To think it's going to take me collapsing through exhaustion for everyone to see how much Im doing at home

[achot]

Not a mytr.. if i don't do it then no one will.

I actually hope i do collapse through burn out then i might be taken seriously

you or the pigs...they might be pigs, but still precious pigs

If you sit down and think about if your dh came home, said I’m moving, packed a bag and left- would you feel like some of the work had been taken off your plate or not?

how much do you think the kids can’t help it? What does their SEN look like?

Your husband is a lazy bastard

The problem with just leaving it is if they don’t care about mess then nothing happens, you just get more stressed over living in a shit tip.
Your husband seems to have opted out of doing anything remotely adult other than his job. Perhaps he should be told he isn’t living with his parents any longer.

I’d make a list of all the jobs you do. Every single one, no matter how small. Then I’d give it to him. And tell him if he doesn’t take on at least half of that list you will leave. Tell him that you can’t carry on working like you do, and even if you could why should you. I don’t know what SEN your children have but unless it’s something that means they can’t do anything to help, they should be doing stuff too.
I assume it’s the bubbling resentment that keeps you going OP , that is no way to live.

You need to be strong and make him and them realise you aren’t joking. That you have seriously had enough and things have to change.

Whether you can or will leave at this stage doesn’t matter, they need to know you’re considering it and how serious this is for you.

How lovely it would be to just opt out of the stuff we don’t want to do - but that isn’t life even if you’re single, let alone with family responsibilities. Your DH is taking the piss.

I found that I needed to hand over certain tasks completely to my DH and then step back completely. For example, he is responsible for cleaning the kitchen- he washes all the dishes, loads and unloads the dishwasher, cleans the floor at least once a week. You then step back and, this is important, you do not intervene. It's his task to do as he sees fit. If dishes pile up they pile up until he takes care of it. It's very hard but it does work in the end. Same with the shopping- he does it, he comes up with the shopping list by checking supplies and cleaning out the fridge. He puts it all away. If you run out of food it's on him to get more. As long as he knows eventually you will step in (because you are the default overall manager) he will not step up.

I felt a mixture of exhaustion and rage just reading that. It is unsustainable and the damage to your physical and emotional wellbeing must be high. I used to think I would collapse from tiredeness as a single mum to just one child but there is something so draining about having a useless adult around who adds to the work when they should be managing half of it. It sounds unsustrainable and something has to give, lets hope itis him shaping up or clearing off

What does this man bring to your life? Could you afford to go it alone? Give it serious consideration. You could be much stricter in a house without another adult undermining you.

All of the above! Stop right now and prioritise your physical snd mental health.

In absolute fairness, that's not always the case. Ok, it is sometimes. But for example when I lived at home, mess would bother my mum WAY before it bothered me. Now, mess bothers me before it bothers DP. He will clean and tidy, but only when it reaches his threshold. Before that, he doesn't see it as something that needs to be done. Just like when I was living at home.

Tho is such a good way of framing it. Too tired? I think you need to see the GP dear, that’s not normal. Too tired? Oh dear, better have a coffee and crack on!

What is your husband bringing to the party? Has he always been like this. I would be struggling to find him attractive or want to stay married to someone like this.

Why are you working overtime and doing everything? Can you cut your hours back?

In terms of the list of jobs, you are doing way more than you need to. Stop cleaning windows and shampooing carpets. How often do you wash towels and change beds? Can you do this less often? If there are 4 beds, change 1 each week or better still do a rota and get your kids to do theirs 1 week in 4. Tick them off and remind them. You can do yours more often if you must and just put the kids on a 3 week rota. Do you have a dishwasher?

I know your kids have SEN and don't see things that need doing but you do them no favours by doing literally everything for them. Can you get them to put a load of washing on, put their clean clothes away, change their beds, put pots in the dishwasher and rubbish in the bins? I have to remind my DS but he does it when asked. I never pick his clothes up or put his clothes away. He is at Uni now and I know sometimes he practically runs out of clothes before doing a wash - or rather multiple washes - but that's ok. When he is home I remind but I don't do it for him.

Why is your son asking for money daily. Can't you give him a weekly allowance and tell him when it's gone it's gone and not to ask for more? Can you set consequences if your kids don't do chores (even the minimum will help). Eg you get an allowance on a Saturday but not until you have put your clothes in the laundry basket and all pots and rubbish are downstairs. You will have to remind them but also remind them of the consequences.

I have put YABU because you really don't have to do everything you say you are doing. I get it with the bins and work surfaces, running a hoover round and getting people fed and up for school or to appointments but beyond that not so much. I know it might feel that it is easier just to do it but it isn't.

If your husband doesn't start pulling his weight, I would stop doing anything for him at all, no washing, no cooking, no picking up after him. And I would file for divorce.

I think that getting rid of the husband would be a start, but unless he would step up& have the kids I'm not sure how much ít would solve as most of the work seems to caused by them.

Is a cleaner possible financially. If it is, just tell your husband it’s happening. I’d go for 2x 2 hour sessions per week.

On top of that, we have a whiteboard in the kitchen where we both write jobs that need to be done.

Your DH needs to take some responsibility for your kids! I assume he is their dad? You need to have a talk about the invisible load and make him share it. Could he be entirely responsible for school payments, dentistry and breakfasts for a start? Those are three quite defined/contained tasks. Slowly increase from there until it feels equal.

This!

@achot no answers I’m afraid - but I really feel for you. I’m going through a lot at the moment and I still wouldn’t trade places with you.

If you kicked him to the curb you would have one less person to clean up after, care for and "manage".

He is basically an adult sized child in your home.

You'll be no good to your children if you are having a breakdown or in burnout.

Your kids to be doing as much as possible, even with sen.

yur husband is a lazy buffoon.

he shapes up or ships out.

Women have really lost out in modern relationships, one of the main reasons that more younger women are choosing to be single/childless. A lot of us have ended up working and doing all of the housework/cooking/admin too.

My ExH was useless and I actually found things easier after divorce, having one less person to clear up after.

@Aloesue Ah...Interesting!

Please tell us you don't have sex with this man as well.

Stop doing the OT and cut back your hours. If that means that they go without then so be it. If no one is helping in the house then you need more time away from your job to deal with the household stuff.

I'm so sorry and furious at the same time.
(Un)fortunately, this is what I observed about men since I was a young teenager (another country, not my military father).
I started loathing and hating them at the same time and avoided certain things accordingly.
Some of the women actually died, because of hard village work and no time for themselves to get to a doctor.

Years ago when I had four under 6 I absolutely lost my shit at dh, he asked me to make him a list of chores 😂. He would clean the bathroom etc but never the small stuff like doors/skirting boards. I became disabled just over 5 years ago, he had to do it all, he soon learned how fucking hard it was juggling everything.

He became disabled in the last few years too, was probably the stress of all the cleaning and childcare 😂he had a major op in 2024, I returned home one night and utterly lost my shit at the kids and my mum, not a single dish washed or anything. Had another op last year and they were brilliant with hoovering, washing, cooking etc.

Even the autistic dd that lives in her own head does her own dishes now.