To think it's going to take me collapsing through exhaustion for everyone to see how much Im doing at home

[achot]

Not a mytr.. if i don't do it then no one will.

I actually hope i do collapse through burn out then i might be taken seriously

Move out. Leave them to it. Let them live with the result of you collapsing through exhaustion, without allowing yourself to be driven to the actual collapse.

I think this is a good idea if OP has somewhere to good bearing in mind she will have to continue paying at least half the mortgage on the family home

Your husband doesn't get to just be " too tired".
You're supposed to be in a partnership, if he doesn't want that then he should fuck off. It's disgrace that he's happy to leave it all to you.

She's doing significantly more hours a week at work than him so I'm sure she's more than aware.
Honestly reading comprehension is through the floor.

Well you can either threaten to leave (and mean it), or ask for a divorce. Because surely you can't respect your husband? Thing is, I know women like you, and you won't do it. There is no point in this thread if you don't want to help yourself.

I would actually leave them. Men do it all the time so why can't women just up and walk out.

You are a modern day slave OP.

Your DH is a selfish arsehole - kick him
out.

How will they cope when you head off on holiday with your friend @achot ?!

Well he wont change so either you chnage things or plough on

Routine is buzz word of my life. As kids have sen we live to a very predictable schedule and each kid has their set daily tasks.

I have this (3 sen dc) I reduced my hours to pt, sxhool time, term time. Dh increased his hours

• we have a window cleaner
• we hire a guy to do carpets twice a year
• dc have set chores to do each day, electronics are not given until chores are done - bins emptied everyday, dishwasher emptied etc (big chart on the wall)
• switched to smart bulbs that turn off after set time
• heating in on timers with locked passcode thermostat
• Food shop easy enough as copy basket each week and rotate meal plan monthly
• kids are learning to.use airfryer
• after dinner everyone clears their plates, designated person wipes table then they all have to lay out their uniforms.

Do you really think someone who has let it get to this point would do that?

I have no idea how you’ve come to this conclusion? Surely burn out happens to people who cannot afford to offload some tasks to hired help, such as cleaners?

I think I would be very tempted to leave in your situation.

You could rent a clean one bed or studio flat just for yourself, see the DC a few times a week with no overnight stays and file for a divorce.

Omfg! Tell us you haven't read properly without telling us you haven't read properly!

Op works 55hrs a wk, far more hours than her husband does!

I feel you. I feel like I am living in a similar situation, I only work pt as I have a young child but I have older kids who still live at home who could do so much more and a DH who uses his days off for fun whilst mine are endless lists and activities for the youngest child.
I have stopped doing as much and as a consequence we live in a shit hole! There is always mess and everyone just walks past it. I will have weeks where it all becomes too much and I get it back up together and my brain can relax but in no time at all the mess returns and no one other than me has the inclination to do anything about it. If I had my way, i'd throw everything in the bin and start again but I live with a bunch of lazy hoarders so even when I do a massive purge, my husband fills it right back up again. I am very disconnected from everything at the moment because of the stress of it all.
Same with you 90% of appointments are on me, lifts and pick ups etc, household admin, planning for holidays, meals, shopping, most of the gardening and DIY around the house. My list is endless. I have come to the conclusion that I can only do so much and stuff will get done eventually. There is a sense of peace with that but you have to be willing to live with the mess as a compromise to that.
My husband will do bits in the kitchen, recycling, drop off for the youngest when I am at work. I don't think he has any idea how much I actually do do though.

My Dad has managed to convince himself that's the way Mum likes it, and to a certian exent he's right. She is the kind of
of control freak who'd rather do it herself/needs it done her way.

You need to talk to them tell them exacrly what it is that's getting on top of you, discuss whether the tasks actually need doing at all, then allocate them out. Not so people "help" but so they have full responsibilty. E.g. if the bins get forgotton, the person who forgot needs to arrange to take the rubbish to the tip, if the laundry isn't done, the person responsible needs to find a way for DC to have school uniform.

Then, and here's the crux of it, you have to let them do it to their standard, not yours.

this is too much but you DC are also old neigh to not have you running around after them. they're all old enough t strip their bed and dress them, have a clearing up and kitchen day each and they should be helping with dinner.

if they are able to make mess in the kitchen then they can clear up and clearly have the ability to fed themselves. your husband is a lazy twat, but you're also creating an environment where your kids act and treat you like a skivvy. It needs to stop.

this.

Well yes… according to her other thread on the go about going on holiday with her friend that I posted on the other day!! @SalemSaberhagen99

Suppose it depends how severe the SEN is but if mild enough to be able to help, the DC should be especially by 15… They should be doing their own washing and washing up, tidying up after themselves generally and keeping their rooms tidy. Your DH needs to pull his weight too obviously, being ‘too tired’ doesn’t cut it when you’ve worked longer hours.

You should assign tasks for each person and demand they’re done. Set an annoying alarm to go off and hide it until they get up off their arses and do their jobs.

This.
Move to your parents, but not just for a week, for at least a fortnight.
Yes you'll have the inconveniences of being at your parents, but it's needed to see some changes at home.

Weaponised incompetence on his part, and enablement of it on yours. I’d leave before I’d allow myself to be treated like this.

Actually this is a much better idea!

LTB. Kick his lazy ass out and you’ll have one less person to clean up after!

I do all the housework - DH & DC would live in a dirty shit pit, I couldn't. I don't do DH clothes. I wash and dry my clothes/DC/bedding/towels. I borrow the neighbours carpet cleaner twice a year to clean the carpets. I wash the windows outside (downstairs!) in the summer

You can cleave this list. While you while have everyone on Mumsnet saying unless you do towels and bedding 10 times a day you are filthy, they really can go some time. When we were really strapped for time when kids were younger we did bedding every 3 months (unless someone was sick on it or similar). We all wear pj’s so no bare bums slithering around on the sheets. No one stank, and I’m in a hot country. Towels were once a month but to be fair we did stick them outside to dry daily. Trust me, it takes WAY WAY more than that for people to smell, let alone get sick. I’ve seen a few hundred thousand patients in my time and the only ones who presented due to hygiene issues were homeless who would pass out/lay in their own waste consistently, nursing home residents with incontinence issues and sub-par caring, and vulnerable kids and adults who had suffered severe neglect usually also involving sitting in their own waste for extended periods. Sheets/towels not washed frequently, meh, no harm at all.

As for the kitchen issue. Have a time where ‘kitchen closes’, if people want stuff after this, they get to use disposable cups, plates, cutlery etc, nothing else. We did this for several years while enduring teenagers rampaging in the kitchen at night and no capacity for the mess. That way just sweep the whole lot into a garbage bag in morning and worse case is wiping the bench. Don’t worry about the ‘this teaches them nothing’ brigade, mine are all adults and use normal kitchen plates/boards/cutlery and act very responsibly now they have come out the younger piggy side of things. If it’s your DH to blame them keep on this system, sad but ……. Ignore people trumpeting shit, when life is busy and this stuff becomes a matter of survival, just do whatever is needed to get through it.

Window cleaning, if it goes another year, no one will die.

The problem is if you stop they will live in a shit hole, so I think you have to divorce him.

I know it will take time and energy but you're going to have to teach the DC to help themselves. Child doesn't get money for the shop unless contributing. Things like that. And if they think you're being horrible, let them.