave lights on and have the heating on, even in this warm weather. I am constantly behind them turning the lights & heating off to save money.

I close the kitchen down at the end of the day (clean, tidy, dishwasher on) - I come down to a whole load of mess every morning. I cannot just leave it, there is food and plates everywhere. Rubbish in the bin is pushed down as far as it possibly can be, so the bag splits, the bin left open. I came down to find maggots one year. I empty the bin. I once left the kitchen .. we had no clean plates/cups/cutlery or spare worktop space left where it was all piling up, so I was forced to sort it. DH is ''too tired'' at the end of the day to sort the kitchen. I cannot go the bed knowing I will have to face it all when I get up. I am the first one up.

I cajole DC to get up for school - a draining task as they never get up

I manage every single appointment for DC, including taking them - drs/dentist/hairdresser/SEN. I manage topping up school meal accounts, any school admin, manage paying for school trips etc. Clean school shoes, have uniforms ready every day, xfer money to the eldest for when he walks home from school and goes via the shop with friends. DH is ''too busy'' at work.

I manage all finances - DH cannot be trusted to manage the money and if left it to him it would all go to shit. Everything is joint.

I do all the thinking/sorting/organising/planning - I am not doing that for May as we need to have a month of doing nothing, so that saves me 1 job this month.

I book the weekly food shop deliveries - all booked in advance to secure our preferred slots. I put the fridge items away, using that time to throw out any out-of-date food and wipe the fridge inside.

I put the bins out every week.

i ask Dh to do any of the above and he says he is ''too stressed with work'' and/or iIam 'nagging' .. or he forgets then things like the bin collection gets missed and the bins overflow and we risk maggots (I cleaned them up one year)

I also look after my elderly parents.

I think your life would be infinitely better without this extra child to manage.

1 DC doesn't always go to school. Me and DH WAH a few days a week. On those days, I am often cooking food for DC while I am running a teams meeting (off camera!). DC has a special diet, If I don't cook, he will simply refuse to eat. DH is ''too busy working'' to cook on these occasions.

Who is making the mess in the kitchen after you’ve cleaned at the end of the day. If your husband is able to cook and make a mess, he’s also able to clean up. My two DC both have additional needs but they’re able to load the dishwasher, put a washing on and pick up after themselves. Getting them to that point was hard work but now they know it needs done.

Im not surprised your exhausted - I was in that place and actually separated from my DH at one point because he just didn’t see how much I was carrying (including multiple health appointments for DC, negotiating with school etc). We reconciled 6 months ago and he more than pulls his weight now but needed to know I was deadly serious about not being the one carrying it all.

You’ll both be tired and stressed working such long hours, but he doesn’t get a free pass by calling you a nag. If he pulled his weight you wouldn’t need to be asking or prompting him. You need a clear conversation with all of them, SEN or not the kids need to learn how to keep a house and your husband needs to step up, or you step away from the marriage.

Why are you still with him?

I have never managed half as much as you are now. I can appreciate DC with SEN, elderly parents and other issues from experience. Having a tenth of your challenge is the only reason I feel brave enough to say you might need to start by convincing yourself you are on the point of collapsing from exhaustion and being willing to admit that to people who might listen - GP, Senco, Parent Carer support group? Are there any allies you think would understand and sympathise?

I'm asking myself whether I should do something which might be better for me or something else which might be better for DS. I have a friend who says very firmly 'put yourself first'.

Divorce is preferable to living with a manchild who weaponises his incompetence. Add ‘Divorce Admin’ to your list OP.

What’s the point of being married to such a useless man?

It seems like your life would be much better without him.

This who is making the nightime mess after you’ve cleaned at the end of the day? If your husband is able to cook and make a mess, he’s also able to clean up. My two DC both have additional needs but they’re able to load the dishwasher, put a washing on and pick up after themselves. Getting them to that point was hard work but now they know it needs done.

are they making meals or snacks?
if they can selfishly cook when they want, they can cook family meals and clean up.

re other detritus left out, if it’s causing maggots and understand you have to clean it, I’d be binning every last thing that gets left out.
are dc getting appropriate benefits? That can go towards a cleaner

Why do you need extra money?

You can’t work extra hours and do extra in the home, something has to give.

I would stop doing overtime. I would even consider going PT.
Then I would reduce the amount you do in the home.
Then I would reconsider my relationship.

I think people are being silly when they say to stop doing everything - the kids need to eat, have clean clothes, go to bed, go to school etc. - but I would definitely try and reduce what you do.

Your DH is a selfish prick and isn’t going to willingly help if you’re doing it all anyway.

Your DH needs to step up firstly.

What sort of SEN though because the range is so vast, dependant on what their issues are at those ages they may be able to do a lot more. I mean it could be that they just can't assist. But be very careful you don’t fall in to the trap of allowing them to not do things if they are capable. A friend did everything for her child that was ND, there were a few simple things she could have got him to do. He is now an adult and can’t function too well and she won’t be around forever.

I would simply divorce him. Can't imagine you're having any fun with your husband, enjoying holidays or intimacy, you're not sharing the load, either physically, mentally or emotionally and he's no friend or in your corner. He's a misogynist to boot, accusing you of nagging. I'd go nuclear at the kids. Literally supersonic. They sound lazy, entitled and are taking a lead from their useless father. And I'd tell him today that I'm filing for divorce.

Go on strike - only do your own and DCs chores such as cooking and laundry - he can do his own washing etc .

then look into a separation

Burn out is a modern luxury for those who can afford it. people such as myself can’t 🫥

Asking for help is very dependent on the good will of those you are asking. There is always the danger that they will just tell you that all the things you are doing aren't necessary and to just 'leave it'. You then have to sort out catastrophic levels of shit when it all hits the fan and they just shrug and say that they 'didn't realise', without ever once picking up any slack.

So help isn't always coming.

Stop having sex with 'D'H. Tell him you're too stressed, tired and that your body aches.

This is a choice you are making OP. Kindly, you don’t have to be doing some of those things but you are choosing to.
Firstly, what care do your parents need? That can be outsourced.
Windows - get a window cleaner.
Cleaning shoes - stop. Doesn’t need to happen.
Sorting uniform for teens - I appreciate you’ve said you have teens with additional needs but if one is able to manage to walk home from school, they can organise their own clothes.
If there are no clean cutlery and crockery for a meal, wash some for you and let the rest of the, crack on by themselves.

I could go on but I won’t. My point is these are choices you are making. Stop choosing to do everything.

xfer money to the eldest for when he walks home from school and goes via the shop with friends

Well as an absolute minimum that can stop until he sorts his own washing, and tidies up after himself.

I think people have voted YABU without reading your update, which gave me a nosebleed just thinking about it OP 💐💐💐